is me is really me

i am a romantic at heart. not just of the happily ever after variety but of the possibility that there is kindness in all of us. love isn’t just about the eros. love is that feeling of acceptance. not tolerance, because frankly, who wants to be tolerated? acceptance and appreciation of the person, the environment, the moment.

while my heart hurts as i think of only myself and the space at which i find myself right now. it’s also filled with love that’s bursting at the seams. i love that i am alive in a time where medical advances and the tireless work of others just might make it possible for me to survive this current bout of cancer. the love for my kidlets, two very unique and loving kids, is a different feeling altogether. and my love for each of them, while different is something fierce and drives me in ways i didn’t think possible. yes, there is love for my dh, how can there not be? is it the love one hopes to have in this go round we call life that sees us through to the end? i don’t know. there is genuine affection and 25+ years is a long time where companionship hasn’t always been marked with anger or such emotional disconnection. there is love as i had always thought passed me by. i am grateful to have this love in my life right now. while our relationship is finite, the powerful feeling and the knowledge that i have been blessed to truly experience is forever imprinted on my being. gratitude.

there is the feeling of love that can hit you when you least expect it. when you watch the interactions between a toddler and their pet. or when a friend shares a part of their life with you because they trust you implicitly and because they know you won’t judge them. when a memory of your childhood makes you smile to yourself and you realize how much you miss your dad. when a song plays on the airwaves that stirs something deep within you. when you cry at the thoughtfulness of a stranger that inquires if you are ok. at the movie “love actually” states over and over, love is everywhere, actually.

and then there is the love that i am working to find for myself. of myself. the self acceptance and appreciation for what is me. with all of the baggage, experiences and yes, mistakes you have to remember that we have all had successes somewhere in our lives. little or big, significant or buried in the mundane of the everyday. we don’t celebrate our own wins. i don’t mean posting it on facebook or adding it to the annual christmas letter. i’m talking about sitting back, taking a breathe and congratulating yourself on something done well. you didn’t reach for the phone and call him even though you desperately wanted to. good for you! you didn’t respond in anger when a colleague pushed your buttons in front of your team. rock on! you gained a couple of pounds and you feel like crap. that’s okay, you’re human. drink a glass of water and put yourself back out there. forgiveness. we have to forgive ourselves and keep trying. at the end of all of this it’s all on ourselves isn’t it? then we better start by liking ourselves and eventually, with hope, we’ll fall in love. a step at a time.

for those that have stumbled upon my blog and stuck around to read. thank you. yes, even those of you that i affectionately call the “haters”. today is valentine’s day. know that there is love in your lives. it may not be the love we hope for, long for or ache for. love is all around. happy valentine’s day. truly.