is me is really me

me 40dot+

updated 30 august 2014

I guess this is the obligatory about me or about this blog segment. in truth, this is more of a companion to the blog that I’m in the process of transferring from one platform to WordPress.com that chronicles a journey I’ve been on since late 2011. Everything became real when I stepped out of fantasy and speculation and into real life wanderings. Only to meet him virtually almost a year later. Of course, what’s a journey without unexpected detours? One with a classic plot twist (or is it clichéd) of finding myself, lustfully wantonly in love with a married man, a serial cheater. I suppose this blog can also be considered the “context” or the ” words not said”  to the Tumblr that I keep that journals my carnal desires and feelings when it comes to “him”.

This, this is just as it says. My feelings, thoughts, missives and musings; unfiltered, raw and real. It ranges the spectrum of being related to him or us to not about us at all. many posts are the aspects of my life with dh. You see, when I met him, it was supposed to be a nsa, fwb thing, fuck buddies. I was cavalier, I thought “I can do this” it was a decision not entered into lightly or quickly, given I’ve always been faithful to my husband, 24+ years in, even when he hasn’t. I have always accepted our lack of a sex life, a full, consistent and mutually beneficial sex life was because of his brutally honest lack of physical attraction towards me and my body type and that the only reason he has stayed in our marriage;  (that’s a post for another time)but long story short, 13-years ago, he fell in love with a colleague and they began an affair. He started planning his exit from our marriage which included a parenting plan for our then toddler, we hired a mediator, finalized on a parenting plan that included provisions for how his mistress would or wouldn’t be involved in our child’s upbringing but in the end, he couldn’t go through with it. outside of being good companions and friends, is because he doesn’t want our kids to grow up in a broken home.

In hindsight, I know I was “ok” with that, thinking maybe that’s all I deserve. Instead of leave for what I thought was such a shallow reason, yet feeling that I am too young to be deliberately celibate, I decided to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. In the form of nsa. I didn’t recognize that as much as I think I am wanton and able to have sex to just have sex, the reality is, connection and attachment matters to me. A lot. Compartmentalization works for many people, it doesn’t work for me. I am successful in my career because I find a way to connect, relate and blend my worlds together. Not a great trait for someone that thinks they want “just sex”.

He is a intelligent, smart, kind and sexy man. Who is also a dedicated husband (yes, he really is), good father and a civic minded individual (has served on his city council for years). He just happens to be a serial cheater. By his account, I am #7 in his lovers throughout his 26+ year relationship with the woman he loves, he lovingly refers to her as his bride. I’m under no illusion that I’m his only other. He is my only other. The only in my 25+year relationship. Many of these posts are what I wish I could say in the moment, unfiltered. Not because I can’t say them to him directly but because I choose not to. Because if I do, I lay myself before him even more and I already tax his emotional balance more than I ever was supposed to. And really, he didn’t ask me to.

As I said to a fellow blogger – my hope, naïve as it is, that he and I can remain together as we are in parallel with our real lives for a long time. At the very least, as dear friends that at one point were lovers, for the rest of my life. The reality is, he is my addiction and the withdrawal when we end, as it is inevitable we do, will slay me.