IHAA reached out via email recently and I realized that I’ve been silent, not by design but by circumstance. While Lady M is traveling, I admire that she posts regularly and even the Awesome Ann keeps up a consistent stream of consciousness. I am inspired and just a little bit envious that they have the time, no, strike that, find the time to write.
I’m embarrassed just how many drafts I have in the drafts folder. Truly. Embarrassed. I could blame it on the current work projects that are about to converge, one of which is yet another restructuring (another word for layoff’s), the ongoing journey of our marriage counseling, treatments that have started up again, kidlet #1, kidlet #2, volunteering, etc. etc. etc.
But when I look closely, there are only so many hours in a day and my lack of time is my own damn fault. I took on the lead role for two of the projects at work as well as a senior year parent project at my kidlet’s school. Yes, I looked at the calendar and saw that they would all be running concurrently and due around the same time. Did I care? No, of course not. No one else was stepping up so why not me? Did I stop to think that there may be a reason why people didn’t want to lead any of the projects? Sure, but I figured what the heck, I lead projects all the time right? *sigh*
This past Saturday, I finally got the chance to escape a bit and spend a few hours with my friend Poppi. While we’ve known of one another for the last several years, it was only three years ago that we formally met. When we finally met, our conversation flowed easily, as if we’d know one another forever. From that moment, a fast and deep friendship was born. On the outset, we are an unusual pair, she’s been a SAHM for the last 17-years, a life that revolved around her children and their schedules with a few friends that she lunched with. In addition, she has a very intense hobby that in of itself could be, and maybe some day, will be a profession. I admire sacrifices she’s made and the grace at which she carries herself given she didn’t get the choice to continue her professional career once they relocated to the States.
I’ve always been in the corporate environment, balancing that with DH, kids, athletics and volunteering. Geared towards action, we’ve been on committees together in the past but more often than not, I’d take on all of the aspects that could be done in concert with my work day, as I couldn’t attend committee meetings as they were always in the middle of the day. About a year and a half ago, P decided to see if she could turn her hobby into a profession. Her kids were older and she needed something that was all her own. It’s been a journey, one that’s been exhilarating, difficult and everything in between.
My friendship with P, has proven to be one that I treasure and we look forward to our time together. We can talk for hours upon hours, often time getting texts from our respective kids telling us “goodnight” because they know we have so much to say or catch up on. Over the course of our breakfast that turned into a brunch and stretched into an early supper, don’t worry, we left the waitress a gratuity equivalent to a table turning at least 4 times 😉 we talked about current music and music that makes each of us think about the one we love as well as the journey we are on. And yes, we both were embarrassed to admit that we really, really like One Direction’s Night Changes. But hey, at least it’s not Bieber 😉
Thinking Out Loud
Night Changes
Sugar
…~kitten
That is what these last few weeks have felt like. Moving one way only to be pulled under and turned around, trying to find the balance between all of the every day commitments in one’s personal life and professional life and the time necessary to reflect, take a breath and frankly, rest. Rest the brain. Rest the heart. Rest the body. Rest the soul. Because you have to get up each and every day and work, hard, very hard, literally and figuratively because you are not an island. You are part of an eco-system and that eco-system has dependencies on you. And when you’ve let that eco-system down, you have to get back up and try. Harder.
I can feel myself withdrawing, putting up walls to protect my heart with the realization that the ache of loneliness has returned with a vengeance. Lack of communication and connection leaves me without a safe haven to be vulnerable-each therapist and counselor has said so and yet DH continues to dig in his heels. And yes, he has every right to be, he can only work through his own feelings and emotions at his own pace. And so, DH and I continue in this stalemate. As civil and companionable as it is, it is just that. A stalemate. Not sure how to shake loose, if even to get us moving again, one way of another. Direction is relative, as long as you’re looking forward.
The reality is, no one is infallible. And some days, I could use a mulligan.
words I find beautiful.
is me is really me 