marriage counseling

Wednesday’s words…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 21 May 15
Posted in: marriage counseling, musical musings, real life. 3 Comments

I truly wish I posted in a linear manner, much like Lady M of Woman Invisible, for then there would have been at least a half a dozen or several hundred posts, that would provide context as it relates to counseling. Marriage counseling specifically. That said, anyone who has followed for the better part of the last 18-months may recall that dh and I have been working through counseling since early 2014. Some weeks it’s good, which means the sessions are incredibly difficult and intense and hard. Some weeks it’s hard, which means we get stuck or hit and impasse. We each walk out in status quo mode, nothing backward but no steps forward. No emotion, just as is. And then there’s the week’s in which we are at a plateau. No, a true stalemate. I’d say we’ve been in this stage for a couple of months now. Maybe even more. Enough so that our counselor, which dh chose all those months ago, insisted on meeting with us individually these last two weeks or so. Today was my turn again. She looked at me and asked me what does it feel like, emotionally and what feelings come up, when dh pushes for some vulnerability on my part. At first I was stymied. I felt as if I’ve answered this same question over and over again with her, with all of us in the room etc. It wasn’t until she restated the question: “When dh begins to ask you to be vulnerable and hear his wants, what does that bring up for you?” Hmm, thinking about it, I finally looked at her before simply stating: “I don’t know. I know that I don’t trust what I am hearing from dh based on the last 11-years prior to starting counseling. I have no reason to feel “safe” to be vulnerable or to speak openly about my emotions or the childhood abuse that has started to flood back in my dreams nightly.”

We spent time talking about many things, she asked more and more questions related to the first 15 years of our relationship versus anything in the present. In her probing, she asked if I listened to music. Um, yes? She laughed and said, no, sorry, what I mean is does music move you? Make you laugh? Cry? Shout? Sing along? Of course. Great. She started doing music association if you will. She started with “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” the Marvin Gaye version. As she played it one more time, she asked me, aside from your kids, who do you picture when you listen to the lyrics?

“Oh”…is all I get out. She looks at me and says “there’s no right or wrong answer, yet.”…and with that, time was up.

Undertow

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 19 March 15
Posted in: marriage counseling, real life, words that resonate. 7 Comments

direction is relative

That is what these last few weeks have felt like. Moving one way only to be pulled under and turned around, trying to find the balance between all of the every day commitments in one’s personal life and professional life and the time necessary to reflect, take a breath and frankly, rest. Rest the brain. Rest the heart. Rest the body. Rest the soul. Because you have to get up each and every day and work, hard, very hard, literally and figuratively because you are not an island. You are part of an eco-system and that eco-system has dependencies on you. And when you’ve let that eco-system down, you have to get back up and try. Harder.

I can feel myself withdrawing, putting up walls to protect my heart with the realization that the ache of loneliness has returned with a vengeance. Lack of communication and connection leaves me without a safe haven to be vulnerable-each therapist and counselor has said so and yet DH continues to dig in his heels. And yes, he has every right to be, he can only work through his own feelings and emotions at his own pace. And so, DH and I continue in this stalemate. As civil and companionable as it is, it is just that. A stalemate. Not sure how to shake loose, if even to get us moving again, one way of another. Direction is relative, as long as you’re looking forward.

Choices, Decisions, and Triggers! Oh My!

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 2 March 15
Posted in: marriage counseling, real life. 3 Comments

bricks from old housebwEvery day, it’s a choice to work on your relationship every day. To pay attention. To care. To ride the tide and decide. We have been in counseling just over a year. It’s hard. It’s not a silver bullet. It’s knowing that we are working to get healthy. Whether or not the end game is remaining married. Or not. We both just know that we don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.

Last month, a newer friend, asked me why didn’t I just leave. *sigh* no matter what many think. it isn’t that simple. While my marriage is seriously broken, maybe even irrevocably, the decision to end a marriage, or any relationship has many facets to be considered. I am incredibly proud of the posts that Lady M (The Woman Invisible) has posted regarding her divorce and post-divorce issues. Not because they are unexpected but because she acknowledges that she was likely not ready for it on some levels, and still needs to work through her own feelings and reactions in order to get healthy. It takes a lot to admit that, post a decision.

The last few months have been incredibly challenging when it comes to our counseling. We both has past feelings we have buried for so long that working through it is necessary before we can address much of what we have yet to work through. It’s a decision every day to be willing to work through the past to get towards a healthier, if yet uncertain future.

Marinating in my drafts folder…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 1 February 15
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, marriage counseling, real life.

not looking backI’ve let this post marinate in my drafts folder much too long…

Meeting with our marriage counselor on New Years Eve seemed ironically appropriate to me. While we were still 5+ weeks away from the 1-year anniversary of D-day, it felt much longer. A lifetime ago.

Amelia doesn’t really greet us when she comes to get us from the lobby, she never has. Instead, DH & I walk the corridor to her office and take our respective seats. Only then, when she’s taken her seat across from the couch, does she reveal her “tell”. She lowers her head just so, and then looks at us over her eyeglasses, pen in hand, held up to her mouth. “Hello IsMe, Hello DH and how have the last two weeks been?”

I almost always wait for DH to speak, conscious of the fact that I talk. A. Lot. And, I know, that DH tends to wait until we have a counseling session to bring something up that he wants to talk about and or when he isn’t sure how he wants to approach a topic. DH looks to me, then at Amelia and back at me before saying “Good. Fine. It’s been a relaxing holiday season. Deliberately low key. I needed the rest.” Amelia looks to me “It’s been quiet. Part of it is that I’ve been ill and some treatments aren’t going as well and I find I’m fatigued more than usual. So, luckily for the kids and DH, I’m not pushing to go and do holiday things. Instead, being home is just where I want to be.”

She took this in and nodded her head, as if talking to herself. And then she looks up. “It’s been 10-months since the two of you started coming to work on your relationship, as it’s almost a new year. How would you look back and describe your feelings and emotions over the course of the year to this point? DH, let’s start with you.” Silence. Stunned, awkward, uncomfortable silence. “DH I’m asking you to start because you and I know, that once IsMe gets started, she might not stop and I know you have something to say.” More. Silence. I finally tapped DH on the shoulder gently and whispered “Breathe BD, just take a breath.” He inhales deeply and exhales but says nothing.

My mind is racing, words tumbling about, wanting to word vomit everywhere.  50-minutes is not enough time to recap every damn emotion, feeling, nuance of the last 11-months, let alone the last 10 we’ve been in counseling. Not. Even. Close. I wait, hoping DH will find his voice. You see, he dances around topics and emotions. Feelings. He will make comments or statement based on assumptions, he will deflect, but I know this. She knows this. He knows this. “DH, you know we have to work through your feelings and emotions individually and together right? If you can’t begin to reflect on the last year in relation to your feelings and emotions, you can’t move forward.”…”I know. I don’t know that I can. Move forward. I just don’t understand how IsMe can’t just go back to the way things were before she went off the rails.”  all of that rushes out of DH in one long exhale.

*Sigh* and so it goes. Amelia isn’t easily distracted and pushes DH to expand on his thoughts using feelings and emotions to restate his thoughts. And I drift. I can’t help it. Much of our sessions in the last three months has been the same. My attention is brought back to the here and now when Amelia sighs loudly “Ok, let me ask you a different question. Knowing everything you do, every experience you’ve had good and bad, why are you here? What are you hoping the end result of all this work is?” A deer in the headlights. Amelia turns to me with an even more audible sigh

“Right now, my hope is that DH and I can keep working through the feelings that are surfacing and address them. I don’t know that we can talk about the end game, until we face the past. I know I want us to be healthy, individually and as a couple. Even if we aren’t a married couple. As DH has always said, we’ll always be intertwined, we have the kidlets. Do I want to remain married if we don’t continue to work through our stuff? No. It’s not that I don’t want to. I can’t.”

And with that, our 50-minutes were up. Happy New Year.