Every day, it’s a choice to work on your relationship every day. To pay attention. To care. To ride the tide and decide. We have been in counseling just over a year. It’s hard. It’s not a silver bullet. It’s knowing that we are working to get healthy. Whether or not the end game is remaining married. Or not. We both just know that we don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
Last month, a newer friend, asked me why didn’t I just leave. *sigh* no matter what many think. it isn’t that simple. While my marriage is seriously broken, maybe even irrevocably, the decision to end a marriage, or any relationship has many facets to be considered. I am incredibly proud of the posts that Lady M (The Woman Invisible) has posted regarding her divorce and post-divorce issues. Not because they are unexpected but because she acknowledges that she was likely not ready for it on some levels, and still needs to work through her own feelings and reactions in order to get healthy. It takes a lot to admit that, post a decision.
The last few months have been incredibly challenging when it comes to our counseling. We both has past feelings we have buried for so long that working through it is necessary before we can address much of what we have yet to work through. It’s a decision every day to be willing to work through the past to get towards a healthier, if yet uncertain future.
I don’t know your whole story (some are password protected) so I don’t want to judge or make incorrect assumptions. But for me, I am still in a (bad) marriage. I stay because of my kids, my culture, consequences I am not ready to accept. Its affected me tremendously- mentally and physically. I do applaud and commend all the women who have chosen to leave for a better path in life. To me, they are very strong, courageous, and brave. 🙂
I don’t think people realize nowadays marriage is not something you just throw away. If it doesn’t work and you have tried everything then of course, don’t remain unhappy, divorce. Marriage isn’t always easy, sometimes it downright sucks. I’ve been married 13 years this month, we’ve been together 18 years. I was 13 years old when we got together. It wasn’t worth throwing away.
Years ago DH and I went through a really bad patch and I was ready, so READY to just throw in the towel and walk away. My counselor at the time told me that leaving and starting over is the easiest choice, one I was contemplating from a place of fatigue, weakness, and fear. Staying there, hanging in, excavating and exploring and facing the issues and fears that made the relationship falter and fail takes greater courage and assumes greater risk, because there is only the vague potential of equal rewards that would come with repairing the relationship. While at first I was completely infuriated – how dare he describe me as weak and fearful and tired – only to recognize that I was looking for the exit because it is my habit to run from personal issues I found too painful to broach by myself, alone, much less in the company of others. For me it worked out well, but it is not always that way for every couple. That said, I do not personally know anyone who has not gained something from counseling and doing the hard work associated with addressing issues related to mental and emotional health. The journey is deeply personal, and only you and your DH know what benefits come from doing this work right now, together and separately. Stay strong and keep your focus on the elusive prize you are seeking, believe that it will come into view much more precisely when you are ready to really see it.