That is what these last few weeks have felt like. Moving one way only to be pulled under and turned around, trying to find the balance between all of the every day commitments in one’s personal life and professional life and the time necessary to reflect, take a breath and frankly, rest. Rest the brain. Rest the heart. Rest the body. Rest the soul. Because you have to get up each and every day and work, hard, very hard, literally and figuratively because you are not an island. You are part of an eco-system and that eco-system has dependencies on you. And when you’ve let that eco-system down, you have to get back up and try. Harder.
I can feel myself withdrawing, putting up walls to protect my heart with the realization that the ache of loneliness has returned with a vengeance. Lack of communication and connection leaves me without a safe haven to be vulnerable-each therapist and counselor has said so and yet DH continues to dig in his heels. And yes, he has every right to be, he can only work through his own feelings and emotions at his own pace. And so, DH and I continue in this stalemate. As civil and companionable as it is, it is just that. A stalemate. Not sure how to shake loose, if even to get us moving again, one way of another. Direction is relative, as long as you’re looking forward.