while I am not surprised, I will admit that I expected the “hater’s” to be most vocal over on Tumblr. In hindsight, what I failed to recognize is that the audience on Tumblr is varied from very young in terms of maturity (and even age at some point) to those only seeking the salacious and then those in mid-life that see it as a creative outlet with some anonymity to express desires etc. And everything in-between.
When I decided to start blogging over here on WordPress, with the intent to be able to ramble on about him, my feelings, the emotional upheaval and awakenings as well as the conflicts, ache etc. I decided that in order to be genuine and authentic to what I was trying to achieve, I would not make this anonymous or private. I’d put this out on the inter-webs for anyone to stumble upon. Knowing full well, that as folks found this, they would have an opinion. One way or another. I expected it. This topic, of a relationship outside of marriage that isn’t an open marriage, a swinging marriage, or a polyamorous one is definitely a polarizing topic. Especially for those that have not lived in either of the other’s shoes (the Wife and or the Other Woman and quite frankly the Cheater) or those that have an opinion because it touched some aspect of their lives or perhaps they were like the me that was so righteous and judgmental whereas a betrayal is a betrayal regardless of circumstances or context.
I get it. I really do. In the last three days I have had more comments come through all starting with my original posting about saying “i love you”. I am only surprised because of all of the posts, though admittedly not that many of them, it was the “i love you” that’s brought out the lurking haters if you will. I don’t hide from the comments or the opinions, but I can decide what I will publish and who I will respond to privately or on this blog. I will not allow you to vilify those that read this blog in search of answers, whether they are The Wife, the Other Woman, someone looking for some salacious retellings (visit my Tumblr or the Nocturnal Notions link) or someone that stumbled upon here by accident. Lest you think I am flaunting my cheating, you are wrong. Am I venting, talking out loud about a place I didn’t expect to be, a love, in whatever context it may be that is very real to me and my own journey to what will be a conclusion that isn’t predicated on a dream of he and I being together in a marriage? yes.
Everyone sins, and everyone sins differently. I look in the mirror everyday and point my finger at the person looking back at me. I suggest that those of you who’ve sent some of the most hateful and ignorant messages I’ve received to date, do the same.
is me is really me 
I love this! I agree wholeheartedly. The world would be a better place if we left the judging up to God and just showed compassion to one another. We all have a lot to learn from one another and different perspectives to share. Can’t we all just get along? LOL.
*sigh* I know, right?
I think it’s easier to judge rather than understand and the only time you truly understand is when you “walk the line.” As a former judger, Queen of moral superiorty, do-gooding-know-it-all, l couldn’t believe l was doing what l was doing and still can’t completely understand how l found myself there. For all the haters out there, l wish them no ill, but l must admit that the sheltered world of their moral perch makes me smile, and it’s with a wry grin that l read their comments because l remember that once upon a time l may have written something scathingly similar. I only hope that they one day they don’t find themselves on our side. I can tell them now the fall is spectacular.
exactly and ironically enough, one I wouldn’t wish on any of them. ok, that’s too magnanimous, maybe one or two of them. kidding aside, I agree with you completely. thanks for weighing in!
Definitely one or two of them. Hey maybe even three or four. 🙂
I was the other woman …. More than once. But no more. No matter though, I judge no one.
yep. while this is my first and i’m confident last time as the other woman. i have been the wife twice!
I think I know who you’re talking about; they’ve not surfaced in my current incarnation, but could be pretty nasty in my last one. In my post just now I talk about how judgemental his wife is, even though she was once the other woman. Ironically, it’s her attempts to isolate me that found me support, her efforts to shame me that made our affair other people’s business when it didn’t have to be. People who judge cast stones, not realizing that they will just make their own situation worse when those stones ricochet!
it’s so very true. as I’ve followed your journey, I was intrigued by Louise’s actions and hypocrisy-from the standpoint of perhaps she was and is so vehement in her actions because she knows she is guilty of the same things. projecting her own guilt upon him (and you) to shame him. I just don’t get it. Well sadly, I do, I get it. I don’t understand that motivation not anymore.
I understand her hurt, I truly get that. But she didn’t want this talked about, yet she forced us into a mea culpa w friends, which just made this other peoples’ business when it didn’t have to be. And seriously, making him tell his parents? To me, that is just so cruel, so mean. You’d think her past would’ve given her some degree of empathy, of understanding how the situation might arise. Sadly, I’ve learned that people are ferociously quick with their judgements… What that saying… Judge not, lest you too be judged…
Prior to my current situation I was engaged for a long time. During our entire time together he was with her, but I didn’t know…I suspected…until she called me. She was all to willing to give me details to try to make me hate him so I would kick him to the curb. She was hateful, cruel, and manipulative. He never ended things which I was our relationship ended. However, I will say. Though I found myself so angry at times at her, I knew that my real anger was at him. His ability to lie to me and say he wasn’t seeing her anymore, though he was, was the hardest thing. I couldn’t understand how he could claim to love me and still hang on to her even though she had sought to hurt me so badly. It was his loyalty to me that I really struggled with. Even then I didn’t blame her, I blamed him. I would look at from how did I contribute to the cheating, but he was serial cheater. Our final undoing was when he got a girl pregnant while we had been going to counseling and working things out. He got a girl, not “the other woman” pregnant. The other woman and I thought it was a choice between the two of us and in the end he bit us both in booty! I would have never in a thousand years think I would be the other woman after my experience, but life has a way of humbling us and knocking us off our high horse. I’m thankful for my experiences I think it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person. That thing called karma will always get you when you least expect it.
So many typos…sorry! Long day, so much going on in my world and my fingers are protesting that I am still up! I hope you get the main points 🙂
LOL well at least you can use the long day excuse. my typos are all on me 😉
in all seriousness, all of the points were hit and spot on!
Thank you. 🙂 you have a kind heart.
Yeah, karma is a biotch…makes me worry about when it’s coming for me. The fact is, however she’s reacted, she’s the victim. But acting as she has, trying to make people feel worse than they do, she makes it hard to remember that she’s the injured party in all of this. I am not the one who took vows with her, I am not the one married to her, and I neither promised nor owed her honesty. But I get it. I really do.
I don’t think karma will bite you, not at all. Your actions were not intentional, you weren’t trying to hurt someone. You are human and you didn’t act without regard to other’s feelings. I honestly believe you are a good person who cares about others. Think about all the good you do for others. No, I don’t believe karma is coming for you. You deserve the happiness and freedom that is coming your way. You are compassionate and caring. Having been the other woman doesn’t define you… you are beautiful!
Thank you very, very much for that!
You have been through a lot. Serial cheater never leaves his wife or OW. Mine is also an example. Just like your ex fiancé, he still wants to be with me and his wife while working on be with someone else. I admire your positives attitude regardless of everything happened. 🙂
Attitude is everything. And you’re right serial cheaters never leave, and they rarely stop cheating. They will hang onto to you as long as you let them. Thank you I have had to work at staying positive. Gratitude for what I do have has been essential.
Your situation is just like mine. Cheated by husband. Year later, met a great man but after 8 months to find out he is married and serial cheater. I understands how hard it is for you to stay positive and keep on going with daily life. Struggling but it will get better. Hope is what I hold on to.
It seems that judging is what people do best… sadly enough, hardly ever are they able to notice and properly categorize their own mistakes. As for being the cheater, the wife or the other woman – we live in a complex, complicated, often impossible world, so who can really tell what parts we may have played in other people’s lives without even knowing it? Let’s not forget that absolutely nothing is absolute 😉 Perhaps things would be a lot easier for all of us if we judged less, minded our own business more and allowed others the freedom we desire for ourselves.
I try to remember those words, your words, every day. when I want to tsk tsk the courtesy checker that’s too slow or my young colleague who is struggling with being a single dad. everyone has issues and we are human, we can’t help but judge at times. my goal is to catch myself before the moment or at least in it so I can course correct. I believe that kindness is possible even in impossible situations. thank you for reading and for sending a note! I am a fan of your writing btw 🙂
Thanks, I appreciate that 🙂
Amen! I am ok with an expression of opinion that differs from me as long as it remains objective and respectful. I not opposed to opposing thoughts, just hatefulness and people who want to throw stones. There is one person in particular that I have noticed is trolling on everyone’s blogs. This person is filled with hate and resentment and chooses to misdirect their frustrations at those who have never done them wrong. I choose not to respond or engage them in anyway as I don’t want to give their ignorance any credibility. It really boils down to an uneducated person with an entitlement complex. I just delete, ignore and move on with my life. Great post!
exactly! I have a feeling we may be talking about the same person. it’s amazing the messages I’ve received, not the “hate” so much, that doesn’t surprise me as much as they direct their comments at the people who read my blog or comment etc. it’s so counter intuitive and ignorant. thank you!!
I loved the post “Being Her” posted the other day about shoes. Be careful about ridiculing and pointing fingers at the one who wears “the shoes” you never know when it might be you in those same shoes. Most of us never thought we would be here, and most of would never choose this path. Until you have been down that road there is no possible way anybody could ever understand how you “just end up here.” I love your blog and I am glad it was public. It’s an inspiration! 🙂 Hope you are doing well!