posts i write but typically don’t post

Mastubatory musings…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 30 October 14
Posted in: musings, nocturnal notions, posts i write but typically don't post, random, real life, work related. 6 Comments

Wow what a crap day. Seriously. And I admit, before meeting up with my colleagues, these fine people that I’ve worked along side of for several years, I had to release some of the stress. No time to run to the gym, and besides, I not only left my gym bag at home, the gym is 15-miles in the opposite direction of the restaurant everyone was gathering at.

So I ducked into the combo ladies locker room/mothers room/restroom  at work, just after the janitorial staff and made myself comfortable in one of the privacy stalls. A few deep shoulder shrugs and neck rolls before I remembered to breathe…

Deeply, as if matching my breathing to his. And as I drifted, I had this overwhelming memory of him; my body betraying my need for a few winks in favor of feeding the lust that precedes a dream…

WP_20131215_031 hanging downI find myself up on all fours, my ass up, twitching in anticipation as the soft breeze teases me. Memories flash; of his mouth upon me, the bite of his teeth, and the sure,  firm possession in the way his hands devour my body. As his touches me, pinches me, a longing moan escapes from my mouth. His large hand-print bright and red on my ass, the result of loving spankings doled out for various transgressions over the course of time. And then, his fingers reach to explore my sex. As if to ensure that I am still his. Still wet for him. Still lustful, hungry and in need. My eyes roll to the back of my head and I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t resist the need to rock back and forth, grinding into his hand,  dripping as it begs for him to keep touching me. Taking me.

My hands, are bound before me, looking even smaller than usual but the color of my nail polish is set off well in comparison to the soft rope he’s selected to  bound me with, my elbows now red from the burn and my knees, oh my knees are livid with the impression from the seams of the bedspread. Mewling moans fall from my mouth only to be further articulated by gasps of pleasure and guttural grunts driven by lustful inhibition. The fingers from his free hand tracing unseen trails up and down my back further eliciting sounds of ecstasy.

And then, after my body has come over and over, my legs quivering and breasts sore and pink, he takes me again, with the pleasure of his full, hard cock with one deep thrust. Pushing through the juice of desire built up within in, overflowing and dripping down my legs as he thrusts in and out of my wet pussy, eager to tighten itself around his shaft in convulsing orgasms…

mmm yes, just what a gal needs to relieve the stress and release the endorphins. Cleaning myself up and readjusting my clothes, I walk to the garage ready to commiserate with my team.

reality is i’m blessed

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 August 14
Posted in: posts i write but typically don't post, random, real life, work related. Tagged: , . 2 Comments

originally posted to drafts folder 30 July 2014

there’s nothing like opening the mail to find just under $17,000 (usd) worth of unpaid invoices for your child’s healthcare waiting for payment. It’s not lost on me that I am blessed to be doing work I love for an employer that I admire and is stable within the industry. More importantly, provides healthcare that covers the kidlets and me to the tune of well over 6-figures each year.

I keep all of my blessings in mind as dh and I continue to navigate marriage counseling, life and our individual needs.

invoices_WP_20140729_bw

drafts folder (post 3) “yes. if you insist but only his

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 August 14
Posted in: affair, cheating, haters, long distance affair, posts i write but typically don't post. Tagged: , , , . 8 Comments

originally posted to drafts folder 3 July 2014 (in a moment of my own snarkiness)

his slut

 

for the anonymous and not so anonymous people that have messaged me in order to call me slut, cunt, whore, skank et al. if you insist. but to be clear, only his

drafts folder…post 2

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 August 14
Posted in: affair, married long distance lovers, musings, mutual admiration society of 2, posts i write but typically don't post, real life. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

posted to drafts folder march 1, 2014

blank_lovers-holding-hands-in-showerthe sound of the driving rain against my office window reminded me of the way the water hits the shower door. As if begging for our attention as you kiss me, leaving me breathless and thirsting for more.

it’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since we’ve been together in those moments before we part yet again. I realize that last year, was a unique year for the two of us with travel schedules that synched up more often than not. this year, well now this year is different for an entirely different reason. isn’t it?

and yet, it doesn’t make me miss you any less. it doesn’t make me not long for the sound of the water…no. if anything the longing permeates throughout my being

for ann st. vincent and smittenwithhim…eek

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 20 July 14
Posted in: darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, posts i write but typically don't post, real life. Tagged: , . 11 Comments

earlier this month, ann wrote a post pondering boudoir pics and in my comment i stated she should just do it! she wouldn’t regret it! etc. etc. blah blah and then i was stupid enough to say “maybe i’ll post one of mine” and blog about it. oh good lord, why didn’t i just stfu?!

here’s the deal. anyone that’s followed this blog or stumbled upon my tumblr or dear god, knows who i am or reads my every day professional blog; in my professional, platonic personal and philanthropic life, i’m strong, dependable, assertive, etc. the classic a-type overachiever. in my internal dialogue and romantic life i’ve got body image issues related to my weight that i’ve discovered goes back to before i was even a kindergartener.

but, about 4 years ago i started to accept my body for what it is, what it looks like and acknowledge that no matter how physically active i am, very, or how much i diet, my body is what it is. unless of course i’m willing to fork over way too much money to go under the knife. which i am not. even as i began to dress differently, with confidence, less oversize and baggy yet still very much me, my dh couldn’t see beyond what has long been an issue between us, my weight. i believed the words, his words, and instead of curves i just saw rolls of fat. instead of cute freckles i saw uneven spots, instead of soft, natural breasts i saw too large, too soft “more than a mouthful” breasts. until i met him.

before he even undressed me, we were sitting in the restaurant discussing the day. the time between our meeting in the late afternoon before his presentation and the time right in front of us when he said “i like that you’re wearing a red bra.” i blushed, how would he know that, before looking down and realizing that the strap was slightly askew and just this side of the green and white strap of my blouse, therefore peeking out where my sweater had fallen from my shoulder. you have no idea how much that made me moist. why? because for three years leading up to that moment two years ago i was wearing matching bras and panties, in colors, prints and styles in the hopes that my dh would notice. oh sure he noticed. noticed enough to either say: “why do you even bother? lingerie on you doesn’t look good so it doesn’t do anything for me” or “i don’t know why you spend money on matching lingerie. it’s not like i care.” *sigh*

through his eyes i began to believe that maybe, just maybe, i am a plus size gal with curves and not just rolls of fat. maybe the words that others have said to me my entire life, the words that i dismissed as fake flattery or biased because they were my friends might be true.

i wanted my dh to see me. really see me. and so i decided that self-consciousness and self-doubt be damned, i’m going to do a boudoir shoot and present dh with the album for his 50th birthday. it took me a few more months to get the courage up to book the appointment and i toured a few studios in the area. sure that i would back out if i didn’t have a little skin, no pun intended, in the game, i booked sessions at two different studios with very different styles, artistically.

ironically, the pics from the studio that i was the most excited about, that edgier more hip vibe were the ones i liked the least. i wasn’t overly made up but i don’t look comfortable in the poses. and the studio that is more of a bridal studio, where i had a traditional make-up session (i don’t wear make up in general) are the one’s that made me *gasp* and the tear up when i saw them. is that really me? i mean, minus the eye make-up, of course.

PicMonkey Collage_bw

and so, i gingerly took the book into my possession and wrapped it up along with the other items selected for dh’s birthday and tucked it away until the big day…

would he like them? i hoped so.

 

uttered in counseling

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 6 March 14
Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, musings, my choice, posts i write but typically don't post. Tagged: , , , , , . 5 Comments

I choose meduring counseling today i was stunned into silence when the counselor looked at me, then at darling husband, back at me before turning to face darling husband and said “you can’t fault her for finally choosing herself when she has always put you first. always. her choice, whether right or wrong, was still her choice and you chose to ignore her for so long that to raise an objection now is your issue. not hers. we are here to deal with each of these separately as they impact your relationship. but until you can see, not agree, but see things from her perspective, you won’t move forward.” huh…still processing.

how do you sin?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 28 January 14
Posted in: cheating, email exchange, haters, married long distance lovers, posts i write but typically don't post, real life, sinners, will never be mine. 26 Comments

sin differently

while I am not surprised, I will admit that I expected the “hater’s” to be most vocal over on Tumblr. In hindsight, what I failed to recognize is that the audience on Tumblr is varied from very young in terms of maturity (and even age at some point) to those only seeking the salacious and then those in mid-life that see it as a creative outlet with some anonymity to express desires etc. And everything in-between.

When I decided to start blogging over here on WordPress, with the intent to be able to ramble on about him, my feelings, the emotional upheaval and awakenings as well as the conflicts, ache etc. I decided that in order to be genuine and authentic to what I was trying to achieve, I would not make this anonymous or private. I’d put this out on the inter-webs for anyone to stumble upon. Knowing full well, that as folks found this, they would have an opinion. One way or another. I expected it. This topic, of a relationship outside of marriage that isn’t an open marriage, a swinging marriage, or a polyamorous one is definitely a polarizing topic. Especially for those that have not lived in either of the other’s shoes (the Wife and or the Other Woman and quite frankly the Cheater) or those that have an opinion because it touched some aspect of their lives or perhaps they were like the me that was so righteous and judgmental whereas a betrayal is a betrayal regardless of circumstances or context.

I get it. I really do. In the last three days I have had more comments come through all starting with my original posting about saying “i love you”. I am only surprised because of all of the posts, though admittedly not that many of them, it was the “i love you” that’s brought out the lurking haters if you will.  I don’t hide from the comments or the opinions, but I can decide what I will publish and who I will respond to privately or on this blog. I will not allow you to vilify those that read this blog in search of answers, whether they are The Wife, the Other Woman, someone looking for some salacious retellings (visit my Tumblr or the Nocturnal Notions link)  or someone that stumbled upon here by accident. Lest you think I am flaunting my cheating, you are wrong. Am I venting, talking out loud about a place I didn’t expect to be, a love, in whatever context it may be that is very real to me and my own journey to what will be a conclusion that isn’t predicated on a dream of he and I being together in a marriage? yes.

Everyone sins, and everyone sins differently. I look in the mirror everyday and point my finger at the person looking back at me.  I suggest that those of you who’ve sent some of the most hateful and ignorant messages I’ve received to date,  do the same.