Tomorrow is counseling day. Marriage counseling. I admitted to IHAA in an email conversation that it’s not an easy road. Nor should it be, but I’m definitely a bit fatigued by it right now. And to be fair, so is DH. It’s been just over a year now, DH & I have been diligent in our attendance, doing the homework and taking each day as it comes. We have good days, okay days and of course, bad days. It’s been a long while since we’ve had a complete shit-show day and that’s good too except that it feels as if we are at a stalemate in terms of progress. The last few sessions we’ve started to touch upon incredibly hard and deeply seeded issues but it’s always in the 15-minutes of the session and only after our counselor has gone through a herculean effort to bring it out of DH. I am more than cognizant of the fact that I’m all in when it comes to therapy and participation and so I work at patience and letting whatever needs to be said to flow from DH in his time and when he’s ready. Even our counselor has said that I can’t do all of the work. As much as he may want to punish me or be angry, which he has every right to do and be, he also has work to do and if he isn’t willing to address that and talk about that then I can’t do any work if I don’t know what it is he wants to address. It’s a cycle.
We have been dancing around the topic of PTSD related to childhood abuse and yet some of the things still haven’t been addressed or done that DH has committed to. In our marriage counseling and his own therapy. Our counselor asked him again, why not. His answer of “why”? Made her stop in her tracks. She asked him, “Do you want to try to understand IsMe and her own journey?” . Silence. Not the kind where you could hear a pin drop more of the hushed kind. I was about to speak but she silenced me with a wave of her hand. Wanting DH to ruminate on her question and wallow in the silence. When DH finally took a breath he was honest in his answer. “Can we talk about it next session? Maybe? I don’t know…” and our time was up.
So, next time is tomorrow. The past two weeks have been okay. Not great, a couple of very difficult trigger-filled days for both of us, but the majority of the time ok. Every time we’ve tried to start a conversation about us or our relationship was quickly moved to the parking lot. As in, let’s park this until our next session. Tomorrow is the next session.
is me is really me 