20 June 2015
Ah yes, one of those drafts that has been sitting in my drafts for the past 6-months. Originally, if I remember correctly, I started writing this post during a particularly difficult time in marriage counseling and some hard work I was facing in my personal therapy related to childhood trauma I was finally acknowledging/recognizing as a form of disassociation and ptsd and how my lack of connection with him was leaving me feeling alone. In a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. While the specifics have changed. This quote resonates on many levels, especially as I’ve read through many of the blogs I follow these past few weeks…~IsMe
“never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up”
a quick proud mom moment. oldest is a challenge, to be clear. i’m sure the fact that she’s a hormonal 17-year old has nothing to do with it *smirk*. But I will admit she does have her moments.
The video above was sent to a few parents earlier this week from another parent that we don’t know very well. He prefaced the video by saying he wished he had thought to capture what he witnessed earlier this week and this video was along the lines of what he saw. hmm… he went on to explain that he was at a local super Target (has a grocery store and pharmacy etc.) and on his way in there was a mother with two small children and the usual sign that said something akin to: “anything will help. husband and me (sic) work in fast food but can’t always covers bills. food and diapers needed most.” he said he avoided their eyes and walked into get his list purchased and get out.
on his way out he saw these teenage girls giving this woman bags with basic foods, diapers, formula and small stuffed animal for each child. the woman was overcome and said she would go and wait for the bus the group said they would take the bus with her and help her with the items. another girl in the group gave the woman a her bus card saying she can always buy another one.
Naturally, tears welled up and then the emails, texts and calls flew between the parents of the girls in question. Do we ask them about it? Why haven’t they said anything? And of course the random “you knew didn’t you?” etc. It boiled down to none of us knew our kids did this and probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the father of another student who recognized these girls. we checked their social media sites, nothing. We didn’t know what to do, we are proud of them and wanted to let them know yet there had to be a reason we didn’t know.
The opportunity to do some not so subtle digging came last night when my daughter came home with 4 of them in tow, deciding on a last minute sleepover. I asked them about it, they fell silent. finally, one spoke up and merely said “mrs. smith-we try to do something like that once a month. we have been since we were freshmen. it’s no big deal, it’s just our way of trying to make a difference as friends.” and of course all of them asked if their parents knew? I had to tell them that we now knew and asked why the secret? A cacophony of female voices filled the air “not a secret really, just not a big deal” “we do it because we want to, not because we have to” “didn’t think anyone needs to know” “it’s like fight club, we don’t talk about dsg club”(dsg=do something good) “please tell our parents to help us keep this quiet”…hmm I think that’s going to be hard, but we’ll try.
mind. blown. literally.
“Love isn’t always the reason to stay. Sometimes love is the reason to leave.” – William Chapman
© 2013 William J Chapman.
Questions come and go but as is probably no surprise, a consistent question is “why don’t you leave”? I could write post after post about the why neither of us has made that choice just yet. It’s either interpreted as rationalizing, or not being the better person for leaving. Perhaps. The truth is, in our situation just walking away isn’t as easy as that. I’ve been accused of having no remorse or no regret. That’s simply not true.
Just because I don’t write about the crisis of conscience that flares up or the remorse for the hurt I’ve caused my dh in the exact same manner he sliced through my heart all of those years ago. Or the guilt that we’ve burdened ourselves with due to some incredibly honest and raw counseling sessions in which he has admitted that he still believes his own affairs all of those years ago are forgivable and that he doesn’t have remorse in that way he thinks I need. Or my own admission that while I’m ashamed and so sorry for the betrayal he didn’t deserve, I don’t know if I can or want to settle for the way we used to be. That I wonder if a life without dh would be as lonely as the life I have with dh sleeping a mere 8″ away from me.
Believe it or not, we love each other. We do. Have we ever been in love with one another at the same time? Probably not. DH recently admitted that he’s not sure that he’s ever been in love with me that way a person should be in love with a person. And I admitted that that after so many years of knowing that, feeling that, of being invisible and only seen as the co-parent, the reliable roommate that would always be the one who loved him in every which way, more, I made a choice. A deliberate choice, thinking it wouldn’t matter to him. And now, I have to reconcile my choices with what lays ahead for us. And DH has to do the same.
We didn’t make it to 25-years (next week) without love, determination and a shared sense of partnership in 80% of our shared life together. We are a united front when it comes to our children. For our oldest who will head off to college next fall, and our son with special needs, together we are unequivocally Mr. and Mrs. Brown. When it comes to our mutually demanding and stressful careers, we share the burden of balancing. There is no question that our children are tantamount regardless of where this journey takes us. The question becomes one of whether or not we see our love being able to withstand the burden of our baggage and choices, and grow into one that we both want and deserve? Or, is it the love that makes the right decision one in which to leave?