*sigh* how could I refuse? It was my opportunity to sleep with him, if even for a moment. he was warm, not hot and sweaty but warm, snuggly warm, after the shower he had dried off, turned on the tv and hunkered down whilst I dried my hair. not out of vanity but practicality. I can’t get sick, and sleeping with wet hair in a cool room tends to give me a cold. There he was, dozing, and sexy as hell. Peaceful, no stress lines around his eyes, but relaxed and breathing. I giggled as I turn the tv down, low enough not to be a distraction but loud enough to ensure we don’t fall asleep completely.
Oh I was tempted, trust me. He stirred as I climbed in next to him and as if on instinct, he rolled to his left side and scooped me up into him. warm, fuzzy, snuggly. his breathing starts to slow and deepen and I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation around me and the way I fit. As if I was meant to fit just like that into him. My eyes start to flutter shut and I go to match my breathing with his when I realize that not only is his heart beat slow, steady, but his lung capacity must be incredible as I can’t match him breath for breath. I stop trying and instead, I allow myself to listen to the way he breathes, the snoring that tells me has fallen asleep, truly asleep and off I went.
Suddenly I wake, disappointed as I realized he is stirring and surprised to see that 45-minutes have flown on by. My heart is beating fast, not wanting this moment to end. This nap. As if he knows what I’m thinking, he kisses my neck as he says “shh baby, so sleepy, let’s just snuggle a bit more” and he nuzzles my neck making my nipples instantly respond and the moisture spring forward between my legs. “m’kay…” is my only response as I settle back into him and close my eyes. Willing myself not to cry from the happiness inside that confirms what I suspected, I am indeed in love with him. I want to sleep with him. Naked. Warm. Entangled. Willing myself to cry from the heartbreak of reality that he will never be mine. Not this way. Not entirely. Not unless he’s willing to acknowledge that life is messy, life is not planned and life has a way of showing us what is what in unexpected way.
And so I lay back and close my eyes for those remaining moments in which my life makes sense. if even for a moment.