especially since I also follow many blogs, maybe too many *nsfw* type of blogs but sometimes, when he sends me links to blogs he thinks i would like, it confuses me. and admittedly, it makes me a tad jealous. it shouldn’t, the well educated, rational woman in me knows this but i can’t seem to help it.
mostly because while the writing and the stories are salacious and all sorts of sexy good, they are also very similar in nature in terms of multiple partners or participating in the hotwife lifestyle. i am so not a swinger nor am i a hotwife (though i guess since we are not married to one another it would be hotwomanontheside?!). i have body image issues that plays about my mind and it’s only with him that I’ve enjoyed a certain liberty from those pressures. but truthfully, as I’ve stated earlier in this blog and on my previous blog that i’m moving from another platform, i am not a multiple partner kind of person. nor do i judge those that are. when i set about this journey, i thought i was going to have several fwb or even nsa sex partners. there was even a week very early on after meeting him that i had three other dates lined up and i had sex (always protected) with two other men. and i knew then that i wasn’t cut out for that. i need connection, no matter how horny and lustful i am.
he hasn’t shared many blogs with me, but he has shared enough that makes me wonder if he wants me indulge in that fantasy with him? i for one know that i could never share him with another woman, the typical guy fantasy of FMF because my time with him is so limited in the first place, i don’t know that my heart could take watching him with someone else. and while he has never asked me to be exclusive to him, it’s my choice and it’s my nature. just a random musing on how my mind thinks. i really want to see him. this separation will be the longest between our moments together, almost 21 weeks.
the long awaited surgery was yesterday. and now the long wait for results from pathology. it turns out there were 6 masses (I think it’s interesting that they don’t call them tumors but “masses”) instead of 5 and when it was all said and done it was about 10-lbs. pain meds mess me up and let me tell you, the road my mind wanders when I am on pain meds, isn’t always fun but man I feel like I have been hit by a truck. and the bruises that I can see are hideous, seriously. I can’t take the compression suit off until my suture check on Monday afternoon but at this rate, all I want to do is sleep. and read blogs. and tumble. and think of him.
He’s worried about me. Sending me emails, calling when he doesn’t normally, making sure I’m hydrating, resting, eating. Saying he wishes he were here to comfort me and kiss the bruises. No. I’m glad he’s not, because I wouldn’t be able to resist and in no way do I want anyone to see these bruises, or the sutures or me. ugh.
Darling husband is being decent. Pretty much leaving me alone and not complaining too much when I ask for water. He isn’t thrilled that I won’t be back on my feet right away, and may have to handle all of the kids stuff for a few days, but I get that it’s an inconvenience. Ok on meds and clearly I’m rambling something silly.
he recently shared this quote with me…” if a strong woman is not submissive, it is not because she is unable to submit. rather, she needs a man with the ability to create a safe place within her heart and mind for her to fall to her knees” (unknown)
I recognized the truth in them.
in my daily, every day real life, i am the picture of a typical “a” type personality. strong, determined, assertive, in control, engaged, team driver, team player, leader, subject matter expert, collaborator, decision maker- are the words that pepper my annual performance reviews and feedback from clients and colleagues. and yet from the moment i met him i felt safe and trusted him implicitly. enough to let down my guard…