the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.
especially since I also follow many blogs, maybe too many *nsfw* type of blogs but sometimes, when he sends me links to blogs he thinks i would like, it confuses me. and admittedly, it makes me a tad jealous. it shouldn’t, the well educated, rational woman in me knows this but i can’t seem to help it.
mostly because while the writing and the stories are salacious and all sorts of sexy good, they are also very similar in nature in terms of multiple partners or participating in the hotwife lifestyle. i am so not a swinger nor am i a hotwife (though i guess since we are not married to one another it would be hotwomanontheside?!). i have body image issues that plays about my mind and it’s only with him that I’ve enjoyed a certain liberty from those pressures. but truthfully, as I’ve stated earlier in this blog and on my previous blog that i’m moving from another platform, i am not a multiple partner kind of person. nor do i judge those that are. when i set about this journey, i thought i was going to have several fwb or even nsa sex partners. there was even a week very early on after meeting him that i had three other dates lined up and i had sex (always protected) with two other men. and i knew then that i wasn’t cut out for that. i need connection, no matter how horny and lustful i am.
he hasn’t shared many blogs with me, but he has shared enough that makes me wonder if he wants me indulge in that fantasy with him? i for one know that i could never share him with another woman, the typical guy fantasy of FMF because my time with him is so limited in the first place, i don’t know that my heart could take watching him with someone else. and while he has never asked me to be exclusive to him, it’s my choice and it’s my nature. just a random musing on how my mind thinks. i really want to see him. this separation will be the longest between our moments together, almost 21 weeks.
I don’t know if it’s because of my reading material lately; blogs, books, magazine articles, what not. but I have been thinking about good-bye a lot. Maybe it’s the cancer talking, I don’t know. I know that when I read fellow bloggers posts’ I am right there with them as they document their feelings; raw and real.
Maybe it’s because our current separation, 17-weeks and counting, was preceded by moments together every 2-weeks over the course of three months. Maybe it’s because, by all accounts; his recounting his history and my overactive mind; while he has had 7 lovers outside of his marrage (i’m #7) they’ve all been relatively “long-term” given the nature/start of the relationship. And I can’t help but wonder if my expiration date is coming soon? I mean, when we started, he was still traveling to my side of the country (ok, ok, to my city) about every 2-months. Then his industry took a bit of a hit and the clients and customers he has out here weren’t needing his attention as much as the clients in the states surrounding his. So how long will I be the “flavor”? How long until our distance and the inconsistent, infrequency of moments in real life isn’t enough?
Just random musings playing about my head…
distance may indeed be a good governor, but it’s a crappy thing for someone like myself that thrives on connection and communication. even more so when we can’t interact freely and the intervals between our next time together is so great. this current separation is the longest yet. if indeed i travel as planned to a conference i’m attending on the east cost, it will have been 21 weeks since we were last together in real life. that is almost half a year!
i’m heartsick at the thought of not being able to travel. the surgery to remove the tumors was on 12/27 for all intents and purposes it was a success in terms of removal. however on thursday i learned they are malignant with a less than average prognosis. i start treatment tomorrow and there is a very real possibility i will be “grounded” depending on how my body reacts.
he insists i do whatever i need to do to fight this, even if it means delaying travel plans and that he will find a way to visit clients and customers out this way instead. and this is where my over thinking and self doubt comes in. will he? would he really find a way to come and see me if i can’t travel? crazy as it seems, i need to know this-it makes facing treatment that much easier.
” just to verbalize what you know & suspect “i love you hun”. have good night. talk soon. bye”
wait! what!?! no you don’t understand, we don’t talk about feelings, especially mine since he knows I am attached to him. emotionally and otherwise. but not once have I ever considered he was attached to me. Ever. because he has always been so upfront that he doesn’t get emotionally attached and that he could just walk away from me if his bride ever got suspicious. I admit I have hoped, I have wished and I have even suspected that he might like me. But to luv me? Well I don’t even know if I can trust what I heard. I want to. Truly I do.