is me is really me

 the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.