the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.
” just to verbalize what you know & suspect “i love you hun”. have good night. talk soon. bye”
wait! what!?! no you don’t understand, we don’t talk about feelings, especially mine since he knows I am attached to him. emotionally and otherwise. but not once have I ever considered he was attached to me. Ever. because he has always been so upfront that he doesn’t get emotionally attached and that he could just walk away from me if his bride ever got suspicious. I admit I have hoped, I have wished and I have even suspected that he might like me. But to luv me? Well I don’t even know if I can trust what I heard. I want to. Truly I do.
I’ve been silent for a while. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say. I miss him desperately, and the holidays don’t help, because he is genuinely a family man. The traditions of the holidays (American holidays for those that follow from outside of the U.S.) are core to who he is and how he and his bride have raised their children.
To those of you that sit in judgment, I completely understand, your doubts and your judgment. Really I do, remember, until the spring of 2012, I was the wife. I am still a wife. But you know what I mean, I was one of those self-righteous, indignant people that could throw rocks and sit in judgment. And yes, at his foundation, while he is a serial cheater, he is a family man. A very involved and good father. One that not only provides for his family, but extended family and friends. And because of that, he goes dark around the holidays…from the week before Thanksgiving until Christmas he is pulled in some many directions, just as I am and while I know it, and I know he’s thinking of me, it doesn’t make it any easier.
After last Thanksgiving/Christmas-I have found that if I stay away from all social media and the places on the Internet we frequent together (Tumblr, Skype, GChat, Gmail etc.) while it doesn’t hurt less, I am less likely to dwell on our lack of contact. This year has proven to be challenging which is problematic given it’s only the day after Thanksgiving.
The Holidays have always been a big deal to me, the connection, the sentiments, the music, the movies…all of it. And this year, this year I am finding it even more of an emotional pull on me than before. Is it because I am another year older? Perhaps. Is it because I am going through these unknown medical challenges with a surgery pending? Maybe. I think it’s because I love him. And while I understand that we are not able to spend any of this time together, in real life, I long to. I long to shop for the perfect gift for him. To wrap myself around his body and feel safe, sexy, content. I yearn to tell him how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. With no expectation.
trite as it may seem, it’s true. with heartbreak there is the obvious tax. the immediate pain or awkwardness, depending on whom broke the others heart. but there’s the residual tax. the one that comes in the middle of the night and you can’t sleep or the when all on feels is the aching loneliness for just another moment with that person.
when one is heartbroken, one feels like that could never go through it again. promise to take better care of themselves, of their heart. but inevitably it happens again.
We missed completely today. Not even a quickie so to speak. Today was a hard day, no particular reason and a million and one reasons. One of those days. And I missed him. I miss him. And I hate being this way. I hate that I miss him, ache for him, long for him, want him, need him, the way that I do.