I’ve been asked to speak on a panel for a charity that I’ve been involved with for the better part of the last 18’sh years. This would be at their International conference in late 2015. I’m humbled and a bit flummoxed; my contributions have been administrative in nature not monetary and certainly others have been more generous and involved. Nonetheless, I’ve found myself reading the letter over in contemplation. Not yet responding. Why? It isn’t about the charity or the distance I’d need to travel.
I mean, I’ve nothing against Melbourne, it’s a lovely place. Truly. And the Langham is often ranked #1 on many travel sites. However, Melbourne is one of the cities that dh and his long-ago ap traveled together for work and yes, you guessed it, they trysted at the Langham. Eight nights in a five star resort down under. Melbourne is also the destination of which I found the plane tickets tucked into the book he was reading at the time. And the Langham, well it’s their impeccable customer service that sent the disposable camera to our home by way of the lost & found department, because Mr. Smith had accidentally left it in the suite he and his wife had just checked out of. The housekeeper very concerned it may have held some pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Smith together of significance so they turned it into lost and found and they in turn sent it back to the states. There’s nothing like going to Coscto to pick up pictures you were never meant to see.
Granted, that over 12+ years ago now, but it all came flashing back when the official invitation showed up. Why? Ah this is where Karma drops the wicked punchline…
She, yes she, *that* ow, the one dh was madly and passionately in love with has also been invited to be a guest speaker. Yes, of course she has. OMFG yes, yes only in real life can this happen.
I shouldn’t be surprised as she became involved with this charity early on as a way to get to know me. I was naïve at the time & didn’t realize that there was more than just a work friendship developing between dh and her. So when dh asked me to bring her along to one of the monthly volunteer events and introduce her to the President and others, I did. Enthusiastically! *I type with one hand as I slap my forehead with the other*
To her credit, she has remained actively involved in their business development from the country in which she’s lived for the last few years just as I’ve remained involved from the region I live in. The fact that we’re both considered experts in our common area is funny. How can it be anything different?
DH asked if I was going to accept the invitation. I was honest and said I didn’t know. Seeing her name wasn’t what brought it back. It was seeing her picture in the invite, one she must have submitted, of her at the Langham those 13-years, 4-months and 3-days ago (hey, but whose keeping track of that week?). The one of her in her “junior” business suit, looking every bit like the eager 28-year old she was at the time, standing amongst her colleagues near the stairs, one of which was dh. There he was, looking so much younger and his eyes were glued to her, rapt. Shining with love, his face flushed, his posture straight, making him appear even taller than his 6’3″ frame. I held the invitation out for him to see…”You know, it’s a fantastic picture of you hon. ” Because it is. It is a good picture of him, just seeing the love he had for her in that moment, and never seeing that depth of emotion for me, makes me question as to whether or not we are meant to work it out. He was happy in that picture. I want him to be happy again, with me or without me. He deserves to be happy.
is me is really me 
Deep emotions are like wild forest fires. They destroy all in their wake until they finally die after having consumed everything in their path. But even years later the embers are still active underground. You don’t need anything to disturb them and bring them back to the surface.
Wow. I’m not sure what I would do in your situation! You are a different person now, and so is your husband. There is something that has held the two of you together all this time – and love comes in different forms. You are also a very strong person and I am sure you could handle it. Good luck with your decision!
Of course you’re calm- after all you’ve got zero reason to complain about his affair because you’re just like him. So go or don’t go, but playing the betrayed spouse does not ring true. If it hurt you so much you’d have never done it to someone else. And no, not everyone deserves to be happy. What you deserve is the pain you inflicted. Unfortunately you’re incapable of feeling that so I guess we will all have to be patient.
Oh I’m not calm but I am not playing the betrayed spouse card. I’ve been there, done that. I was just surprised by J’s picture and how the memories came back. You have no idea what that pain was or how it manifested but you are correct, I deserve everything that I am paying right now for the horrible thing I’ve done. I’ve never said I didn’t. Yes, my dh and I are the same in that regard. We are different people in many other ways as well. While I still haven’t decided if I will accept the invitation, I appreciate your input.
I am left speechless. I am just amazed in your calmness on your post. However, you will find the right answer within yourself to decided what is best for you. Even though it brought out feelings of seeing the name and pictures, life has changed for you and your husband.
Oh my I’m so sorry. Don’t go. Don’t torture yourself. It’s been too many years and just the name and photo brought these feelings up.
I know right?! The weird thing is the feelings were more surreal. It didn’t gut me as much as it made me sad to remember those moments. D-day and then the 9-months following in which DH actively worked with and was seeing her until the day we were to file for legal separation and he couldn’t do it. So much as happened in the last 13 years, I’m a different person (duh! I now have cheated myself, albeit 11-years later), dh is a different person. It was actually those memories that started me on this path five years ago when I started questioning whether or not I did the right thing by trying to fight for my marriage. Was DH happy? He certainly wasn’t acting like it. Did I keep him from true happiness and therefore my own happiness in my selfishness all of those years ago? I don’t know. It’s a might crazy world. But enough about me. How are you? How is your friend? Grieving is hard enough, let alone when it’s an unexpected and shocking loss. I’ve been thinking about you.
I totally just think that you shouldn’t even have to worry about thinking about those feelings again even if it was surreal! Emotions surface at the strangest of times. Thanks for thinking of me, I’m hanging in there.
My heart did a flip when I read this. Not a good flip, but the kind that is followed by a dull ache in the pit of your stomach. I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t easy to see. Affairs are often fueled by the fiery love that can’t be sustained in a marriage that is riddled with every day problems, bills, kids, sickness, etc…This trip might be a good opportunity to face those demons from his past affair and put them behind you once and for all. Thinking of you! Hope you are doing well! (((Hugs)))
Thanks. Weird huh? As I was telling M above, the thing is, I thought I was over that. Truly. It’s been so long and we’ve moved through so much I was just as surprised at the rush of memories. It made for an interesting marriage counseling session for both of us and a personal therapy session for me O.O
Thank you for commenting, I have been thinking of you and your strength on your own journey {{hugs right on back}}
Some wounds never fully heal…and it’s ok if they don’t. The courage is learning to live with those wounds and still thrive in spite of them which you have demonstrated beautifully. Never give someone else your light though, you are too beautiful. You mentioned you weren’t sure if you should stay…if you are staying for dh I am not sure that is best for you. Be strong. I have missed our comments. I am glad you are doing well. And just because it has been awhile…More (((hugs))) 🙂
You certainly handled that with much more grace than I ever could!!! Hugs to you!
LOL. Ok in all fairness, that’s the post I published…*after* the WTF?! rant at home and again in marriage counseling 😉 though I really did calmly hand him the invitation and complimented dh on how good he looked at that moment. {hugs back at you}
Thank you!!! Now, this makes me feel so much better because I KNOW I would have gone off. You’re an extraordinary person — and it is clear to everyone that reads the end of your post!!!!