darling husband

Karma has a wicked sense of humor, one I appreciate. Anything less would be foolish.

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 24 September 14

Posted in: affair, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, musings, random, real life. 14 Comments

I’ve been asked to speak on a panel for a charity that I’ve been involved with for the better part of the last 18’sh years. This would be at their International conference in late 2015. I’m humbled and a bit flummoxed; my contributions have been administrative in nature not monetary and certainly others have been more generous and involved. Nonetheless, I’ve found myself reading the letter over in contemplation. Not yet responding. Why? It isn’t about the charity or the distance I’d need to travel.

I mean, I’ve nothing against Melbourne, it’s a lovely place. Truly. And the Langham is often ranked #1 on many travel sites. However, Melbourne is one of the cities that dh and his long-ago ap traveled together for work and yes, you guessed it, they trysted at the Langham. Eight nights in a five star resort down under. Melbourne is also the destination of which I found the plane tickets tucked into the book he was reading at the time. And the Langham, well it’s their impeccable customer service that sent the disposable camera to our home by way of the lost & found department, because Mr. Smith had accidentally left it in the suite he and his wife had just checked out of. The housekeeper very concerned it may have held some pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Smith together of significance so they turned it into lost and found and they in turn sent it back to the states. There’s nothing like going to Coscto to pick up pictures you were never meant to see.

Granted, that over 12+ years ago now, but it all came flashing back when the official invitation showed up. Why? Ah this is where Karma drops the wicked punchline…

She, yes she, *that* ow, the one dh was madly and passionately in love with has also been invited to be a guest speaker. Yes, of course she has. OMFG yes, yes only in real life can this happen.

I shouldn’t be surprised as she became involved with this charity early on as a way to get to know me. I was naïve at the time & didn’t realize that there was more than just a work friendship developing between dh and her. So when dh asked me to bring her along to one of the monthly volunteer events and introduce her to the President and others, I did. Enthusiastically! *I type with one hand as I slap my forehead with the other*

To her credit, she has remained actively involved in their business development from the country in which she’s lived for the last few years just as I’ve remained involved from the region I live in. The fact that we’re both considered experts in our common area is funny. How can it be anything different?

DH asked if I was going to accept the invitation. I was honest and said I didn’t know. Seeing her name wasn’t what brought it back. It was seeing her picture in the invite, one she must have submitted, of her at the Langham those 13-years, 4-months and 3-days ago (hey, but whose keeping track of that week?). The one of her in her “junior” business suit, looking every bit like the eager 28-year old she was at the time, standing amongst her colleagues near the stairs, one of which was dh. There he was, looking so much younger and his eyes were glued to her, rapt. Shining with love, his face flushed, his posture straight, making him appear even taller than his 6’3″ frame. I held the invitation out for him to see…”You know, it’s a fantastic picture of you hon. ” Because it is. It is a good picture of him, just seeing the love he had for her in that moment, and never seeing that depth of emotion for me, makes me question as to whether or not we are meant to work it out. He was happy in that picture. I want him to be happy again, with me or without me. He deserves to be happy.

rain. rain. rain.

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 24 July 14

Posted in: affair, cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, real life. Tagged: i am the other woman, i was the wife, infidelity, long distance married lovers, marriage counseling, real life musings. 10 Comments

this is the weather out my way today and it makes me deliriously happy. truly. rain is appropriate for any mood when applied with the right perspective.

today is marriage counseling day as well as a day when we have the quarterly check-in with the aba program manager for our son as well as a myriad of his other providers. it’s during these when dh and i are completely in-synch. when it comes to parenting; whether our neuro-typical kidlet #1 or our quirky kidlet #2 we are a team. most of the time i’m the qb and he’s the point-after kicker, it’s just the way it is. that said, we are so good together when it comes to our kids, that he nor I take that lightly. it weighs heavily in our decision making as a team, as a family and whether or not we remain married.

for a variety of reasons related to having a child with special needs; ours is a family that has availed itself of counseling and therapy in that regard. dh has never pushed back or resisted when it comes to our kids. not when our oldest suffered a medical trauma that has had lasting effects and certainly not with our youngest and all of the nuances that comes with therapy, support systems etc. to answer some people’s question around staying/leaving: this is a large reason why neither of us, that’s right, it’s a choice either one of us can make, it’s a big reason neither of us has left. believe it or not, together, as parents we are a good team. we recognize what each of bring to the table in terms of strengths as well as tolerance level for particular activities and or situations.

if dh would have invested and leaned in, as he has as a parent, over the last 13 years when it came to us as a couple i’d like to think we wouldn’t be where we are right now. but we won’t know that, will we? no. he has always resisted and flat out refused to do any work when it came to us, whether together, with counselors, mediators, self-help books etc. steadfast in his determination. even all of those years ago, when his affair with a then colleague turned into a full on love affair and we hired a mediator to form a parenting plan in preparation for a divorce, even then dh refused counseling. of any sort. even as we worked to rebuild our marriage and family when he ultimately decided to stay; counseling to address what got us to his stepping outside of our marriage in the first place was never part of the plan. until D-day 6-months ago.

and then it was suddenly “let’s go to counseling” because in his mind; since counseling is what i had been asking for all of these years if we go to counseling “it” would be fixed. to dh, who is a very good and well-rewarded engineer, he sees our marriage as a project, complete with a gantt chart, deliverables and milestones. if you check off a box then it’s forward on a timeline. but real life isn’t a project plan, gantt chart. especially when you add the complexities of emotions, feelings, childhood histories (and for one of us, sex abuse as a toddler) and a shared, past history into the mix. i recognize counseling is incredibly difficult for dh and it’s selfish of me to not have more patience as he works through understanding and internalizing that emotions are very real and very important to people. to me.

when dh had his affair(s), he was safe in knowing that i didn’t want our marriage to end. but i also had to take ownership of my role in what led him to a relationship outside of our marriage with a colleague that he fell in love with. a big problem is that we never worked on repairing our relationship when he decided to stay in our marriage. instead we let life become the priority and when we had kidlet number 2 everything else but the kids, our careers and our community service took a back seat.

dh never expected me to stray. hell, i never expected it of myself. and now that i know what mutual desire, emotional connection and emotional intimacy is, the question isn’t whether or not i can go back. i can’t. the question is do i move forward with him and we do the heavy lifting together knowing that nothing is guaranteed and it’s a crap shoot. or, do i move forward, alone, and forge ahead.

someone asked if our counselor or my dh knows about this blog. all three therapists (our mutual marriage counselor which dh chose, his therapist and my own therapist) know of this blog and one of them has commented here and there. they all know that i also have a nsfw tumblr and dh knows i have a couple of blogs but only has access, that i know of, to my professional blog, the one i get paid for.

i’m happy because it’s been brutally hot for the greater pacific nw over the last month. unheard of. cold, heavy rain is refreshing to me and while today is going to be a tough day all around. it’s also a good day because it’s a new day of fighting the good fight for our son, together.

for ann st. vincent and smittenwithhim…eek

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 20 July 14

Posted in: darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, posts i write but typically don't post, real life. Tagged: my real life, real life musings. 11 Comments

earlier this month, ann wrote a post pondering boudoir pics and in my comment i stated she should just do it! she wouldn’t regret it! etc. etc. blah blah and then i was stupid enough to say “maybe i’ll post one of mine” and blog about it. oh good lord, why didn’t i just stfu?!

here’s the deal. anyone that’s followed this blog or stumbled upon my tumblr or dear god, knows who i am or reads my every day professional blog; in my professional, platonic personal and philanthropic life, i’m strong, dependable, assertive, etc. the classic a-type overachiever. in my internal dialogue and romantic life i’ve got body image issues related to my weight that i’ve discovered goes back to before i was even a kindergartener.

but, about 4 years ago i started to accept my body for what it is, what it looks like and acknowledge that no matter how physically active i am, very, or how much i diet, my body is what it is. unless of course i’m willing to fork over way too much money to go under the knife. which i am not. even as i began to dress differently, with confidence, less oversize and baggy yet still very much me, my dh couldn’t see beyond what has long been an issue between us, my weight. i believed the words, his words, and instead of curves i just saw rolls of fat. instead of cute freckles i saw uneven spots, instead of soft, natural breasts i saw too large, too soft “more than a mouthful” breasts. until i met him.

before he even undressed me, we were sitting in the restaurant discussing the day. the time between our meeting in the late afternoon before his presentation and the time right in front of us when he said “i like that you’re wearing a red bra.” i blushed, how would he know that, before looking down and realizing that the strap was slightly askew and just this side of the green and white strap of my blouse, therefore peeking out where my sweater had fallen from my shoulder. you have no idea how much that made me moist. why? because for three years leading up to that moment two years ago i was wearing matching bras and panties, in colors, prints and styles in the hopes that my dh would notice. oh sure he noticed. noticed enough to either say: “why do you even bother? lingerie on you doesn’t look good so it doesn’t do anything for me” or “i don’t know why you spend money on matching lingerie. it’s not like i care.” *sigh*

through his eyes i began to believe that maybe, just maybe, i am a plus size gal with curves and not just rolls of fat. maybe the words that others have said to me my entire life, the words that i dismissed as fake flattery or biased because they were my friends might be true.

i wanted my dh to see me. really see me. and so i decided that self-consciousness and self-doubt be damned, i’m going to do a boudoir shoot and present dh with the album for his 50th birthday. it took me a few more months to get the courage up to book the appointment and i toured a few studios in the area. sure that i would back out if i didn’t have a little skin, no pun intended, in the game, i booked sessions at two different studios with very different styles, artistically.

ironically, the pics from the studio that i was the most excited about, that edgier more hip vibe were the ones i liked the least. i wasn’t overly made up but i don’t look comfortable in the poses. and the studio that is more of a bridal studio, where i had a traditional make-up session (i don’t wear make up in general) are the one’s that made me *gasp* and the tear up when i saw them. is that really me? i mean, minus the eye make-up, of course.

and so, i gingerly took the book into my possession and wrapped it up along with the other items selected for dh’s birthday and tucked it away until the big day…

would he like them? i hoped so.

uttered in counseling

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 6 March 14

Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, musings, my choice, posts i write but typically don't post. Tagged: affair, cheating, marriage counseling, musings, real life, words that should have been said a long time ago. 5 Comments

during counseling today i was stunned into silence when the counselor looked at me, then at darling husband, back at me before turning to face darling husband and said “you can’t fault her for finally choosing herself when she has always put you first. always. her choice, whether right or wrong, was still her choice and you chose to ignore her for so long that to raise an objection now is your issue. not hers. we are here to deal with each of these separately as they impact your relationship. but until you can see, not agree, but see things from her perspective, you won’t move forward.” huh…still processing.

applicable

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 21 February 14

Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, married long distance lovers, missing him, mixed bag of emotions, real life. Tagged: cheating, darling husband, married long distance lover, random, real life. 2 Comments

dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”

*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.

on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.

the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.

he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.

is this where i’m at? is this what i want?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 18 February 14

Posted in: cheating, compartmentalization, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, happiness, mixed bag of emotions, my choice, real life. Tagged: cheating, long distance married lovers, real life; darling husband. 3 Comments

perhaps this is what my dh means. i do have a new perspective, i no longer care that he just wants us to go back to they way things have always been. i have a new mindset and i am willing to say that it’s not okay anymore. that we should have a relationship that is full, complete and whole. that i no longer care to continue if he can’t make changes. or perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle…

13.5 hours there and then back

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 18 February 14

Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, my choice, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: darling husband, married long distance lovers, real life. 1 Comment

I gather strength from the bloggers I follow here. They are amazing people going through their own journey’s and putting themselves out there for all to see.

Darling husband is understandably angry, and yet, cannot understand my desires, or wants or needs. I am heartbroken. I should be heartbroken at the state of dh and me. But I am not. The hard conversations that we are having are one’s that we should have had years ago. We should have addressed way back then. Instead, I have some residual anger that it took this, my own duplicity, my relationship with “him” to have darling husband take stock. DH wants us to go back to the way it was before him, but how can that be?

He, to be so close to our reunion after 22-weeks and then to turn around and barely make a flight home. To not know if he is going to delve into self-protection mode as I fully expect leaves me saddened. My husband got his “goodbye” and his closure twelve years ago when he ended his affair with “the one that got away”…will I get mine? So many things tumbling about my head. My heart.

where did the week go?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 February 14

Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, haters, longing, married long distance lovers, my choice, real life. Tagged: caught, cheating; lomg distance married lovers, missing him, real life.

“where have you been?” “is everything okay?” “thinking of you” are just a few examples of the unexpected and thoughtful messages that started hitting my inbox the other day. fellow bloggers, yes, most ow, that I’ve been following, commenting on their posts, liking their posts etc.

what can i say other than i have indeed been absent. not intentionally but deliberately. last friday my darling husband, the man i have been tethered to for the past 25-years, asked me if i was involved with someone outside of our marriage. to say that i was shocked and scared is not quite adequate. shocked because i have long maintained, in my weekly sessions with my therapist, that if anything, should said husband discover my affair, he would either: not care, not notice and or be relieved. scared because as much as it may be hard to believe, i cannot lie when asked a question outright. of course i admitted that yes, i was (am?) indeed involved in a long distance, primarily “virtual” relationship. i wasn’t scared about the status of our relationship, no, i was afraid of the end of my relationship with “him”. while my dh is not a punitive or vengeful person, i am afraid that he may reach out to him and or his bride to confront him. that cannot happen. while my absence from all things social, was not intentional, the step back and silence has been deliberate. the separation from my blogging has been the most painful of all as i receive so much solace and education from the blogs i follow.

dh’s reaction has run the spectrum of anger, sadness and shock. anger and shock i expected. sadness i did not. this has never been about me leaving him for another. nor has it been about wielding a “you’ve had two affairs in the past and this is my turn” stick. the sadness, the hurt is hard for me to swallow (wait for it, yes i expect the haters to come out in full force now) because i question whether or not it’s genuine. is he genuinely sad that we might be ending? or is it his ego that can’t believe that the woman who he has always known and said “mckenzie will love me forever. she has always loved me more than i have ever loved her. she’s lucky a man like me remains married to an overweight and unattractive woman like her” etc.

he asked if i loved him. of course i lied and said no. no good can come of revealing that i am emotionally attached to him and that the physical side of our affair, as rare as those moments are, are the most emotionally satisfying and fulfilling of my life.

why is it that after all of these years, specifically the last four in which i begged, asked, pleaded with him to “say something” , to meet me in the middle, to consider counseling or seeing a doctor, why now? when i am so emotionally divorced that he suddenly has an epiphany and says that i should have known that he loves me, deep down and all of those hurtful words, his past affairs and his lack of interest in me sexually, is “just his way” and that my feelings and my desires should take a back seat to the last 25 years we have shared.

now, now he is willing to see a counselor. not to fix “us” but to support me in my quest to fix myself so we can go back to the way it was. the way it should be. the way he wants it to be again. my heart broke as i avoided “him” most of friday until i was safely away in my office and could log on and let him know what happened. i held my breath as i waited for him to say “goodbye” his self preservation kicking into high gear. and i cried, for the first time on friday when he asked what could he do and said “i can’t just walk away mckenzie. maybe before. and maybe i should. it’s always been my rule. but you have forced me to rethink those rules from the moment we met. this is no exception.”

darling husband and i have been talking. spending time trying to find common ground in what it is we want out of a marriage/relationship whether with or without one another. i know i want and need more. it isn’t about him. it is about me. and so we journey forward. i am not trusting his demeanor or his assertions that his way is the way it needs to be. i am giving the counseling a chance since i have wanted it for years. only now, i want to be able to take this next step either with dh or without him in a better space. dh has asked me to end it with my internet friend by the end of the month. i asked him “or what?” and he merely shook his head and replied “well since you yourself have said it’s not a mean to be relationship. eventually you will realize i am the best you will ever have”

rambling on and sad. missing him. our communications limited to a few minutes online over the last few days. but i know this is a leg of the journey i am taking on my own.

the weakness in me

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 1 February 14

Posted in: compartmentalization, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, longing, real life. Tagged: long distance married lovers, loving a husband that doesn't want me in that way, music that resonates, random. 2 Comments

the first time i heard this song was in the movie “10 things i hate about you” way back in 1999. back then, my oldest was not yet two and the group of gals i worked with at the time would go out and watch the latest teen movies because we still loved them even though we were well past our high school and even collegiate years 😉

i digress. when i heard this in the movie i remember the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and i started crying. it was if i knew then, that the feelings of want and desire and ache were not just in my head that i have those feelings and i wanted my husband to want me. crave me. desire me. it was only two years later that i discovered he could indeed have those feelings. that he had them. but not for me. for her. the other woman who rocked my world. that pushed me from my self-righteous pedestal to the beginning of rethinking my black and white thinking and the gradual realization that life is indeed messy and very few things are actually black and white. ever.

i hadn’t heard this song in a very long time. and then one day, on a whim, i selected a playlist on my mp3 player because i couldn’t remember what was on it. this time, when i heard joan’s voice the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and once again, i started to cry. not because i wanted those feelings or wanted someone to have those feelings for me. but because i realized that when i experienced him having those feelings of desire and want for me, i knew that regardless of how he and i end up, i will have to face dh and have that conversation yet again. only this time, this time i know that what i’m seeking and asking of him isn’t out of the realm of possibility for me. it just might not be with dh.

I’ve been silent for a while. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say. I miss him desperately, and the holidays don’t help, because he is genuinely a family man. The traditions of the holidays (American holidays for those that follow from outside of the U.S.) are core to who he is and how he and his bride have raised their children.

To those of you that sit in judgment, I completely understand, your doubts and your judgment. Really I do, remember, until the spring of 2012, I was the wife. I am still a wife. But you know what I mean, I was one of those self-righteous, indignant people that could throw rocks and sit in judgment. And yes, at his foundation, while he is a serial cheater, he is a family man. A very involved and good father. One that not only provides for his family, but extended family and friends. And because of that, he goes dark around the holidays…from the week before Thanksgiving until Christmas he is pulled in some many directions, just as I am and while I know it, and I know he’s thinking of me, it doesn’t make it any easier.

After last Thanksgiving/Christmas-I have found that if I stay away from all social media and the places on the Internet we frequent together (Tumblr, Skype, GChat, Gmail etc.) while it doesn’t hurt less, I am less likely to dwell on our lack of contact. This year has proven to be challenging which is problematic given it’s only the day after Thanksgiving.

The Holidays have always been a big deal to me, the connection, the sentiments, the music, the movies…all of it. And this year, this year I am finding it even more of an emotional pull on me than before. Is it because I am another year older? Perhaps. Is it because I am going through these unknown medical challenges with a surgery pending? Maybe. I think it’s because I love him. And while I understand that we are not able to spend any of this time together, in real life, I long to. I long to shop for the perfect gift for him. To wrap myself around his body and feel safe, sexy, content. I yearn to tell him how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. With no expectation.

is me is really me

random. raw. real. ok, mebbe not so random.