affair

Karma has a wicked sense of humor, one I appreciate. Anything less would be foolish.

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 24 September 14
Posted in: affair, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, musings, random, real life. 14 Comments

hero-about-overview-1680-732

I’ve been asked to speak on a panel for a charity that I’ve been involved with for the better part of the last 18’sh years. This would be at their International conference in late 2015. I’m humbled and a bit flummoxed; my contributions have been administrative in nature not monetary and certainly others have been more generous and involved. Nonetheless, I’ve found myself reading the letter over in contemplation. Not yet responding. Why? It isn’t about the charity or the distance I’d need to travel.

I mean, I’ve nothing against Melbourne, it’s a lovely place. Truly. And the Langham is often ranked #1 on many travel sites. However, Melbourne is one of the cities that dh and his long-ago ap traveled together for work and yes, you guessed it, they trysted at the Langham. Eight nights in a five star resort down under. Melbourne is also the destination of which I found the plane tickets tucked into the book he was reading at the time. And the Langham, well it’s their impeccable customer service that sent the disposable camera to our home by way of the lost & found department, because Mr. Smith had accidentally left it in the suite he and his wife had just checked out of. The housekeeper very concerned it may have held some pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Smith together of significance so they turned it into lost and found and they in turn sent it back to the states. There’s nothing like going to Coscto to pick up pictures you were never meant to see.

Granted, that over 12+ years ago now, but it all came flashing back when the official invitation showed up. Why? Ah this is where Karma drops the wicked punchline…

She, yes she, *that* ow, the one dh was madly and passionately in love with has also been invited to be a guest speaker. Yes, of course she has. OMFG yes, yes only in real life can this happen.

I shouldn’t be surprised as she became involved with this charity early on as a way to get to know me. I was naïve at the time & didn’t realize that there was more than just a work friendship developing between dh and her. So when dh asked me to bring her along to one of the monthly volunteer events and introduce her to the President and others, I did. Enthusiastically! *I type with one hand as I slap my forehead with the other*

To her credit, she has remained actively involved in their business development from the country in which she’s lived for the last few years just as I’ve remained involved from the region I live in. The fact that we’re both considered experts in our common area is funny. How can it be anything different?

DH asked if I was going to accept the invitation. I was honest and said I didn’t know. Seeing her name wasn’t what brought it back. It was seeing her picture in the invite, one she must have submitted, of her at the Langham those 13-years, 4-months and 3-days ago (hey, but whose keeping track of that week?). The one of her in her “junior” business suit, looking every bit like the eager 28-year old she was at the time, standing amongst her colleagues near the stairs, one of which was dh. There he was, looking so much younger and his eyes were glued to her, rapt. Shining with love, his face flushed, his posture straight, making him appear even taller than his 6’3″ frame. I held the invitation out for him to see…”You know, it’s a fantastic picture of you hon. ” Because it is. It is a good picture of him, just seeing the love he had for her in that moment, and never seeing that depth of emotion for me, makes me question as to whether or not we are meant to work it out. He was happy in that picture. I want him to be happy again, with me or without me. He deserves to be happy.

musings fueled by post-surgery meds (a.k.a. random at best)

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 30 August 14
Posted in: affair, musings, random, real life. Tagged: , , , . 7 Comments

i’m not a fan of medication, it’s the control freak in me but it really does suck to be allergic to anesthesia and the subsequent anti-nausea meds that only make matters worse. of course, as I’ve gotten older, my inner ear issues and motion sickness has only gotten more sensitive if you will. I can’t even get on a plane without having to take Dramamine at least an hour before boarding. overseas flights are a bugger…

I digress, as usual. Yesterday’s surgery went as expected. I think. Because I get so violently ill in the recovery process, my post surgery “conversation” with the docs is always scheduled a few days later. after the nausea and spinning stops. this time though, I finally acquiesced and filled the prescription for mild non addictive pain medication. in the hopes i can sleep as my friend, Insomnia, has been on an extended visit. the problem with any medication for me, especially those that alter my mind or leave me feeling out of control; is that I am compelled to write, communicate, reach out. basically word vomit with very little filters. I cry a lot too.

a favorite “mood” song for me is by  joan armatrading  “weakness in me” I remember hearing it years ago buried in the sound track of a movie. in looking for more of her music, I stumbled upon “love by you”

i’ll leave you with it then.

drafts folder (post 3) “yes. if you insist but only his

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 August 14
Posted in: affair, cheating, haters, long distance affair, posts i write but typically don't post. Tagged: , , , . 8 Comments

originally posted to drafts folder 3 July 2014 (in a moment of my own snarkiness)

his slut

 

for the anonymous and not so anonymous people that have messaged me in order to call me slut, cunt, whore, skank et al. if you insist. but to be clear, only his

drafts folder…post 2

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 August 14
Posted in: affair, married long distance lovers, musings, mutual admiration society of 2, posts i write but typically don't post, real life. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

posted to drafts folder march 1, 2014

blank_lovers-holding-hands-in-showerthe sound of the driving rain against my office window reminded me of the way the water hits the shower door. As if begging for our attention as you kiss me, leaving me breathless and thirsting for more.

it’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since we’ve been together in those moments before we part yet again. I realize that last year, was a unique year for the two of us with travel schedules that synched up more often than not. this year, well now this year is different for an entirely different reason. isn’t it?

and yet, it doesn’t make me miss you any less. it doesn’t make me not long for the sound of the water…no. if anything the longing permeates throughout my being

rain. rain. rain.

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 24 July 14
Posted in: affair, cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, real life. Tagged: , , , , , . 10 Comments

this is the weather out my way today and it makes me deliriously happy. truly. rain is appropriate for any mood when applied with the right perspective.

rain WP_20140723_002_bw

today is marriage counseling day as well as a day when we have the quarterly check-in with the aba program manager for our son as well as a myriad of his other providers. it’s during these when dh and i are completely in-synch. when it comes to parenting; whether our neuro-typical kidlet #1 or our quirky kidlet #2 we are a team. most of the time i’m the qb and he’s the point-after kicker, it’s just the way it is. that said, we are so good together when it comes to our kids, that he nor I take that lightly. it weighs heavily in our decision making as a team, as a family and whether or not we remain married.

for a variety of reasons related to having a child with special needs; ours is a family that has availed itself of counseling and therapy in that regard. dh has never pushed back or resisted when it comes to our kids. not when our oldest suffered a medical trauma that has had lasting effects and certainly not with our youngest and all of the nuances that comes with therapy, support systems etc. to answer some people’s question around staying/leaving: this is a large reason why neither of us, that’s right, it’s a choice either one of us can make, it’s a big reason neither of us has left. believe it or not, together, as parents we are a good team. we recognize what each of bring to the table in terms of strengths as well as tolerance level for particular activities and or situations.

if dh would have invested and leaned in, as he has  as a parent, over the last 13 years when it came to us as a couple i’d like to think we wouldn’t be where we are right now. but we won’t know that, will we? no. he has always resisted and flat out refused to do any work when it came to us, whether together, with counselors, mediators, self-help books etc. steadfast in his determination. even all of those years ago,  when his affair with a then colleague turned into a full on love affair and we hired a mediator to form a parenting plan in preparation for a divorce, even then dh refused counseling. of any sort. even as we worked to rebuild our marriage and family when he ultimately decided to stay;  counseling to address what got us to his stepping outside of our marriage in the first place was never part of the plan.  until D-day 6-months ago.

and then it was suddenly “let’s go to counseling” because in his mind; since  counseling is what i had been asking for all of these years if we go to counseling “it” would be fixed. to dh, who is a very good and well-rewarded engineer, he sees our marriage as a project, complete with a gantt chart, deliverables and milestones. if you check off a box then it’s forward on a timeline. but real life isn’t a project plan, gantt chart.  especially when you add the complexities of emotions, feelings, childhood histories (and for one of us, sex abuse as a toddler)  and a shared, past history into the mix. i recognize counseling is incredibly difficult for dh and it’s selfish of me to not have more patience as he works through understanding and internalizing that emotions are very real and very important to people. to me.

when dh had his affair(s), he was safe in knowing that i didn’t want our marriage to end. but i also had to take ownership of my role in  what led him to a relationship outside of our marriage with a colleague that he fell in love with. a big problem is that we never worked on repairing our relationship when he decided to stay in our marriage. instead we let life become the priority and when we had kidlet number 2 everything else but the kids, our careers and our community service took a back seat.

dh never expected me to stray. hell, i never expected it of myself. and now that i know what mutual desire, emotional connection and emotional intimacy is, the question isn’t whether or not i can go back. i can’t. the question is do i move forward with him and we do the heavy lifting together knowing that nothing is guaranteed and it’s a crap shoot. or, do i move forward, alone, and forge ahead.

someone asked if our counselor or my dh knows about this blog. all three therapists (our mutual marriage counselor which dh chose, his therapist and my own therapist) know of this blog and one of them has commented here and there. they all know that i also have a nsfw tumblr and dh knows i have a couple of blogs but only has access, that i know of, to my professional blog, the one i get paid for.

i’m happy because it’s been brutally hot for the greater pacific nw over the last month. unheard of. cold, heavy rain is refreshing to me and while today is going to be a tough day all around. it’s also a good day because it’s a new day of fighting the good fight for our son, together.

not so random music post

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 11 July 14
Posted in: affair, long distance affair, married long distance lovers, missing him, will never be mine, words that resonate. 2 Comments

in the middle of writing three separate posts as follow-up to comments on ms. vincent, thewomaninvisible and foreverdreamingof love’s respective blogs i heard richard marx’s interview on a local radio station out this way and i admit hearing him talk not about his new album but about his process, where he is in his life and decisions he’s made got me thinking. to be clear, the station he was on doesn’t typically play his music and they were smart enough to do their research on him and come away with questions that revealed a lot about what he’s been up to (way more than i ever would have known re: writing, producing, etc.).

curious, i went to listen to some of the songs on his new album and after the first song i bought it outright. i can’t and won’t speak to any one’s personal music choices etc but i will say that it resonates for me. deeply. specifically tracks:

  • whatever we started
  • suddenly
  • beautiful goodbye

i found the official you-tube video for whatever we started.

different filters

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 26 June 14
Posted in: affair, cheating, emotional intelligence and relationships, real life. Tagged: , , , , , . 2 Comments

I swear I did *not* go searching for this article, it was served up to my feed on the homepage I use at work. the article in of itself isn’t earth shattering per se, but rather the perspective one doesn’t hear often unless you are a dedicated reader of dan savage and other columnists with a more diverse, and open foundation.

Additionally, Kat, a blogger I’ve been following for a while over on BlogSpot recently posted her thoughts on sexual fidelity (here) from the perspective of being in a long-term (25+ years) marriage and both articles came up in our most recent counseling session. (that post forthcoming).

blank_lovers_by_spokojnysen

 

Jenny Glick for YourTango.com

It sounds crazy that an affair could actually strengthen a marriage. And yet, for those of us who work in therapy, what we see is that couples who do the work after an affair is disclosed often describe having a relationship that is even better than before. Impossible? Not really.

In American culture, affairs are the most taboo choices that a spouse can make while married. It is quite common to hear the unmarried and married alike say, “If my husband cheated on me? I’d leave him! Period!” or “I’d never tolerate an affair. Our relationship would be over!”

Until it happens to you. Can your marriage survive an affair? When an affair comes to light and your entire life, your family, your children, your standard of living, and the person you have loved all stand in the balance — it often does not seem as cut and dry.

If you have a quality therapist, that person probably will not just focus on the affair itself. She will help you and your partner untangle the, often, years of emotional distance, unresolved hurt, sexual tepidness, and complacency that almost always accompany an affair. During this process the “whose to blame?” question gets thrown around a lot but the truth is that in marriages it is not a 50/50 agreement. In a healthy marriage, each partner is 100% accountable for their actions, behaviors, tone, and emotional engagement in a relationship. If the marriage is not satisfying what you want, where are YOU accountable? Tough questions, especially if your partner is the one who cheated on you.

And yet, like most tough questions, it is the question that gets to the underbelly of the issue. I am not saying that a spouse can cause an affair, but I am saying that both parties contribute to creating an environment that sprouts and can sustain an affair.

Often, the person that acts out and has the affair is communicating something loud and clear that their partner has not been able to hear prior:

  • I am very unhappy in this relationship.
  • I am tired of being ignored.
  • I cannot go on living like this.
  • I am incredibly hurt and want someone to see and love me.
  • I am willing to take a major risk in order to get my needs met.

Almost always, prior to an affair happening, some of these statements have been made aloud. There have been discussions (or arguments) about how one or both people have been dissatisfied in the marriage. Almost always, if each partner were to get quiet and feel back to before the affair, they can see signs of where and how the relationship was breaking down— but you didn’t think your partner would ever cheat.

The statistics are somewhere between 30% and 70% of married people have affairs (texting, chatting, or sleeping with someone who is not their spouse) in America. We can pass judgment or we can see this as an indicator of an epidemic of marital breakdown that is sweeping the country. It is a call for help to find effective ways to revitalize and heal our marriages.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com

a brief reprieve

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 19 June 14
Posted in: affair, cheating, emotional intelligence and relationships, happiness, hello lover, long distance affair, married long distance lovers, mutual admiration society of 2, my choice, real life, sex sex sex, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , . 9 Comments

some of the best moments in lifei looked up and suddenly he was here. right in front of me. in. real. life. and yet again, as my breath caught in my throat and i look into his cerulean blue eyes i found myself at a loss for words.

still. even now. every first time. and when he smiles and the blush reaches his eyes as they darken with lust. my heart beats faster and the moisture pools in my panties.

after we were led to the suite by the proprietor and the door shut behind him. i launched myself at him. standing on my tip toes to wrap my arms around his neck as he leans down and engulfs me in his arms. holding me still against him, knowing that in the moment, right then and there, things would be alright.

and then there was that moment. that nanosecond just before our lips meet. again. for the first time. after months apart. the three thousand + miles that separate us, among other things, fades as his hands; strong, firm yet gentle become urgent against my skin and my body responds without hesitation.