words that resonate
That is what these last few weeks have felt like. Moving one way only to be pulled under and turned around, trying to find the balance between all of the every day commitments in one’s personal life and professional life and the time necessary to reflect, take a breath and frankly, rest. Rest the brain. Rest the heart. Rest the body. Rest the soul. Because you have to get up each and every day and work, hard, very hard, literally and figuratively because you are not an island. You are part of an eco-system and that eco-system has dependencies on you. And when you’ve let that eco-system down, you have to get back up and try. Harder.
I can feel myself withdrawing, putting up walls to protect my heart with the realization that the ache of loneliness has returned with a vengeance. Lack of communication and connection leaves me without a safe haven to be vulnerable-each therapist and counselor has said so and yet DH continues to dig in his heels. And yes, he has every right to be, he can only work through his own feelings and emotions at his own pace. And so, DH and I continue in this stalemate. As civil and companionable as it is, it is just that. A stalemate. Not sure how to shake loose, if even to get us moving again, one way of another. Direction is relative, as long as you’re looking forward.
The other day, Ann St Vincent, wrote about how one word can deflate one’s balloon so to speak. You can read the post here. And then in the same timeframe, several other bloggers had posts filled with anxiety, writing about triggers that can bring out anxiety, reminders of old feelings or needs to be validated. One comment on ASV’s post got me thinking, they asked her “Why do you crave assurance so much?” Ann was honest in her response: “I don’t know”
We all have triggers, things that we are learning about ourselves as we continue on this roller coaster ride we call life. In reading all of ASV’s posts and those of others, we can all be very self-aware of what it is we need, what we *think* we need and what we believe to be true. And yet, all of the self-awareness doesn’t always prepare you for that word, that trigger that can come out of nowhere, sending you back to that moment or that feeling that took over your being at that moment.
For some, it’s buried deep and may never seek release. For others, it’s never far, lurking just beneath the mask or façade that they need to wear everyday to get through. Now, I haven’t met ASV in person (yet) but I know myself and my own insecurities well enough to know that when I finally get to share in that bottle or bottles of Prosecco with her and Lady M, *I* am the one that will be in awe of these two strong, sexy, intelligent women. Both happen to be much taller than my 5’2″ and I know for a fact, I am “bigger” than both 🙂
Okay. Maybe it isn’t a new word for many of you. But for me, it is a word with a lot of meaning. The meaning of which can either inspire a person or paralyze them. Of course, it depends on which aspect of one’s life one is thinking about. It could be many, it can apply to just one segment.
easier said, than done.
is me is really me 