for a fellow blogger

@beautflstranger …

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 31 July 15
Posted in: at beautflstranger at tumblr, for a fellow blogger, real life. 4 Comments

effort

Admittedly when I started posting items from my drafts folder a couple of weeks ago, I thought life was slowing down a bit. at home, in life and at work. silly, silly, IsMe. Unexpected changes at work has left me feeling as if I’ve jumped from the hamster wheel to the full on Tilt-O-Whirl of old. It’s actually all good just so much convergence at once. So many more posts started and sitting in the weeds of the drafts folder. But, while I haven’t had the time to engage or post, I have tried to lurk about and read those of you I follow at least once a week. Blog bingeing instead of Netflix bingeing is more my jam these days. Even if I’m not commenting, I am trying to stay as current as possible.

As many of you know, I consider Lady M, aka known as Madeline, a terrific writer, painfully honest, slightly crazy and courageously complicated. And I follow her posts religiously for many of the reasons stated above but also because we are very similar in many ways, and not in a lot of others. When she posts of her confusion, her hurt, her heart and her wants it’s as if she is speaking a language only some of us understand. The most recent posts of the last two weeks in particular,  have me wanting to ruminate and reach out, if only I had the time. She’s been asking a lot of questions in her posts-writing out loud if you will- no judgment people, she’s been contemplating love, lust, desire, priorities and what is assumed, what is deserved and what is real. The challenge to all of those of course is it is indeed complicated.

I don’t have a lot of time right now, sneaking this in between interviews, but I wanted to share the words of my favorite, @beautflstranger from Tumblr. Because I believe that the relationship M has with Bobby is multi-layered but one that is indeed mired in a friendship. and sometimes, what you seek is in that friendship more than you know. and you have to nurture that, with no expectations of anything in return. and that, is when you find the answers you seek. when you least expect it. M, I promise when I have some alone time I will finish that email to you. I will. It’s important you get the context to why I write as I do. My end game isn’t much different, just within the parameters of what he and I have available to us. No, it isn’t easy, and yes, I made many mistakes with my emotions and insecurities early on. What I realized is that I am who I am. I am expressive even without speaking and while I didn’t verbalize my feelings, it was readily apparent in my actions and in my being completely vulnerable in a way that I’ve never been before. Eyes wide open and yes, I had to get to a space where I had to decide whether or not the rare moments together, the not being a priority, facing insecurities alone outweighs where I felt at “home”, the most me I’ve ever been, loved, accepted and visible. It’s still not easy. I don’t know when we’ll have a moment again. My heart aches, especially when we don’t connect much due to the current state of life, and yet, to my core, I know that I love someone in a way I didn’t know possible. Even if I don’t have a moment with him ever again. And that’s a gift. The fact of the matter is I have been in love with him far longer than he has ever expressed any emotions for me other than those Bobby has expressed for you. And, truth be told, I am sure I will love him even longer. {{hugs}}

I’ll miss your voice Complicit Grace…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 8 December 14
Posted in: for a fellow blogger, real life.

Complicit Grace_Goodbye

Blogging is a funny thing and it’s most definitely a personal thing. It’s not uncommon to find a blog, a voice that resonates and you follow them, reach out and connect. Some bloggers are prolific, committed, dedicated. Posting at least once a day. Others are consistent in some manner and then there are others that are consistently inconsistent. Unless blogging is the source of someone’s income, some bloggers take a break or go on hiatus and some decide that it’s time to move onward from whatever it was that motivated them to begin blogging in the first place. Sometimes we get a heads up or a farewell post, but more often than not, folks have to go, for whatever reason.

Such is the case with Complicit Grace. A blogger I started to follow before I started this blog. A fellow former HR executive on a journey with many side trips. A woman finding her voice and what a powerful voice it is. Honest, genuine, vulnerable and strong. I don’t know if she’s still lurking and reading through everyone’s blogs or if she is completely detaching from the inter-webs for a while. I can only say that I hope she has found the strength required to move forward, that she’s been able to run like the wind in throughout the Portland area, that she’s found peace but more importantly that she is okay. I am going to miss her. Truly.

Ruminating on a fellow Blogger’s recent post…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 19 November 14
Posted in: for a fellow blogger, musings, random real life, real life, words that resonate. 6 Comments

 

 

I haven’t been posting much as of late; a combination of many things including but not limited to;

  • new career is kicking my ass (and it’s a fat ass at that) and I don’t have the same free time or mental wherewithal to write as I wish to
  • it’s the homestretch for kidlet #1 and guiding her through the college application process, the last of the standardized tests and senior requirements feels like a full-time job in of it self
  • there are so many more talented writers out there so I’ve been reading, lurking and commenting here and there

However, one of my favorite bloggers, Ann St. Vincent, recently posted a clarification post after a particularly difficult day in which she felt she needed to apologize for her thoughts and feelings and posting honestly, as honest as one chooses to be, on her own blog. She also went on to state that she isn’t infallible. Well duh, that’s just one of the reason’s I really enjoy her writing. She is who she is, I have never felt judged by her, even when we have disagreed or have a difference of opinion.

I find her unabashed intelligence and keen sense of humor compelling but it’s her human frailty and her willingness to post real and raw moments and feelings that draws me back. In one moment, she is very clear that she wants to continue on her path of sexual discovery and freedom whilst not being willing to share her lover. That is real people. She doesn’t apologize for wanting it all as much as she questions herself on her own motivations and desires.

She expressed sadness that she may have lost some followers due to her words not ringing true or perhaps because she offended them. Unintentionally. I admire her for caring, for wanting to provide clarity even if she doesn’t need to. So when I ran across this lost word, latibule, earlier this evening. I thought of her and her safe place. Her writings, her online journal, which she has chosen to share with us.

Thank you Ann, your latibule is just that. Yours.

latibule bw

An observation

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 4 November 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, for a fellow blogger, musings, random real life. 8 Comments

courage dear heart bwThere’s been a bit of hovering these past several days, the freedom to post limited by  a multitude of factors. But what I’ve noticed in so many is a recurring theme. Of moving onward, forward in the various journey’s that I follow.

Some are making deliberate choices to forge ahead, even leaving their blogs as a way to move forward. Others are taking tentative steps, some painful, some resigned and yet others unfettered in a way they haven’t been in years.

And a small few are struggling mightily, for a multitude of reasons to make any moves at all. And yet, each are determined to persevere, to stretch and grow. I find each of them inspiring in their own way. Brave with courage in their hearts.

It can’t be the same forever

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 26 October 14
Posted in: for a fellow blogger, real life, update. 4 Comments

so much for posting from a new mobile app. apologies, I didn’t realize the post itself never loaded, only the picture I had selected to go along with the post. It wasn’t until I read a couple of the comments that I realized something was wrong because a comment seemed out of context to the content. *I type as I slap my forehead* . Curiosity got the best of me and of course, I accessed my blog via my smartphone only to not see the post I’d endeavored over…???????????????

Going into my drafts folder via my laptop, I find the post intended to accompany the picture. *sigh* and so, here is why I was selected the image to accompany the post.

Earlier this past spring, I blogged the passing of my very close friend, Manny which was unexpected and made even more difficult by the circumstances in which Manny died. (the full post can be found HERE)

In the almost six months since his passing/that post, I’ve received numerous private messages asking about Susie and the family but more importantly asking about young Bea, the 16-year old that accidentally hit her uncle Manny on a bright sunny day just a few weeks after she got her license.

I’d love to be able to say that everything is ok and back to normal but that would be a lie. What I can say is that things have been moving forward for everyone involved, with some very small steps forward and many steps back. There is a new normal that seems to have moved into place for Susie and her family as well as for Bea and her own family. The not so good, Bea can’t seem to forgive herself and of course, as expected, driving is not something she is even remotely interested in doing. All families have been going to support groups, therapies and spending low key quality time together. Bea may never drive again, we all respect her wishes and she has a great therapist that she’s been working with. As you could expect with teenagers, especially those of the female persuasion that have raging hormones to contend with as well; Bea and her “cousins”, Manny’s children, struggle to find a way to move forward on some days. Most days are ok, some days are great and yes, some are downright brutal. We are all holding our collective breaths as the holiday season begins out here. Halloween kicks it off, especially for Manny and Scotty’s families. Bea is Scotty’s daughter. The two families only live within  four blocks of one another and Halloween was planned and celebrated between both families a la Modern Family style. All. Out. and then there is U.S. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas etc.

This season is the first without Manny, for all of us, but most especially for Susie and the kids and for Bea. We can only rally around all of them as Manny would expect us to do. Everything will be alright but everything will not stay the same.

and so another villain falls…

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 5 July 14
Posted in: for a fellow blogger, haters, musings, real life, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , . 8 Comments

at the start of this month, Rougedmount had posted about the silencing of Unloving You. the post was well written, spot on and made me unbelievably sad for many reasons. yesterday, for the first time in weeks, i had the chance to start to catch up on reading the blogs i follow the most, maybe even comment here and there, and after reading said post i decided to go through the “blogs i follow” list to clean it up so to speak. granted, there were a few i knew had signed-off for good, and i needed to remove them from the list, as well as a few that have gone dark but the blog was still “alive” and not deleted by the blogger. if it’s a blogger that i’ve taken an interest in and or hope they find their voice again, i’ll keep them on the list until the next review.

matterstogrey_bw

so i was saddened to find that another blogger seems to have fallen prey to the same fate as Unloving You. Grey Matters Tales of a Proper Villain. His blog no longer exists. and we have lost yet another talented writer, with a depth for capturing the complexities of every day real life and the very human emotions and feelings of love, lust, longing, anger, heartbreak. all of it. he also displayed a wicked sense of humor and the arrogance to know what he was good at and the all too human frailty of falling in love with the right person at the wrong time. he too has had blogging haters, trolls continually post in his comments or even attempt to engage attack and vilify him when he’s left a comment on one of my posts.

i don’t know if he’s gone completely as i hope he’s lurking in the interwebs, cultivating his next alter-ego/pseudonym in order to launch his new and improved venue for his musings. and if you are out there, i hope to stumble upon your gifts again.