in one of my previous careers, i was the only woman on a testosterone laden sales team for one of the professional sports teams in our city. these guys were my colleagues, my competitors, my harshest critics (with the exception of my mother), my biggest advocates and my big brothers. they pushed me to embrace my natural competitive side, to be comfortable in my own skin, professionally, and they, as patiently as they could muster, taught me to golf.
ok, so they had to, because we kept getting entered into local, charitable golf tournaments and they had to have at least one woman in the foursome. lol the four of us, the “core”, were a clique. there is no other way to describe it. as the team improved, the sales team needed to grow. we welcomed new members but admittedly at arms length. we were the four musketeers.
as we grew up, got married, moved out of the entertainment industry, and to be clear, professional sports *is* entertainment, we drifted apart as one would expect when life takes all of us in different directions. we share the usual holiday cards and are all connected via the typical social media sites. and for a couple of us, with kids that are roughly the same age, we would cross paths at sporting events, school competitions etc.
three of us have law degrees but never practiced. of the three, one of us maintains certification and is licensed to practice in three states. all four of us remain married to the people we met and or were dating when the four of us were a team. one moved into a lifelong career in the non-profit world where he is considered an expert in the work the foundation he is the director of does. another dove headlong into the “old school” corporate world along side his corporate attorney wife and they are definitely a power couple in the world of philanthropy and the arts. two of us eventually ended up at the same global company on the same corporate campus several buildings apart.
our lives have intertwined, intersected and run in parallel for almost 25-years. the good. the bad. even the scandalous (and no, not me!) and the great. but for the first time, death has taken one of us. for good.
it’s not just devastating for the usual reasons but because of the four of us, Manny was the youngest, the most physically fit, the most gifted in all aspects of the word. he was kind, he was bold, he was generous in spirit and heart. he loved his family and his extended family. his generosity knew no bounds. he was the one i called, my favorite big brother. we would laugh until late into the night or pull harmless office pranks with and the one that understood and joined in when i first started volunteering at the homeless shelter for youth way back when. and when he started dating Susie, he made sure we knew that she was the one. and that while we were still a foursome, Susie was his number one. They were married just after we had all moved on from the “team” . It was clearly a match made in heaven. that isn’t to say it was perfect and that there weren’t times the three of us wondered if they would make it for the long haul, but we also knew that if any of the four of us would make it for the long haul, Manny and Susie would.
Seeing her yesterday afternoon, when we gathered at the hospital as soon as the calls started making their way through our various networks, made me think of the day he told us he was going to propose and asked us to help him make it a grand gesture. or the day he told us that we were going to be an auntie and uncles and the day we watched him hold her when they told us our nephew wouldn’t be joining this world after all. Manny was accidentally hit by a car as he was walking from the bus stop to his home after work Monday night. A car driven by a young new driver, a driver who has only had their license for three weeks. A driver who happens to be the oldest daughter of one of us. A “niece” to him and Susie, a cousin to their kids, our kids. An accident. She wasn’t texting, believe it or not, she doesn’t have a cell phone. the police said that speed, drugs or alcohol weren’t involved. it’s been ruled an accident. possibly caused by the sun shining in her eyes as Manny and two others stepped from the bus into the crosswalk.
We are all devastated and two families are shattered in ways that many would think only happens in a bad tv movie. Who knows what’s yet to come. For now, we remaining three are planning Manny’s wake while at the same time, being supportive of the one whose daughter’s life has been changed forever.
couldn’t help myself. a colleague sent this to a group of her law school friends for friday funnies. a bunch of us asked her to forward it to us as well. *smirk*
connection is important to me. in all aspects of my life. our marriage counselor caught on early and has had to redirect dh a few times when it comes to lack of connection or emotional detachment on his end…when we had to have a hard conversation about *him* and the connection, she did a good job of facilitating as it wasn’t to hurt dh but to explain how and why and why it’s so critical. dh struggled as he admits he just doesn’t understand nor does he get that connection has always been important to me but that for many of our 25+ years, i went without for a myriad of reasons, one of which was not wanting to ask anymore because he always refused. last week, our counselor asked about my prognosis, my health, the future for our kids, especially our son with special needs. looking to me, dh knew that i’m the planner and have started the work long ago. she shook her head and asked him why wasn’t he partnering with me on this difficult work and he had no answer, as if knew me but didn’t. this week, during the “sticky wicket” part of our session in which we both are to talk about current transgressions/issues she asked again about connection and why did i think “he” knew me, even better than dh at times? without thinking and without any ill intent, i mentioned cloud atlas and how it took me a few viewings to “get it”. but that “he” had mentioned to me that he almost cries when her speech comes up near the end. i never asked him about that. i understood why the other day when i casually mentioned i finally got the movie. and he simply typed out “duh. i cry everytime because her mannerisms, her beliefs, her love reminds me of you” *gasp* to me that’s connection. knowing someone knows you better than you even know yourself sometimes. as dh says he still thinks it’s a dumb movie our counselor looks at him. then at me. then at him again. before saying “clearly, there is so much more work here than you realize. especially if the intent is to remain married.” huh, ya think?
and the prognosis has changed yet again. don’t get me wrong – the team of doctor’s, specialists and all support folks are the best. truly. but (yes-there’s always a *but*) i admit it gets frustrating when the diagnosis takes such a long time due to complexities or not fitting a specific profile and yes, when the prognosis changes with what seems to be the wind. frankly, i’m tired. mentally. physically. emotionally. and yet all one can do is look each day in the face and keep moving. no matter how long or short the journey to the end may be.
didn’t realize it’s been so long since I last posted. no, that’s not true. I realized it but when real life takes over, sometimes it’s all you can do to get through each day and before I knew it two weeks have come and gone in almost a blur.
work has been the kind of busy that I thrive on. usually. hitting the ground running from the moment you drive into the parking garage until you look up and realize you’re late to pick up one of your kidlets, your hair appointment etc. add into that the required visits to the lab each week, marriage counseling, your own counseling, volunteer commitments, friends and on and on.
the cancer is draining in that the fatigue that I carry with me each day seems to rob me of simple pleasures. such as my love of the blogging universe. there are so many blogs that I enjoy reading and commenting on and I miss each one of them. I haven’t even had the space to lurk and keep up with posts *sigh*
he has been traveling himself and our connection to one another is fraught with complications the least of which is time zones, internet connectivity from developing countries and the complex arena of our mutual admiration society in general. I won’t lie. I miss him. Every damn day. I want my goodbye. I want that silly, romantic event in which I can thank him for all that he brought out in me, for the safe harbor he provided leading to this point and to tell him I love him. in person. and will look back fondly in the hopes that when our paths cross again in 20-years we can smile at one another. but as everyone knows, what you want you don’t always get. and as much as I fight the cancer each day I can’t guarantee that it will be enough to win the war.
so earlier today I received the final treatment in this current round of chemo sessions. it’s a surreal feeling as if it was just yesterday and at the same time feeling as if this has been one long battle. and frankly, it’s not over. not yet. now is the wait and see. there are more labs to get done and scans to look in every nook and cranny *sigh*
and of course, I anxiously await word as to whether or not i’ll be cleared to travel in a weeks time. now, it’s wait and see. 
is me is really me 