originally posted to drafts folder 3 July 2014 (in a moment of my own snarkiness)
for the anonymous and not so anonymous people that have messaged me in order to call me slut, cunt, whore, skank et al. if you insist. but to be clear, only his
not mine
All posts tagged not mine
every. damn. one.
I posted this on another blog earlier today, as it struck me how it can apply to so many things in someone’s life or even the various parts of someone’s life. I forget that he occasionally follows that blogger as well…until I see this message in my inbox:
To:
From:
SUBJECT: I have
so many more than one memory of you that I’ll keep forever….Don’t try and limit me.
connection is important to me. in all aspects of my life. our marriage counselor caught on early and has had to redirect dh a few times when it comes to lack of connection or emotional detachment on his end…when we had to have a hard conversation about *him* and the connection, she did a good job of facilitating as it wasn’t to hurt dh but to explain how and why and why it’s so critical. dh struggled as he admits he just doesn’t understand nor does he get that connection has always been important to me but that for many of our 25+ years, i went without for a myriad of reasons, one of which was not wanting to ask anymore because he always refused. last week, our counselor asked about my prognosis, my health, the future for our kids, especially our son with special needs. looking to me, dh knew that i’m the planner and have started the work long ago. she shook her head and asked him why wasn’t he partnering with me on this difficult work and he had no answer, as if knew me but didn’t. this week, during the “sticky wicket” part of our session in which we both are to talk about current transgressions/issues she asked again about connection and why did i think “he” knew me, even better than dh at times? without thinking and without any ill intent, i mentioned cloud atlas and how it took me a few viewings to “get it”. but that “he” had mentioned to me that he almost cries when her speech comes up near the end. i never asked him about that. i understood why the other day when i casually mentioned i finally got the movie. and he simply typed out “duh. i cry everytime because her mannerisms, her beliefs, her love reminds me of you” *gasp* to me that’s connection. knowing someone knows you better than you even know yourself sometimes. as dh says he still thinks it’s a dumb movie our counselor looks at him. then at me. then at him again. before saying “clearly, there is so much more work here than you realize. especially if the intent is to remain married.” huh, ya think?
didn’t realize it’s been so long since I last posted. no, that’s not true. I realized it but when real life takes over, sometimes it’s all you can do to get through each day and before I knew it two weeks have come and gone in almost a blur.
work has been the kind of busy that I thrive on. usually. hitting the ground running from the moment you drive into the parking garage until you look up and realize you’re late to pick up one of your kidlets, your hair appointment etc. add into that the required visits to the lab each week, marriage counseling, your own counseling, volunteer commitments, friends and on and on.
the cancer is draining in that the fatigue that I carry with me each day seems to rob me of simple pleasures. such as my love of the blogging universe. there are so many blogs that I enjoy reading and commenting on and I miss each one of them. I haven’t even had the space to lurk and keep up with posts *sigh*
he has been traveling himself and our connection to one another is fraught with complications the least of which is time zones, internet connectivity from developing countries and the complex arena of our mutual admiration society in general. I won’t lie. I miss him. Every damn day. I want my goodbye. I want that silly, romantic event in which I can thank him for all that he brought out in me, for the safe harbor he provided leading to this point and to tell him I love him. in person. and will look back fondly in the hopes that when our paths cross again in 20-years we can smile at one another. but as everyone knows, what you want you don’t always get. and as much as I fight the cancer each day I can’t guarantee that it will be enough to win the war.
That someone
We all want someone who can satisfy our mind as well as our body. Having either one or the other never works out. You absolutely need to have both to make it work in the long term. Finding that someone is not easy. Maintaining the balance once you have is even more difficult.
You need someone to challenge you mentally. Who understand how your brain and all its quirks work and then helps you to make sure no cobwebs build up. And also to prevent it from exploding at times. Both are equally as important. Not everyone can do that and you can’t expect them to. Only that special person you’re fully in tune with will be able to do it without losing their own mind in the process.
But all that is for nothing if the body is neglected. We need someone with the same hunger for satisfaction. Where boundaries exist only as markers on the way past them and hesitation and reluctance are unknown words. Someone as desperate as us to fulfil their deepest and most hidden lusts. Who will ask what you want and do it with the single purpose of surpassing your expectations. Who is not afraid to demand things from you, knowing you will give your body and soul to provide it for them and more.
That someone is worth searching for, no matter where you have to look. They’re worth waiting for, regardless of how long it takes. And they’re worth fighting for, irrespective of the cuts and bruises you pick up along the way. They’re worth it because they would do the same for you.
Copyright © MyRedBike – Dirty thoughts of a clean mind
of feelings today. and right now, at this very moment i am unbelievably sad. that is all.
it’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially over the last 8 months or so.
however, they are officially empty nester’s now. all three kids are off at college, all in state and close enough to pop home, but for the most part the kids don’t live at home whilst school is in session. which means that his bride is by his side constantly, WHICH IS HER RIGHTFUL PLACE (i know this!-for those anon’s out there that think i believe i’m entitled to him or his time). which means that we don’t get our good night chat as often as we did before the start of the winter semester. normally, it’s been ok but as i was explaining to another blogger earlier, this last round of chemo seems to be impacting my emotional balance more than it ever has in the past and today, well today i just miss him that much more.
there is something about him that i can’t get enough of. it’s not the sex, although to be very clear, he is my ideal sexual partner. there is no doubt about the aphrodisiac that is called desire. the desire that someone else has for you that fuels that flame. it’s as if with every kiss or touch or taste instead of quenching my thirst i literally ache for more.
i am deathly allergic to cats, specifically feline dander and their chemical makeup. as i’ve gotten older, my olfactory sensitivities has increased. certain smells that used to annoy me can literally floor me and make me nauseous and cologne that i used to love on men make me sneeze. a few things about him that i appreciated from the get-go included:
- he doesn’t wear jewelry. he wears a modest watch and his wedding ring. i’ve never been a jewelry kind of gal, i only wear my engagement and wedding rings and only out. i’ve always taken them off when i get home from work and put them away. but as much as i dislike jewelry on myself, i don’t like it on men. no thick chains, or link bracelets or pinky rings etc. i don’t know where that comes from but i do recall it starting when i was very young.
- he is clean. i don’t mean antiseptic like, but he has a “scrubbed” clean look about him. while he indulges in micro-brews and the occasional gin & tonics, he has never smoked a day in his life nor tried drugs of any kind. so his skin is remarkably clear and his complexion is aging nicely so to speak.
- he keeps his nails trimmed and short. i keep my own nails manicured and short out of preference and what looks good on me. but if a man, especially one that has a job that doesn’t involve construction or working with their hands, has long fingernails (let alone toe nails) it grosses me out. i am sure it’s because i had a neighbor when i was in elementary school that was a bit of a hermit and while he was very well put together, he kept his nails long and dirty. i still convulse a little when i think of mr. cedergren.
- he doesn’t wear cologne, of any kind. he has a fresh clean smell about him, that freshly scrubbed smell that even when he works up a sweat or i greet him at the end of his day is just a mixture of him. and i crave that scent. inhaling all that is him.
- the taste of his skin. is lightly salty and his lips are soft and kissing him. tasting him is the way i imagine kissing fresh rain would taste like if you could kiss the rain on a spring morning.
- his taste is intoxicating. it’s uniquely him. it’s what i crave.
is me is really me 