these last several weeks have been challenging on so many fronts. the least of which is the lack of personal time, especially with the short stint in the hospital, the schedules of the kids and major project work at the office. i haven’t been able to catch up on the blogs i follow and i miss each and every one of you. dh and i continue in marriage counseling with baby steps forward and baby steps back. and him. i miss him. i miss me.
listening to music and pausing when something strikes a chord. too many to post here as i can only access from work at the moment. but someone down the hall was playing this song and i couldn’t resist the indulgence. taking 90-seconds to breathe deeply just for myself.
wishing everyone a fabulous friday
“turns out that when you catch a cold and develop laryngitis whilst going through chemotherapy, there’s a likely chance you’ll get really sick. so take care” words the cashier at the local bartell’s said to me…8-days on, no relief and another chemo session in a few days. haven’t been blogging (duh) or reading but will be back and look forward to catching up on all you bloggers i follow. soon.
given the way things need to be and the new normal of limited virtual contact, the additional distance and separator of time zones pierces my heart more than ever before. I miss your touch. yes, of course the actual physical touch but more importantly the touch of our conversations and human kindness in the mutual admiration society we have. the voicemails of encouragement before and after a chemo treatment, the funny limerick left in my mailbox or the good night wish sent as a single note in the ether. that’s the touch I miss the most.
interesting and true. at least for my state currently. between chemo treatments, marriage counseling, new treatments for our son with special needs and my connection with “him” limited, job offers and some of the philanthropic work i’m involved with having their annual fundraising events it feels like i’m in the middle of a massive convergence of everything with little time for myself.
just need to take a breath and pause. for a moment. who’s with me?
dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”
*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.
on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.
the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.
he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.
the first time i heard this song was in the movie “10 things i hate about you” way back in 1999. back then, my oldest was not yet two and the group of gals i worked with at the time would go out and watch the latest teen movies because we still loved them even though we were well past our high school and even collegiate years 😉
i digress. when i heard this in the movie i remember the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and i started crying. it was if i knew then, that the feelings of want and desire and ache were not just in my head that i have those feelings and i wanted my husband to want me. crave me. desire me. it was only two years later that i discovered he could indeed have those feelings. that he had them. but not for me. for her. the other woman who rocked my world. that pushed me from my self-righteous pedestal to the beginning of rethinking my black and white thinking and the gradual realization that life is indeed messy and very few things are actually black and white. ever.
i hadn’t heard this song in a very long time. and then one day, on a whim, i selected a playlist on my mp3 player because i couldn’t remember what was on it. this time, when i heard joan’s voice the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and once again, i started to cry. not because i wanted those feelings or wanted someone to have those feelings for me. but because i realized that when i experienced him having those feelings of desire and want for me, i knew that regardless of how he and i end up, i will have to face dh and have that conversation yet again. only this time, this time i know that what i’m seeking and asking of him isn’t out of the realm of possibility for me. it just might not be with dh.
i only drink water. actually, most days i drink about 80oz. of water. with ice. oh god i love water loaded with ice. i gave up soda for lent my senior year in high school (because i figured it would be easier than giving up chocolate or sex) and haven’t picked it back up. sometimes, when i’m flying, i will have a ginger ale to help with motion sickness. i don’t drink coffee, juice or smoothies. though i’m known to indulge in a milkshake on occasion.
- while i am a smaller bbw, or as he likes to call me, curvy, i’m very active. life long soccer player/coach and i walk a lot.
- i read. a lot. exercise the brain if you will.
Hmm, food (condiments, eggs, salad dressings, eggs, cheeses, a lot of different cheeses, hummus, oranges, green grapes, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, bacon, carrots, snap peas, cucumbers, tomatoes, prepared sugar cookie doug, active greek yogurt, sour cream, etc. ) milk. protein shakes. 3 stella beers (darling husbands), 3 mini-pineapple juice’s (mine), coconut water, 3 diet cheery diet cokes, a bottle of white wine, sliced grilled chicken breast leftover lasagna, 2 gallons of low fat chocolate milk and 4 gallons of non-fat milk (as an Asian kid growing up, my newly immigrated mom didn’t know what milk was and didn’t serve it to my brother and I. but my kids inhale it as if it’s water. 6 gallons of milk a week! fresh, delivered from the local dairy-good lord) open box of baking soda.