applicable

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 21 February 14
Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, married long distance lovers, missing him, mixed bag of emotions, real life. Tagged: , , , , . 2 Comments

if you both want it you make it happen dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”

*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.

on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.

the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.

he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.

in kind

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 19 February 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, haters, my choice, random, real life. Tagged: , . 5 Comments

in the end only kindness matter by the grace of god. i remember being a young student at st. pious  x school and the then principal, was speaking to the entire school and she used the term by the grace of god. i didn’t know what that meant, i was only in the 2nd grade but something about grace and god stood out. later that night i asked my dad about it and he took the time to explain it in a way a curious 7-year old could understand.

as i got older i found that “by the grace of god” and “in the end, only kindness matters” have been quotes (mantras if you will) that i find myself falling back to time and time again. another is “kindness is possible even when fondness is not”.

the last 48-hours, as i have had some freedom to try to catch up on the bloggers and tumblrs that i follow, it struck me how many are having moments of doubt, self-recrimination, anger and every other visceral emotion that at times, can overwhelm and challenge even the strongest individual. one in particular, struck me as she was having a good old rage in her post and yet she ended it with asking the hater’s and the self-righteous judger’s that tend to leave her hate mail to give her a break. she’s having a rough go of it. it was clear from her writing that she’s in a lot of pain. and has been. she just needed to vent in the anonymity that the blogosphere offers.

it made me pause. have i been as kind as i can be even as my own world seems to be pushing towards an implosion? we all have our own stories, our own issues and we are all human with feelings and the capacity to love greatly and hurt deeply. and then i remember, that by the grace of god i go and truly, in the end, only kindness matters.

is this where i’m at? is this what i want?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 18 February 14
Posted in: cheating, compartmentalization, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, happiness, mixed bag of emotions, my choice, real life. Tagged: , , . 3 Comments

she changed

perhaps this is what my dh means. i do have a new perspective, i no longer care that he just wants us to go back to they way things have always been. i have a new mindset and i am willing to say that it’s not okay anymore. that we should have a relationship that is full, complete and whole. that i no longer care to continue if he can’t make changes. or perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle…

13.5 hours there and then back

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 18 February 14
Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, my choice, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

strongest not always strong

I gather strength from the bloggers I follow here. They are amazing people going through their own journey’s and putting themselves out there for all to see.

Darling husband is understandably angry, and yet, cannot understand my desires, or wants or needs. I am heartbroken. I should be heartbroken at the state of dh and me. But I am not. The hard conversations that we are having are one’s that we should have had years ago. We should have addressed way back then. Instead, I have some residual anger that it took this, my own duplicity, my relationship with “him” to have darling husband take stock. DH wants us to go back to the way it was before him, but how can that be?

He, to be so close to our reunion after 22-weeks and then to turn around and barely make a flight home. To not know if he is going to delve into self-protection mode as I fully expect leaves me saddened. My husband got his “goodbye” and his closure twelve years ago when he ended his affair with “the one that got away”…will I get mine? So many things tumbling about my head. My heart.

the proverbial poop has hit the fan

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 16 February 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, long distance affair, missing him, real life, traveling. Tagged: , , . 3 Comments

may be last entry for awhile landed in NYC only to talk to dh and turn around and barely make the return flight home. not sure of how to handle the shitstorm that’s sure to be coming other than head on, honestly and with all the strength I can to remain healthy and emotionally whole.

I can’t deny that to be so close to seeing him again, to kiss him to find solace in his arms before we say goodbye and then not to hurts my core more than it should.

Can’t resist this quote

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 14 February 14
Posted in: real life. Leave a comment

Wow!

errantsatiety's avatarErrant Satiety

This is how you lose her…

“You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her:

the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery,

the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five,

the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another,

the scent of new books in the store,

the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is…

View original post 234 more words

in the spirit of love

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 14 February 14
Posted in: real life. Tagged: . 1 Comment

i am a romantic at heart. not just of the happily ever after variety but of the possibility that there is kindness in all of us. love isn’t just about the eros. love is that feeling of acceptance. not tolerance, because frankly, who wants to be tolerated? acceptance and appreciation of the person, the environment, the moment.

raspberry valentines day

while my heart hurts as i think of only myself and the space at which i find myself right now. it’s also filled with love that’s bursting at the seams. i love that i am alive in a time where medical advances and the tireless work of others just might make it possible for me to survive this current bout of cancer. the love for my kidlets, two very unique and loving kids, is a different feeling altogether. and my love for each of them, while different is something fierce and drives me in ways i didn’t think possible. yes, there is love for my dh, how can there not be? is it the love one hopes to have in this go round we call life that sees us through to the end? i don’t know. there is genuine affection and 25+ years is a long time where companionship hasn’t always been marked with anger or such emotional disconnection. there is love as i had always thought passed me by. i am grateful to have this love in my life right now. while our relationship is finite, the powerful feeling and the knowledge that i have been blessed to truly experience is forever imprinted on my being. gratitude.

there is the feeling of love that can hit you when you least expect it. when you watch the interactions between a toddler and their pet. or when a friend shares a part of their life with you because they trust you implicitly and because they know you won’t judge them. when a memory of your childhood makes you smile to yourself and you realize how much you miss your dad. when a song plays on the airwaves that stirs something deep within you. when you cry at the thoughtfulness of a stranger that inquires if you are ok. at the movie “love actually” states over and over, love is everywhere, actually.

and then there is the love that i am working to find for myself. of myself. the self acceptance and appreciation for what is me. with all of the baggage, experiences and yes, mistakes you have to remember that we have all had successes somewhere in our lives. little or big, significant or buried in the mundane of the everyday. we don’t celebrate our own wins. i don’t mean posting it on facebook or adding it to the annual christmas letter. i’m talking about sitting back, taking a breathe and congratulating yourself on something done well. you didn’t reach for the phone and call him even though you desperately wanted to. good for you! you didn’t respond in anger when a colleague pushed your buttons in front of your team. rock on! you gained a couple of pounds and you feel like crap. that’s okay, you’re human. drink a glass of water and put yourself back out there. forgiveness. we have to forgive ourselves and keep trying. at the end of all of this it’s all on ourselves isn’t it? then we better start by liking ourselves and eventually, with hope, we’ll fall in love. a step at a time.

for those that have stumbled upon my blog and stuck around to read. thank you. yes, even those of you that i affectionately call the “haters”. today is valentine’s day. know that there is love in your lives. it may not be the love we hope for, long for or ache for. love is all around. happy valentine’s day. truly.

where did the week go?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 13 February 14
Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, haters, longing, married long distance lovers, my choice, real life. Tagged: , , , .

its the unexpected that changes our lives“where have you been?” “is everything okay?” “thinking of you” are just a few examples of the unexpected and thoughtful messages that started hitting my inbox the other day. fellow bloggers, yes, most ow, that I’ve been following, commenting on their posts, liking their posts etc.

what can i say other than i have indeed been absent. not intentionally but deliberately. last friday my darling husband, the man i have been tethered to for the past 25-years, asked me if i was involved with someone outside of our marriage. to say that i was shocked and scared is not quite adequate. shocked because i have long maintained, in my weekly sessions with my therapist, that if anything, should said husband discover my affair, he would either: not care, not notice and or be relieved. scared because as much as it may be hard to believe, i cannot lie when asked a question outright. of course i admitted that yes, i was (am?) indeed involved in a long distance, primarily “virtual” relationship. i wasn’t scared about the status of our relationship, no, i was afraid of the end of my relationship with “him”. while my dh is not a punitive or vengeful person, i am afraid that he may reach out to him and or his bride to confront him. that cannot happen. while my absence from all things social, was not intentional, the step back and silence has been deliberate. the separation from my blogging has been the most painful of all as i receive so much solace and education from the blogs i follow.

dh’s reaction has run the spectrum of anger, sadness and shock. anger and shock i expected. sadness i did not. this has never been about me leaving him for another. nor has it been about wielding a “you’ve had two affairs in the past and this is my turn” stick. the sadness, the hurt is hard for me to swallow (wait for it, yes i expect the haters to come out in full force now) because i question whether or not it’s genuine. is he genuinely sad that we might be ending? or is it his ego that can’t believe that the woman who he has always known and said “mckenzie will love me forever. she has always loved me more than i have ever loved her. she’s lucky a man like me remains married to an overweight and unattractive woman like her” etc.

he asked if i loved him. of course i lied and said no. no good can come of revealing that i am emotionally attached to him and that the physical side of our affair, as rare as those moments are, are the most emotionally satisfying and fulfilling of my life.

why is it that after all of these years, specifically the last four in which i begged, asked, pleaded with him to “say something” , to meet me in the middle, to consider counseling or seeing a doctor, why now? when i am so emotionally divorced that he suddenly has an epiphany and says that i should have known that he loves me, deep down and all of those hurtful words, his past affairs and his lack of interest in me sexually, is “just his way” and that my feelings and my desires should take a back seat to the last 25 years we have shared.

now, now he is willing to see a counselor. not to fix “us” but to support me in my quest to fix myself so we can go back to the way it was. the way it should be. the way he wants it to be again. my heart broke as i avoided “him” most of friday until i was safely away in my office and could log on and let him know what happened. i held my breath as i waited for him to say “goodbye” his self preservation kicking into high gear. and i cried, for the first time on friday when he asked what could he do and said “i can’t just walk away mckenzie. maybe before. and maybe i should. it’s always been my rule. but you have forced me to rethink those rules from the moment we met. this is no exception.”

darling husband and i have been talking. spending time trying to find common ground in what it is we want out of a marriage/relationship whether with or without one another. i know i want and need more. it isn’t about him. it is about me. and so we journey forward. i am not trusting his demeanor or his assertions that his way is the way it needs to be. i am giving the counseling a chance since i have wanted it for years. only now, i want to be able to take this next step either with dh or without him in a better space. dh has asked me to end it with my internet friend by the end of the month. i asked him “or what?” and he merely shook his head and replied “well since you yourself have said it’s not a mean to be relationship. eventually you will realize i am the best you will ever have”

rambling on and sad. missing him. our communications limited to a few minutes online over the last few days. but i know this is a leg of the journey i am taking on my own.