*sigh*
missing him
the feel of his skin next to mine. the rough hewn of the hair that covers his body and the softness of his full beard between my thighs. or at the back of my neck before traveling down my back. or the delicious curve of the head of his cock, smooth, silky, hard. the way my lips wrap around his hard shaft and his hips twitch and buck.
his scent. clean. him. mixed with mine. our scent. the way it lingers in the air. my desire to submit to his every whim. the need to feel him. hard. harder. more.
the reverberation of life coursing through my body as reclaims what is his. thoroughly. completely. my mind blank as my only desire is to follow his lead and discover more of the me he sees. he knows. he owns.
thinking of you. missing you. loving you.
in the middle of writing three separate posts as follow-up to comments on ms. vincent, thewomaninvisible and foreverdreamingof love’s respective blogs i heard richard marx’s interview on a local radio station out this way and i admit hearing him talk not about his new album but about his process, where he is in his life and decisions he’s made got me thinking. to be clear, the station he was on doesn’t typically play his music and they were smart enough to do their research on him and come away with questions that revealed a lot about what he’s been up to (way more than i ever would have known re: writing, producing, etc.).
curious, i went to listen to some of the songs on his new album and after the first song i bought it outright. i can’t and won’t speak to any one’s personal music choices etc but i will say that it resonates for me. deeply. specifically tracks:
- whatever we started
- suddenly
- beautiful goodbye
i found the official you-tube video for whatever we started.
the medication that i’ve been prescribed between chemo treatments usually leaves me with nausea (though much less than if i didn’t take it) but last night it seemed to bring about dreams that were fueled by memories of me and him. together. in one of those rare moments we’ve had over the course of the last two years.
that first kiss when i realized without a doubt i had not only crossed the line i swore i would never cross, i had pole vaulted over it. or the way the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up and my nipples went erect when he walked into the conference and i hadn’t even laid eyes on him yet.
or the delicious way his blush reached all the way up to his cerulean blue eyes and my panties went wet. or the raspberries he brought unexpectedly when i was alone in nyc and he found the time to cross the bridge to welcome me to his side of the continent. or meeting at my favorite bistro on the one day our travel schedules aligned whilst we were in france. enjoying a meal before strolling along the city. and the moment at the chalet his past fall, when i had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm and he held me as my body lay spent, trembling from pleasure i had only ever read about in erotic novels.
the way my flesh in his hands responds of their own accord and the way he renders me speechless with the simple flick of his tongue on so many parts of my body. his skin against mine and his weight upon me. the salty taste of his skin or better yet, the taste of myself on his tongue as his mouth recaptures mine.
dreaming of him leaves me spent and aching for his taste, his touch, his scent, him.
That someone
We all want someone who can satisfy our mind as well as our body. Having either one or the other never works out. You absolutely need to have both to make it work in the long term. Finding that someone is not easy. Maintaining the balance once you have is even more difficult.
You need someone to challenge you mentally. Who understand how your brain and all its quirks work and then helps you to make sure no cobwebs build up. And also to prevent it from exploding at times. Both are equally as important. Not everyone can do that and you can’t expect them to. Only that special person you’re fully in tune with will be able to do it without losing their own mind in the process.
But all that is for nothing if the body is neglected. We need someone with the same hunger for satisfaction. Where boundaries exist only as markers on the way past them and hesitation and reluctance are unknown words. Someone as desperate as us to fulfil their deepest and most hidden lusts. Who will ask what you want and do it with the single purpose of surpassing your expectations. Who is not afraid to demand things from you, knowing you will give your body and soul to provide it for them and more.
That someone is worth searching for, no matter where you have to look. They’re worth waiting for, regardless of how long it takes. And they’re worth fighting for, irrespective of the cuts and bruises you pick up along the way. They’re worth it because they would do the same for you.
Copyright © MyRedBike – Dirty thoughts of a clean mind
dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”
*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.
on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.
the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.
he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.
of feelings today. and right now, at this very moment i am unbelievably sad. that is all.
may be last entry for awhile landed in NYC only to talk to dh and turn around and barely make the return flight home. not sure of how to handle the shitstorm that’s sure to be coming other than head on, honestly and with all the strength I can to remain healthy and emotionally whole.
I can’t deny that to be so close to seeing him again, to kiss him to find solace in his arms before we say goodbye and then not to hurts my core more than it should.
is me is really me 