the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.
but there’s no way to distance yourself from your own heart.”…kristen hannah
this question always throws me because i tend to make decisions based on circumstances, information i have and scenarios. my dream job(s) changes based on where i’m at in my life or my interests. certain components don’t change yet the job description might. as long as i’m able to:
- autonomy to come and go given the needs of my family but my son in particular
- have the time to volunteer and give back in a meaningful way
- believe in the goals of the company and or leader of said company
- the freedom to be authentic
- able to laugh and have fun
then i can adapt and be thankful and successful in whatever the job may be.
- i’m a bona fide pluviophile
- i’m on the board of directors for two local youth focused philanthropies
- one of my children has autism and as difficult as it is in all aspects of my life, he is the light of my life
- i’m a voracious reader
- i believe that as a parent my job is to be a parent and not a friend
- in what seems like another life so long ago, i used to work for a professional basketball team within the nba
- i think traveling alone is good for the soul
- i cry every day
- i eat a pint of fresh raspberries every day. every. day.
- giving back to the community in which we live, work and play is tantamount
- i wear my geek girl/fan girl badges with pride
- i miss him. his voice. his touch. his scent. his taste. every day in between the rare moments we get.
- my soul is inexplicably tethered to London
- soccer isn’t just a beautiful game it’s a way of life
- i prefer cold weather to warm weather
- i “fell” into my career 17-years ago and haven’t looked back.
- i’ve never been told “i love you” first
- i have cancer
- i own too many converse chucks and too many black boots
- i’m blessed