real life

musical musings rule the day

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 28 March 14
Posted in: real life. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

these last several weeks have been challenging on so many fronts. the least of which is the lack of personal time, especially with the short stint in the hospital, the schedules of the kids and major project work at the office. i haven’t been able to catch up on the blogs i follow and i miss each and every one of you. dh and i continue in marriage counseling with baby steps forward and baby steps back. and him. i miss him. i miss me.

listening to music and pausing when something strikes a chord. too many to post here as i can only access from work at the moment. but someone down the hall was playing this song and i couldn’t resist the indulgence. taking 90-seconds to breathe deeply just for myself.

wishing everyone a fabulous friday

unexcused absences

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 15 March 14
Posted in: real life, Uncategorized. Tagged: , . 4 Comments

“turns out that when you catch a cold and develop laryngitis whilst going through chemotherapy, there’s a likely chance you’ll get really sick. so take care” words the cashier at the local bartell’s said to me…8-days on, no relief and another chemo session in a few days. haven’t been blogging (duh) or reading but will be back and look forward to catching up on all you bloggers i follow. soon.

ill

friday fare thee well

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 8 March 14
Posted in: cheating, emotional intelligence and relationships, random, real life, traveling, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , . 1 Comment

missing your touchtravel well my friend. for the rest of the month not only are we separated by distance and time zones, the distance is literally half a world away and the time zones increased to a day+

given the way things need to be and the new normal of limited virtual contact, the additional distance and separator of time zones pierces my heart more than ever before. I miss your touch. yes, of course the actual physical touch but more importantly the touch of our conversations and human kindness in the mutual admiration society we have. the voicemails of encouragement before and after a chemo treatment, the funny limerick left in my mailbox or the good night wish sent as a single note in the ether. that’s the touch I miss the most.

that someone via MyRedBike

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 5 March 14
Posted in: cheating, emotional intelligence and relationships, long distance affair, missing him, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

That someonesomeone

We all want someone who can satisfy our mind as well as our body. Having either one or the other never works out. You absolutely need to have both to make it work in the long term. Finding that someone is not easy. Maintaining the balance once you have is even more difficult.

You need someone to challenge you mentally. Who understand how your brain and all its quirks work and then helps you to make sure no cobwebs build up. And also to prevent it from exploding at times. Both are equally as important. Not everyone can do that and you can’t expect them to. Only that special person you’re fully in tune with will be able to do it without losing their own mind in the process.

But all that is for nothing if the body is neglected. We need someone with the same hunger for satisfaction. Where boundaries exist only as markers on the way past them and hesitation and reluctance are unknown words. Someone as desperate as us to fulfil their deepest and most hidden lusts. Who will ask what you want and do it with the single purpose of surpassing your expectations. Who is not afraid to demand things from you, knowing you will give your body and soul to provide it for them and more.

That someone is worth searching for, no matter where you have to look. They’re worth waiting for, regardless of how long it takes. And they’re worth fighting for, irrespective of the cuts and bruises you pick up along the way. They’re worth it because they would do the same for you.

Copyright © MyRedBike – Dirty thoughts of a clean mind

state of the state

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 4 March 14
Posted in: real life. Tagged: , , . 7 Comments

when life throws things at you

interesting and true. at least for my state currently. between chemo treatments, marriage counseling, new treatments for our son with special needs and my connection with “him” limited, job offers and some of the philanthropic work i’m involved with having their annual fundraising events it feels like i’m in the middle of a massive convergence of everything with little time for myself.

just need to take a breath and pause. for a moment. who’s with me?

applicable

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 21 February 14
Posted in: cheating, darling husband, emotional intelligence and relationships, married long distance lovers, missing him, mixed bag of emotions, real life. Tagged: , , , , . 2 Comments

if you both want it you make it happen dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”

*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.

on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.

the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.

he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.

in kind

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 19 February 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, haters, my choice, random, real life. Tagged: , . 5 Comments

in the end only kindness matter by the grace of god. i remember being a young student at st. pious  x school and the then principal, was speaking to the entire school and she used the term by the grace of god. i didn’t know what that meant, i was only in the 2nd grade but something about grace and god stood out. later that night i asked my dad about it and he took the time to explain it in a way a curious 7-year old could understand.

as i got older i found that “by the grace of god” and “in the end, only kindness matters” have been quotes (mantras if you will) that i find myself falling back to time and time again. another is “kindness is possible even when fondness is not”.

the last 48-hours, as i have had some freedom to try to catch up on the bloggers and tumblrs that i follow, it struck me how many are having moments of doubt, self-recrimination, anger and every other visceral emotion that at times, can overwhelm and challenge even the strongest individual. one in particular, struck me as she was having a good old rage in her post and yet she ended it with asking the hater’s and the self-righteous judger’s that tend to leave her hate mail to give her a break. she’s having a rough go of it. it was clear from her writing that she’s in a lot of pain. and has been. she just needed to vent in the anonymity that the blogosphere offers.

it made me pause. have i been as kind as i can be even as my own world seems to be pushing towards an implosion? we all have our own stories, our own issues and we are all human with feelings and the capacity to love greatly and hurt deeply. and then i remember, that by the grace of god i go and truly, in the end, only kindness matters.