20 June 2015
just as it says in the title. this was an earworm he had sent me when he had me on his mind. he always seemed to know when I needed to hear from him. If even in a moment and a youtube link sent a long while ago…~IsMe
real life
20 June 2015
Ah yes, one of those drafts that has been sitting in my drafts for the past 6-months. Originally, if I remember correctly, I started writing this post during a particularly difficult time in marriage counseling and some hard work I was facing in my personal therapy related to childhood trauma I was finally acknowledging/recognizing as a form of disassociation and ptsd and how my lack of connection with him was leaving me feeling alone. In a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. While the specifics have changed. This quote resonates on many levels, especially as I’ve read through many of the blogs I follow these past few weeks…~IsMe
19 June 2015 (For all of the work I do in my every day real life, with linear thinking engineers, I am not a linear poster, like a few of my faves such as Lady M and Ms. A *sigh*). I’ve avoided looking in my drafts folder for a reason and then realized that many of the drafts are still relevant, if only to me. My absence as of late as been self imposed and I don’t know that I’m prepared to share what’s been going on these past 3-months. But, I will delve into my drafts and see what makes the cut. Maybe by the time I’m done, if anyone is still following, I’ll go into disclosure-mode, as much as possible. So without further preface…~IsMe
Just over 8- months ago I wrote a short post about my oldest and the process students here in the States go through in order to apply for college. What I didn’t add to that post was that besides the pressure mentioned, there was the additional pressure, from within themselves but from parents and school administrators and the general area in which we live, to apply to *only* top tier schools. The usual Ivy’s, Service Academies and of course; Tufts, Stanford, Georgetown, Boston College, Northwestern, NYU, Barnard, Columbia, USC, UC Berkeley, UCLA, or at minimum, Parson’s, Rochester, Scripps, Dickinson, Williams, Middlebury and the list goes on and on. While 40% of kiddo’s school receives some sort of financial aid or merit scholarships. The majority do not and a subset of that majority, roughly 30% do not need aid of any kind. Let’s put it this way, these are the families that tell their kiddo’s to apply to only the best schools, no need to worry about the cost. Yup, that is so not our situation. Then again, DH and I have always agreed that our kiddo has to have some skin in the game. Whether it’s a scholarship that holds her accountable to maintaining a certain gpa, working to pay the difference between what we’ve saved and what she may receive in scholarship money etc.
Many of her classmates and friends did indeed apply to Ivy League schools while many did not. It almost became. No it did become this awkward time when parents would talk about nothing else. What schools are the kids applying to? And if your kid wasn’t applying to a top shelf school, why not? There were three mom’s in particular, yes, mom’s, that eventually the rest of us had to avoid. They were so opinionated and adamant in their belief that if the rest of us didn’t push our kids towards an ivy league school we were failing them. And those of us that were encouraging our kids to seek out schools that not only had the programs they were interested in but a community and environment that they would be active in and happy-well then that was akin to child abuse! One woman in particular, I’ll call her Taria, went so far as to say that “being happy” and having a “collegiate experience” isn’t what college is for. It’s to focus, get good grades, get into an even better graduate program and get that good job. Being happy and fulfilled is for when they’re well on their way. Hmm. Of course Taria knew exactly what she was talking about from experience. She did nothing in school except study and sing in choir. She didn’t socialize until her studies where done all and she graduated from her high school as the valedictorian. She went on to one of the Ivy’s for undergrad and got her juris doctorate from another Ivy. Passed the bar on the first try and got a job with a prestigious firm on Wall Street. Where she worked for exactly 8-months and 11 days. She has spent the last 21 years working part-time as a Montessori Teacher. Yet instead of taking great pride in a career that shapes young minds and clearly she loves, the first thing out of her mouth when meeting someone new is “My name is Taria, I’m Jessina and Laura’s mom. I have my law degree from Yale, where did you go to school and what do you do?” I’m venting about her in particular because of the way she lorded over all of us her opinions and her conviction that Jessina would be going to a prestigious school and if not, then they would not be paying for any of her education. Not one of the 4 students with the overbearing mom’s were accepted into *any* of their top tier choices. Could it be that colleges are looking for more well rounded applicants? You know, those kids that are able to demonstrate a breadth of activities besides sitting home and earning straight A’s? Like the one classmate that is a world ranked, yes, world ranked, squash player and missed a good chunk of school each year? Or the one that worked three jobs to support her family, managed to play 2 varsity sports and have perfect attendance? Or is it the young artiste that didn’t have the best grades but was recognized regionally and nationally for her evocative and visually stunning paintings? It got to the point where after the first round of early decision and early action notifications came out, the students stopped talking about colleges while the parents were on the proverbial wait and see watch. Sometime during this wait, this article hit my dashboard and it was quickly shared amongst the parents of our graduating class.
http://www.redbookmag.com/life/money-career/a21707/why-i-dont-want-my-daughter-going-to-harvard/
As it is, 100% of the graduating class was accepted into 4-year colleges and universities across the United States and even a few international schools (because Canada is indeed a foreign country!). The average was a whopping 9.8 per student. Wow. Almost all received some type of merit scholarship and 10% of the class were awarded full-ride’s based on academics. Many are staying locally or at least on the West Coast and attending big state schools that consistently sit in the top 25-30. More than half are attending small liberal arts colleges on the east coast. And a select few have been accepted into very specific arts related programs whether at NYU, Parsons School of Design or USC Film. So you see, everyone has landed where they needed to land.
Between November and the present the road has been up and down and an all-around adventure. Kiddo #1 was fortunate to have many schools to choose from and in the end, she chose what is the best choice for her. She met the fabulous Lady M on the weekend she also won a national award in an area that’s dominated by men 9:1, there was family drama, best friend drama, school drama which didn’t involve her directly but she ended up speaking up at the risk of what every 17-year old fears, the bane of their peers even if it is the right thing to do, playing in what she thought was her last competitive soccer season, prom, injuries and ultimately, celebrating her 18th birthday, registering to vote and graduating earlier this month. I’m officially exhausted and need a nap 😀
The next 8-weeks is packed to the rim before we see her off on the next leg of her adventures.
While my Dad and my maternal Grandmother served our country, neither died whilst in service of our country. Today is a day to honor and remember those, and their loved ones, that made the ultimate sacrifice while serving and protecting our country, and the independence and freedom that was fought for before them. As we continue to evolve and fight new threats; whether ISIS, homegrown terrorists or the continued inequity in our own justice system, let’s remember those and their families that believed and ultimately sacrificed so that we may continue on.
I truly wish I posted in a linear manner, much like Lady M of Woman Invisible, for then there would have been at least a half a dozen or several hundred posts, that would provide context as it relates to counseling. Marriage counseling specifically. That said, anyone who has followed for the better part of the last 18-months may recall that dh and I have been working through counseling since early 2014. Some weeks it’s good, which means the sessions are incredibly difficult and intense and hard. Some weeks it’s hard, which means we get stuck or hit and impasse. We each walk out in status quo mode, nothing backward but no steps forward. No emotion, just as is. And then there’s the week’s in which we are at a plateau. No, a true stalemate. I’d say we’ve been in this stage for a couple of months now. Maybe even more. Enough so that our counselor, which dh chose all those months ago, insisted on meeting with us individually these last two weeks or so. Today was my turn again. She looked at me and asked me what does it feel like, emotionally and what feelings come up, when dh pushes for some vulnerability on my part. At first I was stymied. I felt as if I’ve answered this same question over and over again with her, with all of us in the room etc. It wasn’t until she restated the question: “When dh begins to ask you to be vulnerable and hear his wants, what does that bring up for you?” Hmm, thinking about it, I finally looked at her before simply stating: “I don’t know. I know that I don’t trust what I am hearing from dh based on the last 11-years prior to starting counseling. I have no reason to feel “safe” to be vulnerable or to speak openly about my emotions or the childhood abuse that has started to flood back in my dreams nightly.”
We spent time talking about many things, she asked more and more questions related to the first 15 years of our relationship versus anything in the present. In her probing, she asked if I listened to music. Um, yes? She laughed and said, no, sorry, what I mean is does music move you? Make you laugh? Cry? Shout? Sing along? Of course. Great. She started doing music association if you will. She started with “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” the Marvin Gaye version. As she played it one more time, she asked me, aside from your kids, who do you picture when you listen to the lyrics?
“Oh”…is all I get out. She looks at me and says “there’s no right or wrong answer, yet.”…and with that, time was up.
As a practice, my preference is to only post images in black & white, but for this, I have to make an exception. This is the view from the cabana by the sea, if you look closely you can see surfers dotting the swirl, in which I spent some time earlier this year, in contemplation as the masseuse worked his magic.
Why am I posting about this now? Good question, I don’t know. The last few months have been a cacophony of noise. Or rather, that’s what it’s felt like. A constant buzzing of demands in every aspect of our lives. Enough so it’s almost impossible to focus on one thing at any given time. Granted, much of it is related to having a child that’s about to graduate from high school and all of the work and preparation that comes with that, along with, the ongoing work to apply to colleges and then hurry up and wait. Hoping you’ve been at least smart enough to do some financial planning when it comes to their secondary education. And of course, there’s our work, as a couple and individuals. Couples counseling, marriage counseling-whatever you call it is hard work. Especially when it’s a good session, it’s brutally hard. As it should be. But it’s also emotionally and mentally draining. I’m not one to back away from work. Ever. But lately, I need a break. Just time to breathe and take in the day. And so, I look at this picture and hear the surfers encouraging one another, as the surf breaks just outside the cabana window. And I breathe deeply. Forging ahead…
The other day, my friend P and I found time in our mutual schedules for an early, albeit quick supper before the demands of our mutual families took precedent. We agreed on a local restaurant close to where my new office is and went about our respective days. No sooner had I walked into the lobby of the café did P look down at her phone with a curious look of disbelief on her face. She didn’t see me approach as she swiped her finger across the miniscule screen in an attempt to open the document waiting for her. P looks up briefly and greets me with a cheery “hello” and looks back down at her phone.
Handing it over to me, she asks “Does this mean what I think it means?” I look at the miniscule screen to read: “Attached is the receipt and confirmation of the filing as of 4:30pm today. Good luck to the two of you. Best, Random Family Mediator”
“Yes, I believe it’s exactly what you think it is. How are you feeling?” I venture…
P scrunched up her face a bit and without batting her eyelids said; “fine” Truthfully, I’m not sure what I expected. While P knew over 5-years ago that she would be ending her marriage, she envisioned waiting until their oldest was out of college and their youngest was a senior in high school. As life often happens, in this past 2+ years, she had a reckoning or an awakening and last year she made the move to uncouple. P & Ike were married just over 23-years. He is a good man, lovely father, provider etc. P is a good woman, an equally lovely mother and provider. All is good. And yet, it was a half life for her and when she approached Ike about her unhappiness and the desire to no longer be married, he too agreed that maybe, just maybe there is more out there. Not to say it’s been easy at all. In contrast to many of our other friends or even blogs we’ve both read, they have had an almost idyllic parting. There wasn’t any quibbling over the amount of child support, alimony or rights to future earnings. They’ve agreed to a shared parenting plan that’s generous in either of them asking for extra time with the kids or having the first opportunity to have the kids if the other has a business trip or vacation out of town.
Is she sad. Yes, of course she is. Even though she took the first step, it’s still the end of a marriage and an era. She’s also sad that it took her 18-years to make the move. We both say it’s a generational thing. How we were raised and the expectations but in truth, much of the hesitation is also rooted in fear. Pure and simple. Is she overly elated and planning a “I’m Divorced” party? Nope. As we were talking over dinner, her now xH sent a text. ” Got the news. We did it P. I’ll see you when I drop the kids off on Friday. Heading to dinner with N. Thanks…Ike”
Regrets? The initial pain in the eyes of her kids when they told them all of those months ago. What would she have done differently? Had the conversation with Ike sooner.
And now, just shy of 16-months of starting down the road, they have officially come to the fork in the road.
beautifully written and relevant in so many ways…
As a parent of a child with Aspergers, I believe in miracles because on ‘good’ days, I get to experience them. You might take a prolonged period of eye contact from your child for granted. But I don’t. For the mother of a child with autism, eye contact is something that rarely happens, as it’s seen as confrontational and intrusive, so when it does happen voluntarily, it completely touches your heart.
You may get frustrated when the loud noise of your children’s rambunctious laughter starts at 3am during a sleepover with friends, when all you want to do is grab a bit of sleep before work the next day. Yet for me, hearing the appropriate laughter at a joke told by peers would be priceless. Traditional Humour is exceptionally hard for an autistic person to understand and often what they find amusing is not shared by others.
Imagine having a…
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