I posted this on another blog earlier today, as it struck me how it can apply to so many things in someone’s life or even the various parts of someone’s life. I forget that he occasionally follows that blogger as well…until I see this message in my inbox:
SUBJECT: I have
so many more than one memory of you that I’ll keep forever….Don’t try and limit me.
travel well my friend. for the rest of the month not only are we separated by distance and time zones, the distance is literally half a world away and the time zones increased to a day+
given the way things need to be and the new normal of limited virtual contact, the additional distance and separator of time zones pierces my heart more than ever before. I miss your touch. yes, of course the actual physical touch but more importantly the touch of our conversations and human kindness in the mutual admiration society we have. the voicemails of encouragement before and after a chemo treatment, the funny limerick left in my mailbox or the good night wish sent as a single note in the ether. that’s the touch I miss the most.
during counseling today i was stunned into silence when the counselor looked at me, then at darling husband, back at me before turning to face darling husband and said “you can’t fault her for finally choosing herself when she has always put you first. always. her choice, whether right or wrong, was still her choice and you chose to ignore her for so long that to raise an objection now is your issue. not hers. we are here to deal with each of these separately as they impact your relationship. but until you can see, not agree, but see things from her perspective, you won’t move forward.” huh…still processing.
We all want someone who can satisfy our mind as well as our body. Having either one or the other never works out. You absolutely need to have both to make it work in the long term. Finding that someone is not easy. Maintaining the balance once you have is even more difficult.
You need someone to challenge you mentally. Who understand how your brain and all its quirks work and then helps you to make sure no cobwebs build up. And also to prevent it from exploding at times. Both are equally as important. Not everyone can do that and you can’t expect them to. Only that special person you’re fully in tune with will be able to do it without losing their own mind in the process.
But all that is for nothing if the body is neglected. We need someone with the same hunger for satisfaction. Where boundaries exist only as markers on the way past them and hesitation and reluctance are unknown words. Someone as desperate as us to fulfil their deepest and most hidden lusts. Who will ask what you want and do it with the single purpose of surpassing your expectations. Who is not afraid to demand things from you, knowing you will give your body and soul to provide it for them and more.
That someone is worth searching for, no matter where you have to look. They’re worth waiting for, regardless of how long it takes. And they’re worth fighting for, irrespective of the cuts and bruises you pick up along the way. They’re worth it because they would do the same for you.
Copyright © MyRedBike – Dirty thoughts of a clean mind
dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”
*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.
on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.
the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.
he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.
of feelings today. and right now, at this very moment i am unbelievably sad. that is all.
perhaps this is what my dh means. i do have a new perspective, i no longer care that he just wants us to go back to they way things have always been. i have a new mindset and i am willing to say that it’s not okay anymore. that we should have a relationship that is full, complete and whole. that i no longer care to continue if he can’t make changes. or perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle…