it’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially over the last 8 months or so.
however, they are officially empty nester’s now. all three kids are off at college, all in state and close enough to pop home, but for the most part the kids don’t live at home whilst school is in session. which means that his bride is by his side constantly, WHICH IS HER RIGHTFUL PLACE (i know this!-for those anon’s out there that think i believe i’m entitled to him or his time). which means that we don’t get our good night chat as often as we did before the start of the winter semester. normally, it’s been ok but as i was explaining to another blogger earlier, this last round of chemo seems to be impacting my emotional balance more than it ever has in the past and today, well today i just miss him that much more.
you got this! personally, it isn’t about him, it is about the epiphany you had while with him that showed you the road less traveled. the road you that you will travel, successfully. it may not be easy, it’s certainly going to slay you and like the day you had the other day, there will be moments of brilliance before you find your new normal. the new normal of your choosing. the new normal that feels right for you. is right for you.
there is something about him that i can’t get enough of. it’s not the sex, although to be very clear, he is my ideal sexual partner. there is no doubt about the aphrodisiac that is called desire. the desire that someone else has for you that fuels that flame. it’s as if with every kiss or touch or taste instead of quenching my thirst i literally ache for more.
i am deathly allergic to cats, specifically feline dander and their chemical makeup. as i’ve gotten older, my olfactory sensitivities has increased. certain smells that used to annoy me can literally floor me and make me nauseous and cologne that i used to love on men make me sneeze. a few things about him that i appreciated from the get-go included:
he doesn’t wear jewelry. he wears a modest watch and his wedding ring. i’ve never been a jewelry kind of gal, i only wear my engagement and wedding rings and only out. i’ve always taken them off when i get home from work and put them away. but as much as i dislike jewelry on myself, i don’t like it on men. no thick chains, or link bracelets or pinky rings etc. i don’t know where that comes from but i do recall it starting when i was very young.
he is clean. i don’t mean antiseptic like, but he has a “scrubbed” clean look about him. while he indulges in micro-brews and the occasional gin & tonics, he has never smoked a day in his life nor tried drugs of any kind. so his skin is remarkably clear and his complexion is aging nicely so to speak.
he keeps his nails trimmed and short. i keep my own nails manicured and short out of preference and what looks good on me. but if a man, especially one that has a job that doesn’t involve construction or working with their hands, has long fingernails (let alone toe nails) it grosses me out. i am sure it’s because i had a neighbor when i was in elementary school that was a bit of a hermit and while he was very well put together, he kept his nails long and dirty. i still convulse a little when i think of mr. cedergren.
he doesn’t wear cologne, of any kind. he has a fresh clean smell about him, that freshly scrubbed smell that even when he works up a sweat or i greet him at the end of his day is just a mixture of him. and i crave that scent. inhaling all that is him.
the taste of his skin. is lightly salty and his lips are soft and kissing him. tasting him is the way i imagine kissing fresh rain would taste like if you could kiss the rain on a spring morning.
his taste is intoxicating. it’s uniquely him. it’s what i crave.
while i have not been one that follows astrology closely, if at all, i will admit that as an aries, i have found that many of the traits and characteristics attributed to aries are pretty spot on.
but i haven’t been like some of my friends or even colleagues that check their horoscope daily or plan their lives or decisions based on what their horoscope is for a day.
today, this fell upon my dashboard over on tumblr and it made me catch my breath. this is my second bout against cancer, a different cancer than the first time over 20-years ago when i was diagnosed with cervical cancer (rare in that i was only 23 at the time). add in my middle age, the tumultuous medical emergency involving my oldest that we’re still dealing with over 16 months later, my affair with him shedding more light on the aspects of my marriage i had long overlooked, having my youngest on the autism spectrum and a career that is morphing along with the organization i work for has led me to get very introspective as of late. so much so that i for the last few months I’ve wondered if i am no longer passionate about my career. the work, the company. the people. I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t my career choice or even the company that is so much a part of me. I need a change. But where? My personal life? I’m not ready to go there. Our kids are our priority and it would devastate them if I made a change. And no, lest you all think it’s because it would mean the end of him and me, while i admit that weighs on my mind, it is not nor will be the driving force if and when that happens. I am doing the best I can fighting this bout of cancer, I can only control the things I can control; eating right, sleeping, reducing stress. getting things in order just in case and for me, staying busy with my family, my work, my volunteer work and the rare moments with him. my work? ah, perhaps this is where I need to let go, and take that risk at something new or rather a new place, a smaller place where the work i am most passionate about has a chance to make an impact. to have a legacy in the core building of it’s foundation.
ramblings of an over active mind on a Saturday night.
before we met we exchanged a flurry of emails that started as witty banter and escalated in to a battle of words. words that demonstrated our imaginations and then our extensive vocabularies and then a truce.
ok, we said. let’s keep “chatting” over email because it was fun. it was nice to correspond with someone that had a sense of humor, broad knowledge on a range of topics and asked questions about my life, my interests, my family.
when it became clear that i was intrigued by this smart, well written man i agreed to meet him the next time he was out my way. a change in his schedule as he was in the air almost prevented the meeting from taking place.
when he walked into the lobby of the building, i will never forget the way i knew it was him before even turning my head. my body was abuzz and every fiber was on alert. then i heard his voice and it was the voice i made up in my head when i read his emails leading up to our meeting. what i wasn’t prepared for was the jolt that ran through me when we shook hands. the minutes flew by, chatting, laughing and conversing as if we had known one another a long time. he walked me to my car and we said good bye. the only physical touch was that handshake. but he was in my head long before that.
the first time i heard this song was in the movie “10 things i hate about you” way back in 1999. back then, my oldest was not yet two and the group of gals i worked with at the time would go out and watch the latest teen movies because we still loved them even though we were well past our high school and even collegiate years 😉
i digress. when i heard this in the movie i remember the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and i started crying. it was if i knew then, that the feelings of want and desire and ache were not just in my head that i have those feelings and i wanted my husband to want me. crave me. desire me. it was only two years later that i discovered he could indeed have those feelings. that he had them. but not for me. for her. the other woman who rocked my world. that pushed me from my self-righteous pedestal to the beginning of rethinking my black and white thinking and the gradual realization that life is indeed messy and very few things are actually black and white. ever.
i hadn’t heard this song in a very long time. and then one day, on a whim, i selected a playlist on my mp3 player because i couldn’t remember what was on it. this time, when i heard joan’s voice the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and once again, i started to cry. not because i wanted those feelings or wanted someone to have those feelings for me. but because i realized that when i experienced him having those feelings of desire and want for me, i knew that regardless of how he and i end up, i will have to face dh and have that conversation yet again. only this time, this time i know that what i’m seeking and asking of him isn’t out of the realm of possibility for me. it just might not be with dh.
it’s interesting this blogosphere isn’t it? you find blogs, devour them, feel as if you know or have a kinship with them. whether they are on opposite sides of whatever fence you are on the other side of. sometimes, they disappear, blogging is a personal matter and unless it’s how you earn your living it isn’t always easy to post often. sometimes, the impetus to start a blog in the first place has passed or perhaps they are just done.
in the last few days some of those that i follow religiously are moving through stages in their own story/journey each with aspects of letting go. whether it’s letting go of a lover, feelings, something in their past or immediate present. in even a few words, one can move me to tears while another inspires me with her strength to face whatever it may be when she returns to work on Monday. and others, others, speak to me in their yearning and longing to be desired, wanted, valued. to know they matter. we all matter. that’s just it. we. all. matter.
this week has been a week of ups and downs, as many of them are. the chemo treatment went as planned, the ensuing physical and emotional reaction wasn’t. while he and i didn’t get to interact much as we usually do each work day, he made sure to call my voicemail when he got to his office and leave me a morning message. the gesture alone warmed me. that it has been daily, and yes, surprise, even this morning (a Saturday morning at that) touches me in a way that i can’t explain. work continues to push and challenge me, this large-scale organizational change is pushing all of us. out of the blue, a congratulations message to a former client last week resulted in a phone interview and now I’m headed out-of-state for an interview in a week, I’m terrified. I’m lucky, i have a job i love and yet the potential opportunity with this new employer could be life changing. and i am scared at the thought of letting go of everything i know. of the potential reality that i just might walk away from the company i love, that is interwoven in who i am, the place that provided comfort and shelter in a way i didn’t know i was missing here at home. the thought of interviewing is daunting, as i haven’t interviewed externally for over 11-years. darling husband has suddenly decided that i have to decide. i have to decide if the sex life (or lack thereof) and level if intimacy that we have is enough because he’s tired of me wanting him to see a counselor, tired of me trying to have discussions with him when he just wants us to be the way we were before. when it was okay that we only had sex once every few months. when i didn’t “want” anything more. truthfully, if i change the status of my marriage, then i change he and i. i would have to because the balance would change and that isn’t fair to him. and so i realize that we are all on these journey’s and at every stage there is some letting go that has to happen.
it’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially over the last 8 months or so.
words.
is me is really me 