given the way things need to be and the new normal of limited virtual contact, the additional distance and separator of time zones pierces my heart more than ever before. I miss your touch. yes, of course the actual physical touch but more importantly the touch of our conversations and human kindness in the mutual admiration society we have. the voicemails of encouragement before and after a chemo treatment, the funny limerick left in my mailbox or the good night wish sent as a single note in the ether. that’s the touch I miss the most.
by the grace of god. i remember being a young student at st. pious x school and the then principal, was speaking to the entire school and she used the term by the grace of god. i didn’t know what that meant, i was only in the 2nd grade but something about grace and god stood out. later that night i asked my dad about it and he took the time to explain it in a way a curious 7-year old could understand.
as i got older i found that “by the grace of god” and “in the end, only kindness matters” have been quotes (mantras if you will) that i find myself falling back to time and time again. another is “kindness is possible even when fondness is not”.
the last 48-hours, as i have had some freedom to try to catch up on the bloggers and tumblrs that i follow, it struck me how many are having moments of doubt, self-recrimination, anger and every other visceral emotion that at times, can overwhelm and challenge even the strongest individual. one in particular, struck me as she was having a good old rage in her post and yet she ended it with asking the hater’s and the self-righteous judger’s that tend to leave her hate mail to give her a break. she’s having a rough go of it. it was clear from her writing that she’s in a lot of pain. and has been. she just needed to vent in the anonymity that the blogosphere offers.
it made me pause. have i been as kind as i can be even as my own world seems to be pushing towards an implosion? we all have our own stories, our own issues and we are all human with feelings and the capacity to love greatly and hurt deeply. and then i remember, that by the grace of god i go and truly, in the end, only kindness matters.
it’s interesting this blogosphere isn’t it? you find blogs, devour them, feel as if you know or have a kinship with them. whether they are on opposite sides of whatever fence you are on the other side of. sometimes, they disappear, blogging is a personal matter and unless it’s how you earn your living it isn’t always easy to post often. sometimes, the impetus to start a blog in the first place has passed or perhaps they are just done.
in the last few days some of those that i follow religiously are moving through stages in their own story/journey each with aspects of letting go. whether it’s letting go of a lover, feelings, something in their past or immediate present. in even a few words, one can move me to tears while another inspires me with her strength to face whatever it may be when she returns to work on Monday. and others, others, speak to me in their yearning and longing to be desired, wanted, valued. to know they matter. we all matter. that’s just it. we. all. matter.
this week has been a week of ups and downs, as many of them are. the chemo treatment went as planned, the ensuing physical and emotional reaction wasn’t. while he and i didn’t get to interact much as we usually do each work day, he made sure to call my voicemail when he got to his office and leave me a morning message. the gesture alone warmed me. that it has been daily, and yes, surprise, even this morning (a Saturday morning at that) touches me in a way that i can’t explain. work continues to push and challenge me, this large-scale organizational change is pushing all of us. out of the blue, a congratulations message to a former client last week resulted in a phone interview and now I’m headed out-of-state for an interview in a week, I’m terrified. I’m lucky, i have a job i love and yet the potential opportunity with this new employer could be life changing. and i am scared at the thought of letting go of everything i know. of the potential reality that i just might walk away from the company i love, that is interwoven in who i am, the place that provided comfort and shelter in a way i didn’t know i was missing here at home. the thought of interviewing is daunting, as i haven’t interviewed externally for over 11-years. darling husband has suddenly decided that i have to decide. i have to decide if the sex life (or lack thereof) and level if intimacy that we have is enough because he’s tired of me wanting him to see a counselor, tired of me trying to have discussions with him when he just wants us to be the way we were before. when it was okay that we only had sex once every few months. when i didn’t “want” anything more. truthfully, if i change the status of my marriage, then i change he and i. i would have to because the balance would change and that isn’t fair to him. and so i realize that we are all on these journey’s and at every stage there is some letting go that has to happen.
i’m a voracious reader and a lover of books, quotes, sayings…
and this showed up on my dashboard and something about the ache and beauty resonated.
I have absolutely no clue. None. Ok, that’s not fair. In my everyday real life, according to traditional standards and expectations (as if everything goes by plan) I should be preparing from my oldest’s graduation from college and prepping for my youngest to be graduating from high school. Of course, given my baby is on the spectrum and even today, we had an incident occur in which we were asked to leave the premises, even though he wasn’t the one that threw punches or was involved in the start of the fracas, his reaction to the events in front of him is not what “normal” kids do at his age. And that reaction drew far more attention, in a distracting manner, than the three kids literally throwing punches. From a career standpoint, I am at a crossroads right now. With some opportunities I can consider or remain where I am. I can’t say for certain where dh and I will be or if we’ll be but that’s on me and where I’m at on my own journey. In five years, one of the charities that I volunteer for should be rolling into their 5-year development plan and the business plan and communication cadence that I co-designed last year will have been key in getting them this far. I would hope that he and I are still in one another’s lives in parallel to our every day real lives. I would hope.
the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.
especially since I also follow many blogs, maybe too many *nsfw* type of blogs but sometimes, when he sends me links to blogs he thinks i would like, it confuses me. and admittedly, it makes me a tad jealous. it shouldn’t, the well educated, rational woman in me knows this but i can’t seem to help it.
mostly because while the writing and the stories are salacious and all sorts of sexy good, they are also very similar in nature in terms of multiple partners or participating in the hotwife lifestyle. i am so not a swinger nor am i a hotwife (though i guess since we are not married to one another it would be hotwomanontheside?!). i have body image issues that plays about my mind and it’s only with him that I’ve enjoyed a certain liberty from those pressures. but truthfully, as I’ve stated earlier in this blog and on my previous blog that i’m moving from another platform, i am not a multiple partner kind of person. nor do i judge those that are. when i set about this journey, i thought i was going to have several fwb or even nsa sex partners. there was even a week very early on after meeting him that i had three other dates lined up and i had sex (always protected) with two other men. and i knew then that i wasn’t cut out for that. i need connection, no matter how horny and lustful i am.
he hasn’t shared many blogs with me, but he has shared enough that makes me wonder if he wants me indulge in that fantasy with him? i for one know that i could never share him with another woman, the typical guy fantasy of FMF because my time with him is so limited in the first place, i don’t know that my heart could take watching him with someone else. and while he has never asked me to be exclusive to him, it’s my choice and it’s my nature. just a random musing on how my mind thinks. i really want to see him. this separation will be the longest between our moments together, almost 21 weeks.
must be one of those days. limited contact the last few days due to his travel and my meeting schedule. today was the first day where we had 90-minutes of virtual time, most of which is just keeping one another company whilst online and we’re working in our respective offices 3000 miles apart.
i was hungry for the interaction. feeling nauseous from the chemo, a bit lonely and tired. informed me that he’s taking another overseas trip in april during the time we were trying to plan a trip to meet on the west coast. of course work comes first, he knows that. i know that. but it doesn’t mean it didn’t sting a bit. and then he had to go, suddenly which means that his bride was in the office today. and the goodbye is cold and perfunctory. *sigh* i get it, i just don’t like it. not today of all days.