will never be mine

missing what isn’t mine

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 6 February 14
Posted in: married long distance lovers, missing him, my choice, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , , . 4 Comments

every atom of me missed himit’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially  over the last 8 months or so.

however, they are officially empty nester’s now. all three kids are off at college, all in state and close enough to pop home, but for the most part the kids don’t live at home whilst school is in session. which means that his bride is by his side constantly, WHICH IS HER RIGHTFUL PLACE (i know this!-for those anon’s out there that think i believe i’m entitled to him or his time). which means that we don’t get our good night chat as often as we did before the start of the winter semester. normally, it’s been ok but as i was explaining to another blogger earlier, this last round of chemo seems to be impacting my emotional balance more than it ever has in the past and today, well today i just miss him that much more.

taste

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 3 February 14
Posted in: cheating, happiness, longing, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , . 2 Comments

i want to taste you again like a secret or a sin

there is something about him that i can’t get enough of. it’s not the sex, although to be very clear, he is my ideal sexual partner. there is no doubt about the aphrodisiac that is called desire. the desire that someone else has for you that fuels that flame. it’s as if with every kiss or touch or taste instead of quenching my thirst i literally ache for more.

i am deathly allergic to cats, specifically feline dander and their chemical makeup. as i’ve gotten older, my olfactory sensitivities has increased. certain smells that used to annoy me can literally floor me and make me nauseous and cologne that i used to love on men make me sneeze. a few things about him that i appreciated from the get-go included:

  • he doesn’t wear jewelry. he wears a modest watch and his wedding ring. i’ve never been a jewelry kind of gal, i only wear my engagement and wedding rings and only out. i’ve always taken them off when i get home from work and put them away. but as much as i dislike jewelry on myself, i don’t like it on men. no thick chains, or link bracelets or pinky rings etc. i don’t know where that comes from but i do recall it starting when i was very young.
  • he is clean. i don’t mean antiseptic like, but he has a “scrubbed” clean look about him. while he indulges in micro-brews and the occasional gin & tonics, he has never smoked a day in his life nor tried drugs of any kind. so his skin is remarkably clear and his complexion is aging nicely so to speak.
  • he keeps his nails trimmed and short. i keep my own nails manicured and short out of preference and what looks good on me. but if a man, especially one that has a job that doesn’t involve construction or working with their hands, has long fingernails (let alone toe nails) it grosses me out. i am sure it’s because i had a neighbor when i was in elementary school that was a bit of a hermit and while he was very well put together, he kept his nails long and dirty. i still convulse a little when i think of mr. cedergren.
  • he doesn’t wear cologne, of any kind. he has a fresh clean smell about him, that freshly scrubbed smell that even when he works up a sweat or i greet him at the end of his day is just a mixture of him. and i crave that scent. inhaling all that is him.
  • the taste of his skin. is lightly salty and his lips are soft and kissing him. tasting him is the way i imagine kissing fresh rain would taste like if you could kiss the rain on a spring morning.
  • his taste is intoxicating. it’s uniquely him. it’s what i crave.

 

long before we ever met

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 2 February 14
Posted in: cheating, email exchange, emotional intelligence and relationships, married long distance lovers, mutual admiration society of 2, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

00 overuse your intellect before we met we exchanged a flurry of emails that started as witty banter and escalated in to a battle of words. words that demonstrated our imaginations and then our extensive vocabularies and then a truce.

ok, we said. let’s keep “chatting” over email because it was fun. it was nice to correspond with someone that had a sense of humor, broad knowledge on a range of topics and asked questions about my life, my interests, my family.

when it became clear that i was intrigued by this smart, well written man i agreed to meet him the next time he was out my way. a change in his schedule as he was in the air almost prevented the meeting from taking place.

when he walked into the lobby of the building, i will never forget the way i knew it was him before even turning my head. my body was abuzz and every fiber was on alert. then i heard his voice and it was the voice i made up in my head when i read his emails leading up to our meeting. what i wasn’t prepared for was the jolt that ran through me when we shook hands. the minutes flew by, chatting, laughing and conversing as if we had known one another a long time. he walked me to my car and we said good bye. the only physical touch was that handshake. but he was in my head long before that.

it’s a layover in the journey

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 1 February 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, random, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

it’s interesting this blogosphere isn’t it? you find blogs, devour them, feel as if you know or have a kinship with them. whether they are on opposite sides of whatever fence you are on the other side of. sometimes, they disappear, blogging is a personal matter and unless it’s how you earn your living it isn’t always easy to post often. sometimes, the impetus to start a blog in the first place has passed or perhaps they are just done.

in the last few days some of those that i follow religiously are moving through stages in their own story/journey each with aspects of letting go. whether it’s letting go of a lover, feelings, something in their past or immediate present. in even a few words, one can move me to tears while another inspires me with her strength to face whatever it may be when she returns to work on Monday. and others, others, speak to me in their yearning and longing to be desired, wanted, valued. to know they matter. we all matter. that’s just it. we. all. matter.

this week has been a week of ups and downs, as many of them are. the chemo treatment went as planned, the ensuing physical and emotional reaction wasn’t. while he and i didn’t get to interact much as we usually do each work day, he made sure to call my voicemail when he got to his office and leave me a morning message. the gesture alone warmed me. that it has been daily, and yes, surprise, even this morning (a Saturday morning at that) touches me in a way that i can’t explain. work continues to push and challenge me, this large-scale organizational change is pushing all of us. out of the blue, a congratulations message to a former client last week resulted in a phone interview and now I’m headed out-of-state for an interview in a week, I’m terrified. I’m lucky, i have a job i love and yet the potential opportunity with this new employer could be life changing. and i am scared at the thought of letting go of everything i know. of the potential reality that i just might walk away from the company i love, that is interwoven in who i am, the place that provided comfort and shelter in a way i didn’t know i was missing here at home. the thought of interviewing is daunting, as i haven’t interviewed externally for over 11-years. darling husband has suddenly decided that i have to decide. i have to decide if the sex life (or lack thereof) and level if intimacy that we have is enough because he’s tired of me wanting him to see a counselor, tired of me trying to have discussions with him when he just wants us to be the way we were before. when it was okay that we only had sex once every few months. when i didn’t “want” anything more. truthfully, if i change the status of my marriage, then i change he and i. i would have to because the balance would change and that isn’t fair to him. and so i realize that we are all on these journey’s and at every stage there is some letting go that has to happen.

 

 

how do you sin?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 28 January 14
Posted in: cheating, email exchange, haters, married long distance lovers, posts i write but typically don't post, real life, sinners, will never be mine. 26 Comments

sin differently

while I am not surprised, I will admit that I expected the “hater’s” to be most vocal over on Tumblr. In hindsight, what I failed to recognize is that the audience on Tumblr is varied from very young in terms of maturity (and even age at some point) to those only seeking the salacious and then those in mid-life that see it as a creative outlet with some anonymity to express desires etc. And everything in-between.

When I decided to start blogging over here on WordPress, with the intent to be able to ramble on about him, my feelings, the emotional upheaval and awakenings as well as the conflicts, ache etc. I decided that in order to be genuine and authentic to what I was trying to achieve, I would not make this anonymous or private. I’d put this out on the inter-webs for anyone to stumble upon. Knowing full well, that as folks found this, they would have an opinion. One way or another. I expected it. This topic, of a relationship outside of marriage that isn’t an open marriage, a swinging marriage, or a polyamorous one is definitely a polarizing topic. Especially for those that have not lived in either of the other’s shoes (the Wife and or the Other Woman and quite frankly the Cheater) or those that have an opinion because it touched some aspect of their lives or perhaps they were like the me that was so righteous and judgmental whereas a betrayal is a betrayal regardless of circumstances or context.

I get it. I really do. In the last three days I have had more comments come through all starting with my original posting about saying “i love you”. I am only surprised because of all of the posts, though admittedly not that many of them, it was the “i love you” that’s brought out the lurking haters if you will.  I don’t hide from the comments or the opinions, but I can decide what I will publish and who I will respond to privately or on this blog. I will not allow you to vilify those that read this blog in search of answers, whether they are The Wife, the Other Woman, someone looking for some salacious retellings (visit my Tumblr or the Nocturnal Notions link)  or someone that stumbled upon here by accident. Lest you think I am flaunting my cheating, you are wrong. Am I venting, talking out loud about a place I didn’t expect to be, a love, in whatever context it may be that is very real to me and my own journey to what will be a conclusion that isn’t predicated on a dream of he and I being together in a marriage? yes.

Everyone sins, and everyone sins differently. I look in the mirror everyday and point my finger at the person looking back at me.  I suggest that those of you who’ve sent some of the most hateful and ignorant messages I’ve received to date,  do the same.

i don’t know what it is

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 17 January 14
Posted in: compartmentalization, fantasy vs real life, long distance affair, married lovers, mixed bag of emotions, random, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , , . 2 Comments

especially since I also follow many blogs, maybe too many *nsfw* type of blogs but sometimes, when he sends me links to blogs he thinks i would like, it confuses me. and admittedly, it makes me a tad jealous. it shouldn’t, the well educated, rational woman in me knows this but i can’t seem to help it.

mostly because while the writing and the stories are salacious and all sorts of sexy good, they are also very similar in nature in terms of multiple partners or participating in the hotwife lifestyle. i am so not a swinger nor am i a hotwife (though i guess since we are not married to one another it would be hotwomanontheside?!). i have body image issues that plays about my mind and it’s only with him that I’ve enjoyed a certain liberty from those pressures. but truthfully, as I’ve stated earlier in this blog and on my previous blog that i’m moving from another platform, i am not a multiple partner kind of person. nor do i judge those that are. when i set about this journey, i thought i was going to have several fwb or even nsa sex partners. there was even a week very early on after meeting him that i had three other dates lined up and i had sex (always protected) with two other men. and i knew then that i wasn’t cut out for that. i need connection, no matter how horny and lustful i am.

not me

he hasn’t shared many blogs with me, but he has shared enough that makes me wonder if he wants me indulge in that fantasy with him? i for one know that i could never share him with another woman, the typical guy fantasy of FMF because my time with him is so limited in the first place, i don’t know that my heart could take watching him with someone else. and while he has never asked me to be exclusive to him, it’s my choice and it’s my nature. just a random musing on how my mind thinks. i really want to see him. this separation will be the longest between our moments together, almost 21 weeks.

one step forward two steps back

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 12 January 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, long distance affair, longing, married lovers, missing him, real life, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

i wonder if you realize how confused you make me feel

distance may indeed be a good governor, but it’s a crappy thing for someone like myself that thrives on connection and communication. even more so when we can’t interact freely and the intervals between our next time together is so great. this current separation is the longest yet. if indeed i travel as planned to a conference i’m attending on the east cost, it will have been 21 weeks since we were last together in real life. that is almost half a year!

i’m heartsick at the thought of not being able to travel. the surgery to remove the tumors was on 12/27 for all intents and purposes it was a success in terms of removal. however on thursday i learned they are malignant with a less than average prognosis. i start treatment tomorrow and there is a very real possibility i will be “grounded” depending on how my body reacts.

he insists i do whatever i need to do to fight this, even if it means delaying travel plans and that he will find a way to visit clients and customers out this way instead. and this is where my over thinking and self doubt comes in. will he? would he really find a way to come and see me if i can’t travel? crazy as it seems, i need to know this-it makes facing treatment that much easier.