during counseling today i was stunned into silence when the counselor looked at me, then at darling husband, back at me before turning to face darling husband and said “you can’t fault her for finally choosing herself when she has always put you first. always. her choice, whether right or wrong, was still her choice and you chose to ignore her for so long that to raise an objection now is your issue. not hers. we are here to deal with each of these separately as they impact your relationship. but until you can see, not agree, but see things from her perspective, you won’t move forward.” huh…still processing.
dh and i had another counseling session the other day and our therapist said something similar to this and then looked quite pointedly at him and said: “dh this is what i mean about meeting at least half way…” to which he replied “why? it was just fine the way it’s been. before she started to get “more comfortable” [using air quotes] with being fat and unhappy with the frequency of sex etc.”
*sigh* this is going to be a long haul because he doesn’t get it isn’t just about sex. not in a long shot.
on the flip side. this week he and i have had very limited contact and none in “real time” as i was supposed to be in nyc attending a conference in which yes, i was going to be able to see him for a bit each day. it’s been hard as connection is vital for me. he knows this. and leaves me hello and goodnight messages via email which means more to me than it probably should.
the upside: dh and i continue to work through counseling and while there hasn’t been much progress yet, we are still in there trying to figure things out. the kids have remained shielded from most of it because dh and i mutually agreed to work through our conversations away from family time.
he and i connect in little ways making me believe that when the time comes, as it is upon us sooner rather than later, the transition from an us to a new version of distant friends might not be as difficult as it can be.
perhaps this is what my dh means. i do have a new perspective, i no longer care that he just wants us to go back to they way things have always been. i have a new mindset and i am willing to say that it’s not okay anymore. that we should have a relationship that is full, complete and whole. that i no longer care to continue if he can’t make changes. or perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle…
may be last entry for awhile landed in NYC only to talk to dh and turn around and barely make the return flight home. not sure of how to handle the shitstorm that’s sure to be coming other than head on, honestly and with all the strength I can to remain healthy and emotionally whole.
I can’t deny that to be so close to seeing him again, to kiss him to find solace in his arms before we say goodbye and then not to hurts my core more than it should.
Monday was my second round of chemo and after a particularly trying weekend with DH and the incident in which our youngest had to leave, my body was a bit run down and my reaction wasn’t as great as it’s been in the past. Besides the general fatigue that can befall one in these situations, or most medical situations, I was having trouble keeping food down accompanied by a low grade headache.
It was also a massively busy day at work and he and I were limited in our interactions with one another. typically, we don’t call one another outside of the work environment, cell phones are easy to track numbers and frankly, outside of work hours, we are usually with our families. He must have known I wasn’t at 100% because on my way home from the office Monday night he called me unexpectedly at 7:00pm PDT-I answered because I was in my car alone. Turns out he was out helping friends move into their new home and he was alone in his car. Knowing that I was on his mind enough at 10:00pm EDT to have him call me to check on my spirits as well as if I was able to eat was unexpected and sweet. It was a quick chat as his brother was about to get in the car, but it was a lovely chat at that. And it made me sad, not because he called but because it struck a chord that darling husband hadn’t checked on me all day. When I got home I asked dh if he wanted to know how my chemo treatment went and of course, I got the light kiss on the forehead as if dismissing a child accompanied by “everyone knows you’re too strong and too stubborn to die McKenzie, I’m sure you were fine and if you weren’t you would have called me.” huh…
I didn’t sleep well last night. Tossed and turned and spent a couple of time cursing at the porcelain goddess. I was exhausted and in that state I dreamt that he called me in the middle of the night. Just so I could hear his voice telling me to imagine him kissing me, holding me close and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. it was such a real dream that I woke up moist. imagine my surprise when I looked at my phone, in the spot near my side of the bed where I leave it with a missed call from him at 4:10am pdt. and a second call that was answered at 4:16am pdt…I didn’t dream of his voice afterall. he actually called and whispered in my ear for 10-minutes as I fell back asleep with my headphones in my ears and a sigh the only sound (according to him) that spilled from my lips.
must be one of those days. limited contact the last few days due to his travel and my meeting schedule. today was the first day where we had 90-minutes of virtual time, most of which is just keeping one another company whilst online and we’re working in our respective offices 3000 miles apart.
i was hungry for the interaction. feeling nauseous from the chemo, a bit lonely and tired. informed me that he’s taking another overseas trip in april during the time we were trying to plan a trip to meet on the west coast. of course work comes first, he knows that. i know that. but it doesn’t mean it didn’t sting a bit. and then he had to go, suddenly which means that his bride was in the office today. and the goodbye is cold and perfunctory. *sigh* i get it, i just don’t like it. not today of all days.