of feelings today. and right now, at this very moment i am unbelievably sad. that is all.
it’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially over the last 8 months or so.
however, they are officially empty nester’s now. all three kids are off at college, all in state and close enough to pop home, but for the most part the kids don’t live at home whilst school is in session. which means that his bride is by his side constantly, WHICH IS HER RIGHTFUL PLACE (i know this!-for those anon’s out there that think i believe i’m entitled to him or his time). which means that we don’t get our good night chat as often as we did before the start of the winter semester. normally, it’s been ok but as i was explaining to another blogger earlier, this last round of chemo seems to be impacting my emotional balance more than it ever has in the past and today, well today i just miss him that much more.
there is something about him that i can’t get enough of. it’s not the sex, although to be very clear, he is my ideal sexual partner. there is no doubt about the aphrodisiac that is called desire. the desire that someone else has for you that fuels that flame. it’s as if with every kiss or touch or taste instead of quenching my thirst i literally ache for more.
i am deathly allergic to cats, specifically feline dander and their chemical makeup. as i’ve gotten older, my olfactory sensitivities has increased. certain smells that used to annoy me can literally floor me and make me nauseous and cologne that i used to love on men make me sneeze. a few things about him that i appreciated from the get-go included:
- he doesn’t wear jewelry. he wears a modest watch and his wedding ring. i’ve never been a jewelry kind of gal, i only wear my engagement and wedding rings and only out. i’ve always taken them off when i get home from work and put them away. but as much as i dislike jewelry on myself, i don’t like it on men. no thick chains, or link bracelets or pinky rings etc. i don’t know where that comes from but i do recall it starting when i was very young.
- he is clean. i don’t mean antiseptic like, but he has a “scrubbed” clean look about him. while he indulges in micro-brews and the occasional gin & tonics, he has never smoked a day in his life nor tried drugs of any kind. so his skin is remarkably clear and his complexion is aging nicely so to speak.
- he keeps his nails trimmed and short. i keep my own nails manicured and short out of preference and what looks good on me. but if a man, especially one that has a job that doesn’t involve construction or working with their hands, has long fingernails (let alone toe nails) it grosses me out. i am sure it’s because i had a neighbor when i was in elementary school that was a bit of a hermit and while he was very well put together, he kept his nails long and dirty. i still convulse a little when i think of mr. cedergren.
- he doesn’t wear cologne, of any kind. he has a fresh clean smell about him, that freshly scrubbed smell that even when he works up a sweat or i greet him at the end of his day is just a mixture of him. and i crave that scent. inhaling all that is him.
- the taste of his skin. is lightly salty and his lips are soft and kissing him. tasting him is the way i imagine kissing fresh rain would taste like if you could kiss the rain on a spring morning.
- his taste is intoxicating. it’s uniquely him. it’s what i crave.
before we met we exchanged a flurry of emails that started as witty banter and escalated in to a battle of words. words that demonstrated our imaginations and then our extensive vocabularies and then a truce.
ok, we said. let’s keep “chatting” over email because it was fun. it was nice to correspond with someone that had a sense of humor, broad knowledge on a range of topics and asked questions about my life, my interests, my family.
when it became clear that i was intrigued by this smart, well written man i agreed to meet him the next time he was out my way. a change in his schedule as he was in the air almost prevented the meeting from taking place.
when he walked into the lobby of the building, i will never forget the way i knew it was him before even turning my head. my body was abuzz and every fiber was on alert. then i heard his voice and it was the voice i made up in my head when i read his emails leading up to our meeting. what i wasn’t prepared for was the jolt that ran through me when we shook hands. the minutes flew by, chatting, laughing and conversing as if we had known one another a long time. he walked me to my car and we said good bye. the only physical touch was that handshake. but he was in my head long before that.
Monday was my second round of chemo and after a particularly trying weekend with DH and the incident in which our youngest had to leave, my body was a bit run down and my reaction wasn’t as great as it’s been in the past. Besides the general fatigue that can befall one in these situations, or most medical situations, I was having trouble keeping food down accompanied by a low grade headache.
It was also a massively busy day at work and he and I were limited in our interactions with one another. typically, we don’t call one another outside of the work environment, cell phones are easy to track numbers and frankly, outside of work hours, we are usually with our families. He must have known I wasn’t at 100% because on my way home from the office Monday night he called me unexpectedly at 7:00pm PDT-I answered because I was in my car alone. Turns out he was out helping friends move into their new home and he was alone in his car. Knowing that I was on his mind enough at 10:00pm EDT to have him call me to check on my spirits as well as if I was able to eat was unexpected and sweet. It was a quick chat as his brother was about to get in the car, but it was a lovely chat at that. And it made me sad, not because he called but because it struck a chord that darling husband hadn’t checked on me all day. When I got home I asked dh if he wanted to know how my chemo treatment went and of course, I got the light kiss on the forehead as if dismissing a child accompanied by “everyone knows you’re too strong and too stubborn to die McKenzie, I’m sure you were fine and if you weren’t you would have called me.” huh…
I didn’t sleep well last night. Tossed and turned and spent a couple of time cursing at the porcelain goddess. I was exhausted and in that state I dreamt that he called me in the middle of the night. Just so I could hear his voice telling me to imagine him kissing me, holding me close and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. it was such a real dream that I woke up moist. imagine my surprise when I looked at my phone, in the spot near my side of the bed where I leave it with a missed call from him at 4:10am pdt. and a second call that was answered at 4:16am pdt…I didn’t dream of his voice afterall. he actually called and whispered in my ear for 10-minutes as I fell back asleep with my headphones in my ears and a sigh the only sound (according to him) that spilled from my lips.