dreamt of his voice

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 29 January 14
Posted in: emotional intelligence and relationships, married long distance lovers, nocturnal notions, real life. Tagged: , , , , . 3 Comments

asleep with phoneMonday was my second round of chemo and after a particularly trying weekend with DH and the incident in which our youngest had to leave, my body was a bit run down and my reaction wasn’t as great as it’s been in the past. Besides the general fatigue that can befall one in these situations, or most medical situations, I was having trouble keeping food down accompanied by a low grade headache.

It was also a massively busy day at work and he and I were limited in our interactions with one another. typically, we don’t call one another outside of the work environment, cell phones are easy to track numbers and frankly, outside of work hours, we are usually with our families. He must have known I wasn’t at 100% because on my way home from the office Monday night he called me unexpectedly at 7:00pm PDT-I answered because I was in my car alone. Turns out he was out helping friends move into their new home and he was alone in his car. Knowing that I was on his mind enough at 10:00pm EDT to have him call me to check on my spirits as well as if I was able to eat was unexpected and sweet. It was a quick chat as his brother was about to get in the car, but it was a lovely chat at that. And it made me sad, not because he called but because it struck a chord that darling husband hadn’t checked on me all day. When I got home I asked dh if he wanted to know how my chemo treatment went and of course, I got the light kiss on the forehead as if dismissing a child accompanied by “everyone knows you’re too strong and too stubborn to die McKenzie, I’m sure you were fine and if you weren’t you would have called me.” huh…

I didn’t sleep well last night. Tossed and turned and spent a couple of time cursing at the porcelain goddess. I was exhausted and in that state I dreamt that he called me in the middle of the night. Just so I could hear his voice telling me to imagine him kissing me, holding me close and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. it was such a real dream that I woke up moist. imagine my surprise when I looked at my phone, in the spot near my side of the bed where I leave it with a missed call from him at 4:10am pdt. and a second call that was answered at 4:16am pdt…I didn’t dream of his voice afterall. he actually called and whispered in my ear for 10-minutes as I fell back asleep with my headphones in my ears and a sigh the only sound (according to him) that spilled from my lips.

how do you sin?

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 28 January 14
Posted in: cheating, email exchange, haters, married long distance lovers, posts i write but typically don't post, real life, sinners, will never be mine. 26 Comments

sin differently

while I am not surprised, I will admit that I expected the “hater’s” to be most vocal over on Tumblr. In hindsight, what I failed to recognize is that the audience on Tumblr is varied from very young in terms of maturity (and even age at some point) to those only seeking the salacious and then those in mid-life that see it as a creative outlet with some anonymity to express desires etc. And everything in-between.

When I decided to start blogging over here on WordPress, with the intent to be able to ramble on about him, my feelings, the emotional upheaval and awakenings as well as the conflicts, ache etc. I decided that in order to be genuine and authentic to what I was trying to achieve, I would not make this anonymous or private. I’d put this out on the inter-webs for anyone to stumble upon. Knowing full well, that as folks found this, they would have an opinion. One way or another. I expected it. This topic, of a relationship outside of marriage that isn’t an open marriage, a swinging marriage, or a polyamorous one is definitely a polarizing topic. Especially for those that have not lived in either of the other’s shoes (the Wife and or the Other Woman and quite frankly the Cheater) or those that have an opinion because it touched some aspect of their lives or perhaps they were like the me that was so righteous and judgmental whereas a betrayal is a betrayal regardless of circumstances or context.

I get it. I really do. In the last three days I have had more comments come through all starting with my original posting about saying “i love you”. I am only surprised because of all of the posts, though admittedly not that many of them, it was the “i love you” that’s brought out the lurking haters if you will.  I don’t hide from the comments or the opinions, but I can decide what I will publish and who I will respond to privately or on this blog. I will not allow you to vilify those that read this blog in search of answers, whether they are The Wife, the Other Woman, someone looking for some salacious retellings (visit my Tumblr or the Nocturnal Notions link)  or someone that stumbled upon here by accident. Lest you think I am flaunting my cheating, you are wrong. Am I venting, talking out loud about a place I didn’t expect to be, a love, in whatever context it may be that is very real to me and my own journey to what will be a conclusion that isn’t predicated on a dream of he and I being together in a marriage? yes.

Everyone sins, and everyone sins differently. I look in the mirror everyday and point my finger at the person looking back at me.  I suggest that those of you who’ve sent some of the most hateful and ignorant messages I’ve received to date,  do the same.

30-day blogging challenge: day 15 – where will you be in 5 years

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 27 January 14
Posted in: random, real life. Tagged: , . Leave a comment

30-day-15

I have absolutely no clue. None. Ok, that’s not fair. In my everyday real life, according to traditional standards and expectations (as if everything goes by plan) I should be preparing from my oldest’s graduation from college and prepping for my youngest to be graduating from high school. Of course, given my baby is on the spectrum and even today, we had an incident occur in which we were asked to leave the premises, even though he wasn’t the one that threw punches or was involved in the start of the fracas, his reaction to the events in front of him is not what “normal” kids do at his age. And that reaction drew far more attention, in a distracting manner, than the three kids literally throwing punches.  From a career standpoint, I am at a crossroads right now. With some opportunities I can consider or remain where I am. I can’t say for certain where dh and I will be or if we’ll be but that’s on me and where I’m at on my own journey. In five years, one of the charities that I volunteer for should be rolling into their 5-year development plan and the business plan and communication cadence that I co-designed last year will have been key in getting them this far. I would hope that he and I are still in one another’s lives in parallel to our every day real lives. I would hope.

scenario a.k.a. random musing whilst pms’ng and facing the weekend

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 18 January 14
Posted in: long distance affair, married lovers, mixed bag of emotions, mutual admiration society of 2, random, real life, right person wrong time, traveling. Tagged: , , , .

one-day-poster the reality of our mutual admiration society is one in which we are buoys in one another’s harbors of real life. truthfully, when we met and embarked on what was to be the fwb ideal, he was traveling to the west coast, specifically my area, roughly every 3-4 months. and he did return, two months later for a few days and then all sorts of real life changed the face of his clients, the areas in which he traveled and worse of all, his personal life was dealt a blow that impacted his bride and he had to focus elsewhere. we muddled through, with several weeks where he went dark, i was confused and being inexperienced and naïve, didn’t understand when he compartmentalizes, it’s a complete shut off of communication of any kind. and yet we reconnected (ok, ok if you ask him, he doesn’t think he went dark, really, and there was never a doubt we would reconnect) and by the fall of that first year, as he was balancing the challenges in his real life, he proved to be a good friend and companion, virtually, when a medical crisis imploded within my own family. even though weeks had gone by, almost 18, i was more connected than ever. and when we met that year, it was as if we weren’t apart. last year, we were fortunate to see one another on a steady cadence, more importantly we knew when we would see each other again. While I wouldn’t trade those times together, I know myself well enough to know that i was going to miss him. Terribly so. And each separation is harder than the next. I provide this rambling for context. You see, traveling to meet one another, on the cadence of his business travel or when i can travel on business out his way, isn’t sustainable. In his line of work, more and more of the client interactions can be done online, via Skype or virtual meetings, and the cost savings are too great to ignore. And so I wonder, will we fall into a Same Time Next Year or One Day cadence? Will that be enough for him? The bigger question is will I be able to live with and accept that as a new reality? Will I be able to reconcile that he will likely, if he doesn’t already, have a local “lady friend” and of course his bride? Or, as I become reflective and even more contemplative as of late, will we simply come to an end of the road? i too wish for the happy ending, mine just looks different than most, in that it would be to be together, in parallel to our real lives, for as long as possible. if even for those moments strung together once a year.

i think you have me mistaken for someone else

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 17 January 14
Posted in: real life. 6 Comments

Torn-Between-Two-Loversfriends. interesting concept as you get older, in my opinion. then of course, there are frenemies, and don’t tell me you don’t know what i’m talking about. because i have spent most of my life in the company of the male gender, and can attest to being a tomboy well into adulthood, i am much more comfortable socializing, working and sharing with guys. platonically. i’ve always had girlfriends as well but my comfort level and where i felt most like myself was with the guys. and in looking back, my biggest heartache or betrayals were at the hands of women friends. i say this because some of the anonymous comments and messages that have come my way via this blog and frankly, even my tumblr have been the usual hate messages one would expect when you put yourself out there. not just the haters, but those that want to make sure i know that i am a whore, a slut, a cheater, the karma is a bitch, or the “you think you are so different and won’t do it again when you and your long distance guy end things. but you watch, you whores are all the same and you’ll end up stealing one of your friend’s husbands!”-wow, bitter much?!

can i say unequivocally that if and when he and i end i won’t someday seek a relationship out side of my marriage again? no i cannot. what i can say, as i have repeatedly, is that this isn’t a relationship or a situation i entered into lightly. it wasn’t supposed to be a relationship. my heart cannot do this again. i can’t envision it, or imagine it.

as for the comments about being a cheap whore, slut, tramp etc. that probably throws my cleavage about and wear’s high heeled shoes with jeans or go without a bra in flimsy t-shirt. omfg, lol-so, if you haven’t learned anything from reading my posts, or the about me or visiting my tumblr. i am confident i don’t give off a “vibe”. i am your average, under the radar, overweight, middle aged, soccer mom. so much so that i have had men and women alike tell me that it’s so nice they don’t have to compete with me because i am so not a “threat”. my daily uniform, even at work, is typically a pair of chucks, jeans, t-shirt or sweater topped off with a fleece jacket. on wet days i add a north face rain shell.

look, i am not mocking all of you that have sent me numerous messages. i get it. i do. but stand in line because if any of you think i don’t think about the implications of being in love with and sexually involved with another person, let alone a married person, whilst still married, then you would be wrong. do i have guilt about seeking what i am missing? no i don’t. i do have guilt for not feeling guilt but that’s another matter entirely.

i don’t know what it is

Posted by ismeisreallyme on 17 January 14
Posted in: compartmentalization, fantasy vs real life, long distance affair, married lovers, mixed bag of emotions, random, will never be mine. Tagged: , , , , , . 2 Comments

especially since I also follow many blogs, maybe too many *nsfw* type of blogs but sometimes, when he sends me links to blogs he thinks i would like, it confuses me. and admittedly, it makes me a tad jealous. it shouldn’t, the well educated, rational woman in me knows this but i can’t seem to help it.

mostly because while the writing and the stories are salacious and all sorts of sexy good, they are also very similar in nature in terms of multiple partners or participating in the hotwife lifestyle. i am so not a swinger nor am i a hotwife (though i guess since we are not married to one another it would be hotwomanontheside?!). i have body image issues that plays about my mind and it’s only with him that I’ve enjoyed a certain liberty from those pressures. but truthfully, as I’ve stated earlier in this blog and on my previous blog that i’m moving from another platform, i am not a multiple partner kind of person. nor do i judge those that are. when i set about this journey, i thought i was going to have several fwb or even nsa sex partners. there was even a week very early on after meeting him that i had three other dates lined up and i had sex (always protected) with two other men. and i knew then that i wasn’t cut out for that. i need connection, no matter how horny and lustful i am.

not me

he hasn’t shared many blogs with me, but he has shared enough that makes me wonder if he wants me indulge in that fantasy with him? i for one know that i could never share him with another woman, the typical guy fantasy of FMF because my time with him is so limited in the first place, i don’t know that my heart could take watching him with someone else. and while he has never asked me to be exclusive to him, it’s my choice and it’s my nature. just a random musing on how my mind thinks. i really want to see him. this separation will be the longest between our moments together, almost 21 weeks.