on my mind this gorgeous morning here today. happy thursday – conquer your day or at least, try to!
missing him
it’s true. as cliché as it is, i ache for him. it’s palpable. we aren’t connecting much this week. work for me is beyond nuts and with our time difference, if i’m not online by lunch my time, we can only keep one another company virtually for an hour or so before he leaves to start his evenings. one thing that i’ve come to look forward to most of all is those few minutes each night, except the weekends of course, the 10 maybe 15 minutes we have (virtually) around 11:0pm edt. it’s just a check in and a good night interaction via gchat. it’s a little thing but something that i’ve come to cherish, especially over the last 8 months or so.
however, they are officially empty nester’s now. all three kids are off at college, all in state and close enough to pop home, but for the most part the kids don’t live at home whilst school is in session. which means that his bride is by his side constantly, WHICH IS HER RIGHTFUL PLACE (i know this!-for those anon’s out there that think i believe i’m entitled to him or his time). which means that we don’t get our good night chat as often as we did before the start of the winter semester. normally, it’s been ok but as i was explaining to another blogger earlier, this last round of chemo seems to be impacting my emotional balance more than it ever has in the past and today, well today i just miss him that much more.
must be one of those days. limited contact the last few days due to his travel and my meeting schedule. today was the first day where we had 90-minutes of virtual time, most of which is just keeping one another company whilst online and we’re working in our respective offices 3000 miles apart.
i was hungry for the interaction. feeling nauseous from the chemo, a bit lonely and tired. informed me that he’s taking another overseas trip in april during the time we were trying to plan a trip to meet on the west coast. of course work comes first, he knows that. i know that. but it doesn’t mean it didn’t sting a bit. and then he had to go, suddenly which means that his bride was in the office today. and the goodbye is cold and perfunctory. *sigh* i get it, i just don’t like it. not today of all days.
I don’t know if it’s because of my reading material lately; blogs, books, magazine articles, what not. but I have been thinking about good-bye a lot. Maybe it’s the cancer talking, I don’t know. I know that when I read fellow bloggers posts’ I am right there with them as they document their feelings; raw and real.
Maybe it’s because our current separation, 17-weeks and counting, was preceded by moments together every 2-weeks over the course of three months. Maybe it’s because, by all accounts; his recounting his history and my overactive mind; while he has had 7 lovers outside of his marrage (i’m #7) they’ve all been relatively “long-term” given the nature/start of the relationship. And I can’t help but wonder if my expiration date is coming soon? I mean, when we started, he was still traveling to my side of the country (ok, ok, to my city) about every 2-months. Then his industry took a bit of a hit and the clients and customers he has out here weren’t needing his attention as much as the clients in the states surrounding his. So how long will I be the “flavor”? How long until our distance and the inconsistent, infrequency of moments in real life isn’t enough?
Just random musings playing about my head…
i miss his weight upon me. the safety of just being. i miss. him.
distance may indeed be a good governor, but it’s a crappy thing for someone like myself that thrives on connection and communication. even more so when we can’t interact freely and the intervals between our next time together is so great. this current separation is the longest yet. if indeed i travel as planned to a conference i’m attending on the east cost, it will have been 21 weeks since we were last together in real life. that is almost half a year!
i’m heartsick at the thought of not being able to travel. the surgery to remove the tumors was on 12/27 for all intents and purposes it was a success in terms of removal. however on thursday i learned they are malignant with a less than average prognosis. i start treatment tomorrow and there is a very real possibility i will be “grounded” depending on how my body reacts.
he insists i do whatever i need to do to fight this, even if it means delaying travel plans and that he will find a way to visit clients and customers out this way instead. and this is where my over thinking and self doubt comes in. will he? would he really find a way to come and see me if i can’t travel? crazy as it seems, i need to know this-it makes facing treatment that much easier.
while he doesn’t how to find this blog, he does lurk anonymously on my nsfw secret identity tumblr. i’m never sure if he follows everyday or some days but he definitely mentions specific tumbles. being in a long distance relationship is difficult to be sure, though when it is not a “secret” one can call, text or generally reach out to one another whenever they want. not so when it is an affair. ever. but especially during non-work hours or events. weekends, evenings after 5:30, holidays etc. ironically, as much as i long to see him, enjoy a meal with him and be able to reach out and touch his beard-the cadence of long distance works for our mutually, over-scheduled lives. I’ve posted before about his ability to compartmentalize and hyper focus with no communication for days and even weeks at a time was problematic for me. And how my ability to blend and my need for connection on a daily basis made him nervous and our first six months was a lesson in pushing through communication and giving one another space to find a way to meet in the proverbial middle. and what a long way we’ve come…
as i was restricted to limited mobility due to my surgery, i spent a good part of new years eve whiling away on line and napping. i reblogged this picture on tumblr:
i knew he was out with his bride and some friends at their local watering hole and with our time difference, the conversation i had with him earlier in the morning would be the last until we returned to work on 1/2. instead, at 10:12pm (pdt) new year’s eve i received this email…
I Wish….
I could give you that kiss from 11:59pm to 12:01
xoxo baby
you know, it’s hard for me to transition back into my real every day life when i don’t know when i am going to see him again. in real life, in person, in the same breathing space. these past few months the transition really was much easier. but now it’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other in real life and the holidays are tough. to get time to interact even virtually, as expected as we are both in marriages with children, family obligations etc. I get it.
just because i get it doesn’t mean it doesn’t twinge. just because we do not talk about changing our situation or ever loving each outside of the mutual admiration society we have, doesn’t mean that i don’t miss him or have an ache around what we are.
just some musings…
I’ve been silent for a while. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say. I miss him desperately, and the holidays don’t help, because he is genuinely a family man. The traditions of the holidays (American holidays for those that follow from outside of the U.S.) are core to who he is and how he and his bride have raised their children.
To those of you that sit in judgment, I completely understand, your doubts and your judgment. Really I do, remember, until the spring of 2012, I was the wife. I am still a wife. But you know what I mean, I was one of those self-righteous, indignant people that could throw rocks and sit in judgment. And yes, at his foundation, while he is a serial cheater, he is a family man. A very involved and good father. One that not only provides for his family, but extended family and friends. And because of that, he goes dark around the holidays…from the week before Thanksgiving until Christmas he is pulled in some many directions, just as I am and while I know it, and I know he’s thinking of me, it doesn’t make it any easier.
After last Thanksgiving/Christmas-I have found that if I stay away from all social media and the places on the Internet we frequent together (Tumblr, Skype, GChat, Gmail etc.) while it doesn’t hurt less, I am less likely to dwell on our lack of contact. This year has proven to be challenging which is problematic given it’s only the day after Thanksgiving.
The Holidays have always been a big deal to me, the connection, the sentiments, the music, the movies…all of it. And this year, this year I am finding it even more of an emotional pull on me than before. Is it because I am another year older? Perhaps. Is it because I am going through these unknown medical challenges with a surgery pending? Maybe. I think it’s because I love him. And while I understand that we are not able to spend any of this time together, in real life, I long to. I long to shop for the perfect gift for him. To wrap myself around his body and feel safe, sexy, content. I yearn to tell him how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. With no expectation.
is me is really me 